“Excuse me, I know this is kind of random, but I just saw you, and I
just wanted to say that I think you’re really beautiful…”
Sound familiar?
90% of guys who are learning how to approach a woman, especially in
the pickup community, think that if they are completely honest about
their physical attraction to her, then she will suddenly fall for
him.
They call it the “direct approach.”
Yes, the girl will feel momentarily elated by the compliment, yet with
the most attractive girls, the direct approach is ineffective. But if
you want to know how to approach a girl you don’t know, then pay
attention.
Am I saying that every time you show intent, she won’t be open to
talking to you?
No.
If a girl is from a place where she isn’t often validated, like a
small town or a Scandanavian country, or she’s single right before
Valentine’s Day, she will be more open to a direct approach. So
there are a few cases where direct approaches can work: 1) if the girl
isn’t validated very often, 2) if she’s available and open to
dating new guys, or 3) the guy is high value or her type.
However, if you want to give yourself a better chance with most girls,
especially the most attractive ones, you shouldn’t rely on the
direct approach.
Why?
Intent and investment.. Let me explain.
Have you ever been complimented by a kiosk salesman? Maybe he will
say, “hey, I like your shoes bro! Where’d you get them?”
You’ll say thanks, but you’ll keep walking because you know he’s
just trying to sell you a cell phone case from his kiosk.
Likewise, when you tell a girl that you like her without having even
met her yet, this will set off red flags. Typically, if an attractive
girl gets hit on multiple times per day, she will assume that you’re
the average of the last 100 guys that have approached her. Unless you
immediately bring something novel or new to the table, like you show
your intent in a funny or creative way, then she won’t give you the
time of day. She’ll just send you off with a polite “I have a
boyfriend.”
Most guys spend hours trying to come up with a counter response to
“I have a boyfriend.” What these guys don’t realize is that once
they’ve heard those words, he’s already set off a red flag.
She’s already categorized him as “one of those guys,” meaning
another guy who is trying to get in her pants. Especially if she is
attractive, then she simply doesn’t want to waste time talking to
another guy hitting on her.
So am I saying to never show intent to a girl? Not at all. Let me talk
about investment.
Most guys show too much intent too quickly. Basically, they are
playing their hand with their cards face up.
By saying “Hey, I just saw you, and I think you’re absolutely
gorgeous!” is giving her a lot of validation without her having to
earn it.
Every girl has a validation sensitivity. For some girls who aren’t
complimented very often, either they are less attractive or in a
geographically conservative or isolated region, then they will be more
receptive to a validating comment. If, instead, you compliment a
brunette bombshell in Hollywood, you’ll usually get a quick “thank
you” as she rushes past you.
Imagine if you were the world’s wealthiest man, and a few times per
day, strangers would come up and compliment you, act really nice
towards you, and then ask if they could have a bit of money. You might
feel charitable for the first few weeks, but then after a month,
you’d be more prudent with your handouts. Just as prudent as women
are when you ask for their number.
So how should you approach?
Well, if you were the wealthy man, you’d just want to meet someone
who was fun to hang out with without him or her necessarily wanting
money from you. Imagine someone who joked around with you, teased you
like a good mate, and was adventurous. You’d definitely want to see
that person again because most people just try to be nice to you to
ask you for money. Consequently, you’d ask for that person’s
contact info and set up a time to hang out.
This is what girls are looking for too. They want a guy who knows how
to make them laugh, teases them, and brings out their playful side.
Let’s say you see a girl wearing a blue skirt with a white top and a
red bow in her hair in the bookstore, and instead of saying, “Hey, I
just saw you, and I just wanted to say that I think you’re really
beautiful,” you say, “What’s up Sailor Moon, trying to get some
reading in today?” If you know what to say to a girl and you’re able to tease her and make her laugh,
you’ll automatically separate yourself from just “one of those
guys.”
And when you actually do compliment her after you’ve established
coolness and savvy, she’ll feel touched rather than creeped out.
So the next time you see a beautiful girl, be empathetic and realize
that she doesn’t just need someone to compliment her, she wants a
man who can give her an experience that goes beyond just an
observation about her looks and a stale “getting to know you”
conversation.