How to Break-Up With Your Girlfriend-The Right Way

Ever been dumped? Did it hurt? Or did the young lady break-up with you in a way that still made you feel honored and respected?

I think it’s right to expect that a woman know to break-up with a man the right way. Moreso, I think as men we would do well to do the same. That doesn’t mean someone won’t be angry, upset, or heartbroken. A person may still lash out and become embittered. It doesn’t matter. Don’t let circumstances dictate your character.

Letting things drag on with a girl is the #1 recipe to future hurt. Don’t run away from it. If you are avoiding a break-up now to avoid pain and discomfort, it will only make the situation worse.

At the root of all this is the wimpy nature of a lot of guys. People are people pleasers. They want to be liked. They hate facing tough, uncomfortable conversations. Don’t be one of those boys. Don’t be the young lad that needs to be liked so bad you avoid tough conversations that need to take place.

If you’ve determined it’s time to break-up with your lady, do it right. You cared about her enough to date her, at least put some thought into doing it the right way.

We asked some of our female readers what they thought. Here’s a sypnopsis of what they had to say:

1. Don’t lie

Be real, upfront, and honest.

Don’t throw her in a web of lies. If you just plain lost interest, tell her. It’s better for her than doing endless searching to figure it out. I’m not suggesting giving such specifics that she loaths herself for one mistake. Tell her the truth.

Unless it’s because you aren’t attracted to her anymore. Don’t tell her that. Horrible, horrible, mean idea.

As hard as it is to tell her you don’t want to be with her, never tell lies. We all know the truth comes out eventually and when it does, that will hurt her deeper than you can imagine. True, she may hate you for a while when you break-up, but she’ll get over it and respect you for being truthful and upfront. Please don’t be a contributing factor to her not trusting other men in the future.  -Karen

2. Be gentle

When conversation is tense, toxic, emotional and extremely awkward, guys often respond in one of two ways: A) shutting down, B) getting angry. So if you’ve got to break it to her, say it gently. Even if you’re angry about a string of things she did. Your feelings may be 100% valid. Doesn’t matter. Be a better man and end it well. Don’t say stuff you’re going to regret later. Don’t say anything that you don’t want to be remembered for later.

3. Don’t say “It’s me, not you.”

She’ll actually hear that it’s her, not you.

I do think there is an appropriate time to tell this to a woman:  when you’re a clinically certified asshole that doesn’t deserve her. If you don’t have your life in order and that’s affecting her as a person, it’s the right thing to break-up with her.

4. Don’t blame God

Never pin it on divine authority when breaking up with someone. I don’t blame God for other decisions I make. If I made a choice to date someone, I own it. If I think that was a mistake, it’s not God’s fault. Saying “It wasn’t meant to be” might make someone feel they are the victim of some cosmic puppet master.

Own your decisions. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

5. Don’t leave the door open

If you break it off, break it all the way off. There shouldn’t be a “thing” going on still between you two.  -Stevie

If you’re asked, “Does this mean we’ll never have a chance again?” don’t leave the door open. Tell her it’s over. It’s a break-up. And if you end up realizing you blew it, it should be you trying to win her back. Not her sitting around wondering for 6 months if it’s really ended.

Don’t be like this girl.

6. Don’t use a “break” as a set-up for the real break-up

What the hell does “taking a break” mean anyways? Oh God. I’ve initiated that and others have as well toward me. It is the most ambiguous, weird thing possible. If you want to work it out, don’t take a break. You’re pissed off-so you two don’t want to talk for a month? Alright. Your call. But silence rarely brings answers. The number one reason relationships fail is communication. So to lock yourself into no communication usually ends in you finding an answer: breaking up.

I’m not saying time off hasn’t helped people. I’m no expert. But if you are trying to work through things and it never works, try counseling. Don’t take a break, then huddle in your separate corners, and let time pass while her friends are tearing you apart in her ears.

7. Don’t wait for her to do it

The longer you drag it out the longer you are carrying her heart.  -Adriana

Ever seen someone passively-yet intently-let things get bad enough so that the other person would break it off? I’ve been on the receiving end of that, and it sucks. Don’t be that person.

8. Don’t break-up over text, email or Facebook

If you’ve only been out on two or three dates, sure, tell her over a phonecall it’s not there for you. Other than that, do it in person.

Here is where it can get sticky…if it’s a long distance relationship. Should you buy a ticket and tell them in person? If you’re engaged or have been dating for years, I say yes. But that’s my unscientific opinion.

