How to Make Her Feel Special – Everyday | Part I

make her feel specialHow To Make Her Feel Special is one of our all-time favorite, and most read, articles. So I decided to write a sequel that I’m sure you’ll want to read as soon as you’re done with this one: Part 2 – Loving Gestures to Make Her Feel Special.

Men and women will always be different. We like that they’re wired and tick differently. At times though, it can make our heads spin. But we need to make her feel special and appreciated. Men think problems out; most of the time on their own. Women like to talk it out; with you or a friend. We could spend a life time trying to figure out the opposite sex. We could possess all the knowledge from the previous millennium’s and still need to explore further. And while each woman is different and unique there are a few similarities they all share. And within these similarities there is a recurring theme – It won’t make sense to me or you, and we won’t be able to reason or rationalize it in our brains. Then it hit me. I don’t need to rationalize it. All I need to do is understand that women are different and accept it.

Here’s how to understand her and do things for her even when you don’t “get” her.

Listen to her and use every muscle in your brain to not think about how you can fix it for her.

Think back to the last time you were stuck in a jam and just needed a friend to listen. For us men this doesn’t happen very often. But when it does it’s usually after exhausting all other options and we just need a friend that’ll listen.

Women are similar, except that the listening part comes more often. They’re wired differently. That’s why we like them. Women like to communicate. We do too, but they do more. What I mean by this is that topics we find unnecessary or irrelevant could be important to her. This should make it important to you too. We might resolve it in our head, but they’ll talk it out. What we call “venting” might be how she processes and shares with you the events of her day.

When she comes home and shares with you a frustration from her day try to look at it from the perspective of she wants to include you in her day. Not fix her day. If she wants you to fix it, she will let you know. You might think that if you “fix it” now then you’ll be saving her from a potential frustrating day down the road. This may be true. But when she’s sharing her day aka “venting” with you this is not the time to “fix it”. If you absolutely feel you need to bring it up, than do so later. Appreciate her venting and be thankful you’re even a part of her day.

“The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention. ” ~Richard Moss

Learn her love language

There’s only 5 so it shouldn’t be too tough. Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. If you’re unfamiliar with these 5 love languages I suggest you learn about them. These love languages aren’t strictly for women. Us men have them too. For me it’s quality time. I can remember growing up wanting to spend more quality time with my dad. But he wasn’t there. I didn’t quite realize why it was so important to me until I came to learn that this was my primary love language.

In your relationship it’s important to know hers. For you it might be Receiving Gifts so you go and buy her expensive gifts. You even did all your homework and planned gifts for a year. Now if her love language is Words of Affirmation than you’re not hitting the bull’s-eye. You’re coming close but still missing.  I’m not saying she won’t appreciate the gift because she will. But if you really want to make her feel special than learn her love language.

Date night

Spending time together comes first. Finding the time to spend together also comes first. I used to think that men were supposed to put providing for their family above all else. For those of us that are single it can be in preparation for providing; studying, workaholic or fill in the blank. It’s called being responsible or so I thought. I even thought that this was what woman wanted. A few years ago a girl I was dating told me I was selfish. I didn’t get it then. I was being responsible for my own priorities. Not the priorities we shared. What I’ve come to realize is that a relationship is like taking a journey together and having an adventure. If you’re absent or not on the path, than you’re not part of the adventure. Being “busy” is no excuse for not making time for the one who is most important in your life. And if we’re honest with ourselves we know that we can create time when it’s a priority.

Make up a holiday

You don’t have to follow the calendar to plan a special evening for her. Sure those pre-decided dates like anniversaries help. Especially for us men that need to plan things out. Make one up though and put it on your calendar. A holiday just for her. You might find that this also helps with the business.

Buy a gift for no reason

Because women love gifts. It doesn’t matter how grand it is. A little gesture goes a long way. 9 out of 10 guys have a tough time gift shopping. What I try to do is listen throughout the year for gift ideas. Trust me, they do throw hints out there and if you’re listening you’ll catch one. If you do go with this idea remember that it doesn’t replace expected gifts like birthdays, anniversaries, etc…

Do not combine gifts.

If her birthday falls on Dec 26th do not combine her birthday gift with her Christmas gift. Do not even combine her birthday party with the Christmas party. These are two different events for two different people. Make sure she knows she’s the center of your attention.

Push Gift

This is also known as a Push Present and it’s a new concept for me. My coworker told me about it (he actually gets credit for “Date Night” too) and said mothers really appreciate it. A Push Gift is given by the new father to the new mother when she gives birth to their child. Considering she carried and delivered a child a gift is nothing in comparison but the gesture will be appreciated. It can be given before, during or even after the delivery room.

