Right now I’m sporting a thicker than usual beard. For work purposes, I’m about to chop some of it off. That, and it’s summer in San Diego (which is a beautiful thing). I’ve been thinking, is it possible to directly impact my beard? Is there a way to make my facial hair and beard grow thicker and faster?
After some vigorous study of the entire internet, here are the conclusions I’ve drawn:
Steps to Make Your Beard Grow Thicker and Faster
Step 1: Sleep
That’s right. No need to stress over how awesome your beard is. If you want your facial hair to grow thicker and faster, then shut your eyes and hold your breath until you pass out. Getting into sleep mode is essential to all of life’s processes. Include bodily processes. Without adequate sleep, you can’t expect your beard’s power and influence over mankind to grow stronger.
Step 2: Eat
A nourished man is a nourished beard. Men, we must feed our muscles. And our beards.
If it’s your heart’s desire to make your beard grow thicker and faster, you’ve got to feed that thing.
It sounds like common sense, but feeding your beard with nourishing protein-rich foods is vital to increasing its thickness. Without the right nourishment, you’ll have to stay complacent with a scraggly, weak, wiry face.
Eat eggs, fish, and beans. And while you’re at it, reduce stress in your life.
Step 3: Stress Less
From an expert:
“Stress can indeed cause hair loss, particularly diffuse hair loss and telogen effluvium.”
Leonara Doclis, Senior Trichologist, Belgravia Centre
Yeah, whatever that Greek god just said.
Step 4: Down Your Vitamins
Apparently the verdict is still out if ingesting vitamins in pill form really does grow our super powers. Or normal powers. But I’m not willing to discount decades of research that has said that taking vitamins and minerals that we don’t get from a normal mantastic diet of bacon topped with bacon bits (which, if you didn’t know, combining those two will cause a bacon on bacon vortex that will rip the fabric of the universe and send you back in time) is helpful.
I’ve heard of women wanting healthy hair going as far as rubbing mayonnaise or eggs onto their head. I haven’t done that. But this seemingly legit guy, Dermatologist Dr. Jeffrey Benabio, recommends taking 2.5 mg of biotin a day. Other vitamins and minerals that may help you grow your beard faster and thicker are vitamins B6, C and E as well as beta-carotene, nettle and flax seed oil.*
*I’m no specialist, so you may want to talk to your doctor before swallowing a medicine cabinet full of these capsules. Don’t die on me fearless men.
Step 5: Commitment
It takes man’s resolution to beard his face. It takes deeply held commitment to cover the front of your face with a cape of hair. It’s a layer of protection and power that few people in our modern society have experienced.
If you want the payoff of an awesome, cuddly, warm face-shield, you can’t chop it off at the first itch of discomfort. It can take at least 4 weeks for your beard to fully begin to take shape and grow in. It might itch along the way. Man up and let it flow forth from those follicles.
My face usually doesn’t itch until a couple months in. When it gets long enough that the hairs are circling back around and touching my face, it itches. But those hair ends will certainly dull and grow softer.
Give it time, give it time.
Step 6: Work With What You’ve Got
Don’t expect to become The Wolverine or Ron Swanson overnight. Work with what you’ve got. Not every square millimeter of my beard grows thick and fast. If you have some patches, let it be. If you’ve given it a month to grow in, go ahead and do a mild trim to even things out.
If your beard still looks like an uneven, demented unibrow across your chin, maybe sporting a goatee is the better option.
Or if you work for the Fire Department, you are allowed to grow a mustache.
If you can grow ‘em, show ‘em.
A friend named Jaqueline had this ill-founded motto in high school. I now apply it in a much more prestigious fashion when it comes to beards. If you don’t know how to grow your beard thicker and faster, maybe it’s time to just give a full-throttled commitment to putting your face on blast and giving that beard time to emerge. It’s like giving birth. Feed and nourish that baby until it comes out of you.
Good luck beardies.
Note to Mankind: Santa, Jesus, and Abraham Lincoln all have beards. Just sayin’.
[Beard GIF courtesy of Bob Galmarini] [Featured image courtesty of Loren Kerns]