9. Pick the right place

Don’t do it over dinner in a restaurant. Or at a coffee shop. Make it a place where she can feel free to cry, act angry, and be honest. You might be breaking up with her because you’re mad about something. You need a place where you can be open and honest as well.

Dont ask me to dinner to dump me. I don’t want to cry in front of strangers while staring at seared ahi. Making a date out of a break-up is cruel and unusual punishment.

-Michelle

10. Don’t fear the tears

If the waterworks start, don’t flip-flop on your decision to break-up. If it was the right thing to break-up before she was crying, it’s still the right thing. Let her cry. It’s alright. Maybe you will too. If the relationship has major problems and you don’t want to be in it anymore, break it off. Otherwise you’re just stringing yourself along.

Don’t tell us what you think we want to hear, cuz it’s all gonna hurt anyway, no matter what gets said. Be clear. There’s nothing worse then not knowing where you stand with a guy, always wondering if there’s a chance in the future. A clean break heals faster.

-Charlie

If you’re uncertain if you should break-up…

Don’t dump someone just to avoid sticky situations. Don’t break-up with someone just because you hate communication and solving relational problems. You’re not the first man that’s uncertain whether tough times in a relationship means you should break-up, or if you just need to work it out. If you’re uncertain, and she’s obviously sensing it, tell her. Be honest and open. Work it out.

If you can’t work it out, then it’s time to break-up. If she’s so mad at you for not knowing exactly what you want when you’ve only been dating for 3 months, then that’s her thing. If you want to keep trying, do it. If she rage quits, then it’s on her.

The number one recurring theme that we heard from our lady readers was to not lie. Literally, they all wrote about us being honest and not lying. Take note: ladies want the truth. If you’re in a relationship that once was great, but it’s turned sour, it’s understandable if you’re uncertain. But there is nothing healthier than honesty. And that means being honest with yourself. If you know it’s time for it to be over, do it. Break-up. Spare yourself, and her, further pain.

Break-ups are never perfect. It’s impossible to do it 100% “the right way.” Relationships can be messy. The right way is to not run from a mess, but to take responsibility and walk through it.

Broken heart from being the one getting dumped? You should read my article 8 Reasons Why You Keep Getting Dumped by clicking here.

About Todd Mayfield

He's a lover, not a fighter. But he's also a fighter, so don't get any ideas.

He works for a series of private schools to advance innovative education to combat ballooning classroom sizes and challenge the status quo of the current public and private education format.

Comments

  1. I’ve been guilty of #5 more than a few times. It always seems like the best and nicest way to do it at the time, but it ends being worse for both people. It’s not unlike ripping off a band-aid – get it over with quickly.

    • Todd Mayfield says:

      I agree. You’re not looking to be a heart-breaker. You care about them enough for it to end amicably. And I think that means we don’t want them to leave feeling like we reject them forever as a person. But you’re right, it’s best to keep the door closed.

      I think where we struggle as men is that thought in the back of our minds “What if things change later…” But it’s just not fair to keep the door open just in case our mind is changed a year from now. I wouldn’t want to be treated that way.

      • Hi Todd,

        I really need your help man..!!

        Recently, my ex girlfriend called me and was really upset… She wants to meet me just because to show her current boyfriend (whom she really loves right now) that she is happy with me!!

        She told me the plan and how its gonna be work… Please lemme know whether should I help her?

        She is just using me and nothing else!!

  2. I don’t plan on breaking with anyone just yet but I totally dig your blog’s design!

  3. what if she faints or starts vomiting?? when I don’t care her or try not to have sex she vomits or faints. she is a physico. I don’t want her get faint in my house. she did it several times before. it is like she is threating me. if you break up I will get faint.

    • Todd Mayfield says:

      Sorry man, that’s a tough situation that never occurred to me. I don’t know. Call 9-1-1? Get an ambulance and the cops?

      Nah, if she’s threatening you with “I’ll faint if you dump me,” that relationship is well past unhealthy. It’s time to let her loose. You should still honor her with doing it in person. If she vomits, faints, or cries, let her do her deal. When she comes to, just remind her it’s done. Sounds like it’ll be pretty hard bro. That’s why you’re going to need to make your decision and stick with it when you see her.