Do the little things

Like taking out the trash, putting down the toilet seat, creating a grocery list if you can’t remember them all, fixing the clogged sink, making breakfast or getting the kids ready so she can sleep in. Any of these loving gestures will not make you less of a man. Sometimes we complain about the woman in our life nagging us. For some of us though they ask and ask again while watching TV; right after saying we don’t have time. Excuses-No matter how rationalized in your brain is still an excuse. Be responsible and fulfill your duty.

Each of these ideas have their time and place. One does not replace the other. Some men only buy flowers when they’ve made a mistake. These ideas are not for that. You will not make her feel special if you do this. You will make her suspicious of you though. When it comes down to it, we do the things that make sense to us. We like to do things our way. But what really needs to happen and be understood here is that they’re different and our brains can’t solve that. What we can do though is move past it and do some of things we know they like. Treat her right and make her feel special.

We won’t always “get” them, so be thankful this isn’t a requirement to make her feel special, loved and appreciated.

p.s. Don’t be afraid to apologize and say you’re sorry when you’re wrong. Don’t be stubborn and think you’re showing your strength by refusing to admit you’re wrong. It’s not a competition. But if it was you’d still lose. And always remember to say “Thank You” and show gratitude. Even for the little things she does every day. (I added these 2 based off of a comment left by one of our female readers…..Thank you Kaylan)

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  1. I didn’t know about the five love languages. Thanks!

    This reminds me of an older friend at work who told me he thought if he worked harder and brought it more money his family would love him more. They grew apart from him while he was at work all the time. Now he’s estranged from his kids and has an ex-spouse.

    • You’re welcome! Someone shared it with me a couple months ago and it’s really helped me so I thought I’d just pass it along. We’ll always be a work in progress but at least we’re trying.

  2. Men, especially pay attention to the last item (“Do the little things”). I promise that if you do, your spouse/girlfriend will nag less and appreciate you a LOT more. As always, good article.

    • Thanks Greg! How long has it been since your wedding? I still remember that day back in Germany. And now you got a daughter too. Time flies!

  3. You sound like a wise man John. As someone who has been single for a few months, I’m definitely taking this advice into my next relationship. I thought I treated my ex pretty good, but I realize I was pretty far off base after reading this. I never took the time to figure out her love language. I just assumed covering some of those things was good enough. I dealt with lots of letting her vent, but I guess I was making the mistake of trying to provide solutions.

    • Thanks but it’s really just advice I was fortunate to have friends and sisters share with me. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Like you I’m a work in progress and I think as long as we continue to move forward, learn and listen then we’re headed in the right direction. I still do the “fix it” thing from time to time and my sister will immediately remind me. Today she asked me if I was listening with my eyes. haha! She’s helping me learn and will sometimes even remind me of what I’ve blogged.

  4. These ideas are so good, but now I suddenly feel mad at my husband. Is that normal?

    • Thanks Michelle! I think that can be a normal response. Some of this advice I received was when they were mad. haha! This wasn’t the easiest way for me to listen and be receptive though. One big reason I wrote this is that I hope through sharing my experiences and lessons learned other men can get a head start and be proactive. Since you’ve come across my article before him maybe you can share it with him and let him know you’d appreciate receiving some of the ideas on here. But I wouldn’t blame him for not knowing.

    • I have a similar response sometimes with my hubby when I see other guys making a lot more of an effort in their relationships. But then the opposite is true too, I’ll see or hear about a guy who’s a rotter and think about how lucky I am. 😉

      My hubby still profoundly sucks at most of the points in the article, but he’s a good man, a gentle soul and a faithful provider, and what’s more, he has actually made changes over the years to accommodate me in some of the more important points, so there’s hope yet. 😉

  5. Jonathan says

    Good stuff my friend! Truth is, its a lot of work. I knew about the love languages and they are truly helpful, but there not enough. we as men need to know whats going on in our other half(woman). Iv been reading something that might help us out a little, Hahahahaha. Its called for men only, by Shaunti and Jeff Feldahn. Check it out!

    • Good point! I’ll check it out. Maybe borrow your copy?

      • Is this Jonathan – the one who likes chicken and butter? 😀 Ive actually read both For Women Only and For Men Only. Very interesting read. John, check out when you get a chance. It’s a website by Focus on the Family and is geared towards Christian young adults with an emphasis on the topic of relationships. Really good stuff! Perhaps you will find it helpful with writing for your blog. 🙂

        • Thanks Angela! I’ll check it out. Yep, that’s the same Jonathan. I’m going through the book he lent me and so far it’s very interesting and insightful.