  4. I havent been patient with my gf. I get impatient when she replies slow. It gets her very mad and whenever I try to stop… it’s like something is controlling me to start drama again. I don’t know how to stop. I need help :(

    • Todd Mayfield says:

      Jake,
      So glad you’re sharing. I’m not sure how you stumbled across this article-is breaking up something you’re chewing on?

      Patience is a quality we’ve all got to pursue and refine. You state you feel like something is compelling you to “start drama”. What does that look like? Do you know what specific actions you want to stop?

      Best,
      Todd

  5. I’ve been dating my gf for 2 months today.

    My problem is, during the holidays we barely saw each other for 2 weeks altogether, then when we got back to college, no communication with eachother till friday. she barely answers most of my phone calls, she has gone to 1 favor, which was to go to restaurant with me, she may not go to party im asking her to go….

    I respect her, if she is not ready then i wont force her, id rather her go to me when she is ready.

    i jusd dont know what to anymore, i love her, but if i dump her, she may think i dont and i was only playing her, all im asking, is, what do i do, im afraid of dumping her, cuz i dont want to, but i also dont want to burden her with myself, i got enough problems regarding my studies…what do i do…please…?

    • Todd Mayfield says:

      G-123,

      Thanks for sharing my man. Openness is good and is a big first step.

      So you’ve been dating for 2 months, 1 month of which you’ve been apart? Don’t fret man, things are new and you don’t know each others patterns yet. But if you’re calling a lot and she’s not answering, pull back on that. Overwhelming a new lady will only drive her a way. Pulling back will either make her want more, or give her the door to exit.

      Don’t dump her, communicate about it. If you go out again, when the time is right in a convo, let her know she’s seemed a little distant and you just want to know if you’ve done something wrong. Give her the opportunity to communicate and feel comfortable while doing it.

      You two have only been going out two months, and with school you have a lot of stressers. This may be something you have to be okay with letting go of. I know it’s hard pill to swallow, but if it wasn’t going to work out better sooner rather than later.

      My Best,
      Todd

  6. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a little over 2 1/2 years now and I don’t really feel the same for her like I used to and iv been talking to this girl that I’ve grown feelings for.. but I’ve also noticed that I have feelings for both of them and I dont know what to do..

    • Todd Mayfield says:

      Red14,

      I’m glad you’re being honest. Acknowledging the problem is a huge first step.

      So you’ve been serious about a girl for 2.5 years, but have lost the feelings for her? I’m sure you still love/care about her in some way.

      Here’s what you should process first–if the situation were reversed, what would you want her to do? If she stopped feeling the same way, and started feeling for another man? You’ve cared for her for a long time, and you still need to treat her in a caring way, even if you don’t want to be together anymore.

      Don’t start pursuing another woman while you’re with someone else. Cut that thing off. Approach the girlfriend you have right now and talk about what the problems are. If it’s something you don’t want to work out, then you’ve got to break it off.

      Just remember, every relationship will have highs and lows. A new lady may have came along and got you excited for something different–but things would certainly grow old with her too.

      Where are you at right now–do you want to end it with lady love #1?

      Best,
      Todd

  7. Sam Hauley says:

    I have been going out with this girl for 2 weeks now and i love her loads, the only thing is whenever we are alone we hardly speak, we just hug. Furthermore, she is very flirty with other guys, she has had about 6 previous boyfriends in the last 8 months before i went out with her, the fact that she flirts alot really plays over my mind and makes me wonder whether she’s actually interested in me. I think it’s time to end it with her, but I can’t face not being with her as i hate being single. Should I dump her or not?

    • Sam,
      Thanks for writing. Hmm two weeks? That’s not long, but it sounds like you really enjoy her company when other people are around. I’ve dated girls that a blast to hang out with, and they are also flirty with guys other than me. Then when you’re alone they don’t seem to have a whole lot of conversational substance.

      This all boils down to something complex within her that you’re not going to dive into after just two weeks kicking it. Here’s my suggestion instead of jumping straight to dumping her: talk to her about it. Tell her you like her, and love hanging out. Think beforehand of some good conversation pieces–stuff you want to know about her. What she was like growing up, what she wants to do down the road, what’s something awesome you’d both love to go do that’ll take some planning.

      If you try to have a medium level conversation like that, and she doesn’t really know how to converse, she’s probably not the datable type. A girl like that just likes to be on a guys arm, without having to give of themselves relationally.

      But if you guys start clicking/communicating, well, that’s the core of relationships man and that’s a good first step!