  6. I just read this post and I’m so impressed. You definitely know how to treat a lady (even if it did take some tough learning).

    Also, you forgot to mention that saying “Thank you” and “Sorry” is okay. Its amazing how those two phrases can turn an angry woman into a puddle of mush. Showing gratitude, even if its for something we do every day, shows us that you don’t take us for granted and appreciate us. Saying sorry, well that’s just good sense.

    • Very good points Kaylan! Thank you! I’m not a history buff but I think for most of the 1900’s (maybe before too) a man was considered weak if he said sorry when he was wrong. A man does not apologize and does not cry I think was the motto. When actually the opposite is true. It takes courage to say sorry when wrong and then strength to follow through with what is right.

      “Thank you” also should always be a part of a man’s vocabulary. It’s polite, shows gratitude and helps make the recipient feel appreciated.

  7. THis post made me laugh because as I went down the list, it was just FAIL, FAIL, FAIL, FAIL… my poor wife, how does she put up with me? Haha. Maybe tonight when I head home from work I’ll pick her up a little something.

    • Ha! I’ve felt the same at times. I think the important part is that you came out not failing but succeeding by doing something special and unexpected for her.

  8. Wow.. I’m truly amazed this article is on point
    This is how I’ve been feeling for years and my husband
    of 6 years still don’t get it, I’m starting to think he
    Never will or maybe I’m not worth the effort.

    • Thanks Tiana. My desire and purpose for writing this article was that hopefully men would read it and feel challenged to make changes in their lives and appreciate those in them. Maybe you could let him read it. Please also remember that this list is a compilation from different voices and there is no perfect guy that gets it all right. Sometimes even a little encouragement to change can motivate anyone.

    • robin clark says

      Hey sonai how you doing,hope you are good can I get to know more about you

  9. It doesn’t matter if you do ALL this stuff. You simply CAN’T make a woman happy. They will ALL cheat on you and leave you. The only thing that is money in the bank is money in the bank.

    The best thing to do is learn to love yourself and play women throughout life.

    • Ted, I can’t stress how strongly I disagree with your statement that money and playing women is the way to live life. A player is selfish. It is true that we by ourselves can’t and shouldn’t try to be their life or happiness. Only God can fill the emptiness in one’s heart and give life meaning and purpose. It’s also unfortunate that hollywood and common misconception is that we need a partner to complete or fulfill us. Perhaps the women you’ve met were looking to you for validation and this is a need no man can completely fill. It sounds like some of the women you met weren’t mature and were still resolving past hurts. But using women is not the right response. As men we need to rise above and have character. May I suggest instead of using women because they hurt you, instead DL our eBook and take one of the challenges to restore relationships.

  10. Hi Ted,
    I’m not agree with you enough. All women have not same think. Some of them are understand to each other. They don’t care about money.

    • Deva, you’re absolutely right. Every women is different in what they’re looking for. It’s a big world with different cultures, morals, values, experiences and beliefs. What they do share is that desire to be loved and appreciated. This is how God designed it to be.

  11. Wow!! You read me like a book. My wife and i are going through a bit of a patch right now. I never heard of the 5 love languages until recently. She mention the one thing she wanted most is to feel appreciated. I am not the reader type or the counselor so there was no way to learn this. I soon realized relationships take a lot of work and i need to get some tools for my box.
    I read the article and realize i am the “fix it” guy. I do the things that make her happy at the time and try everything i can to make it go away so she can move on. She just wants someone to vent to and i want to solve the problem. So i give her ideas and suggestion to help. I thought just being there for her was enough, but it takes a lot more.
    I like how you posted that it is not something you work on over night and your sister STILL gets on you. This will be the same for me because i tend to retreat back until i realize what im doing is wrong. Eventually it will just come natural and use it in all of my life not just relationships. I am really glad i am not the only one out there going through the same situation and there is good advice out there. Just wish i read it sooner.
    Thanks for the posting and i am going to work on myself. This is definitely an article to pass onto my friends. It seems a lot of us men are a like and we need to understand we are not alone.

    • Justin, sorry to hear you guys are going through a rough patch. Hang in there! Sounds like she loves you and is working through it with you. I’m always appreciative when my gf talks to you and doesn’t just give me the silent treatment. I can’t read her mind and I know if I were to say that it would only make it worse. ha! Many of us are in the same “fix it” boat and not knowing our significant others love language. But it’s never too late. Glad some of my mistakes are able to help you.

  12. Hey guys! I want to suffer an asshole by words not usuall words something that ruins him in words. Any advices? ??

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