      Let me know how it goes!
      Todd

  8. i want to break up with my girlfriend. we have been together for over 1 yr but right now i am in a very bad siuation and the relationship is putting a heavier burden on my shoulders,i want end the relationship but she dosen`t she want to talk it out but i jus twant to get the relationship out of the way but up to this day i dont know how to break it to her…..

    • Yornic,

      It sounds like you definitely should end the relationship. If you don’t want to be with someone, and you’re not happy, then end it. Maybe it’s her, maybe it’s YOU. But it sounds like neither of you are happy.

      If you don’t know how to break up with your girlfriend, you should start by picking a time and a place. Tell her you need to talk about something important. If she asks why, tell her you’re having a hard time, but ask to wait till you talk to give her more info. Sit down with her, and stick to your guns. Tell her you do not want to continue moving forward. You owe her some reason as to why. And you’re just going to have to let her respond, tears of anger and all.

      Best,
      Todd

  9. Me and my girlfriend have been together for roughly two and a half years. The thing is, I don’t know if I feel the same way about her. Yes, we love each other and we express our love for each other regularly, however, I am a junior in high school while she is a freshman. The issue here is not age, but I have been devoting a great deal of my time to my studies so that I can get into the college I want. In that time, I have not paid as much attention to her as I used to. Furthermore, we only see each other twice a week, as we know each other from church. So in that time that I’ve spent without her, I believe I’ve lost the passion that I once had for her.
    But I don’t believe she’s as mature as I’d like. Spiritually, she’s at a great place and since my parents are pastors, they greatly approve of her. However, I don’t believe she’s mature enough emotionally. Her heart is so aimed at me, I know if I break up with her, she will be devastated and her family will look down on me. But I don’t know if that’s a good enough reason to stat with her. She’s so emotionally involved in everything, the slightest things will either excite her or sadden her, and I am the total opposite. I don’t know if I should have to put up with her while I’m so fixated on school.
    Furthermore, I am contemplating breaking up with her before I go to college, because I know that all the time I spend away from her is going to hurt her (I am not going away, I will remain where I live now). In addition, I have made it clear to her that a breakup is likely and is possibly the best thing, however she’s willing to remain in a relationship and she knows she’s going to be hurt if she stays. But I do not want to put her through even more pain by remaining in the relationship.
    So I guess my question is should I break up with her now, break up with her before I start college (which a year and a half from now), or should I continue the relationship throughout college? Please answer as soon as you can. Thank you very much.

    • Hi Victor,

      Thanks for being so open. You’re in a tough spot. You love this young lady and don’t want to hurt her. But you also don’t want to hurt her by dragging her along. It’s a tough spot many men, and women, have found themselves in before.

      Let’s put one thing to rest-if she’s a teenager, she’s going to be emotionally immature. She just hasn’t had the time to grow yet. As for what she’ll turn out to be in 5 years spiritually, to a degree it’s hard to tell. Is she serious about her faith now, apart from you?

      As for your passion for her going up and down, that’s to be expected. Just ask your parents. In any relationship, the passion level goes up and down. But that’s not to say I’m suggesting you stick around.

      I don’t think you’ll find the answer to your question in comparing how you feel about her today compared to 6 months ago. It’ll either be find within yourself, or it will be found in trying to spend more time with her again.

      What you have to conclude is do you want to continue fighting for and investing in this girl. If your answer is no, it’s not a commentary on whether or not she’s “worth it”. I have no doubt she’s worth fighting for and loving. The question is do you want that for her, and for you.

      And don’t feel pressured to figure out if you are going to marry her. It’s too soon for either of you to be able to figure that out. Just find out within yourself, do you want her in your life now? And in your life 2 years from now? And maybe further down the road? Do you have the will and the energy to continue to win her and work things out?

      If yes, keep it going man. If no, then it might be time to let the ship.

      I will say this, it will be really really hard for both of you. So don’t get discouraged by this process. It’ll be emotional and challenging, but it’s necessary man.

      Feel free to email me directly Victor.

      My best,
      Todd

  10. Awright Todd,

    Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 8 months now, we never argue or fight. she’s definately one of a kind. I do love her alot and care for her alot. My only concern is that she is considerably older. (9 years to be percise) i feel ive alot more things i wanna do before i settle down for good. Am really in a pickle!! I think itl be easier to cut all ties for both parties. any advice is welcomed. It kills me inside.. as i know the cares for .me alot, and wont be expecting nothing.

    • Jordi,

      I don’t know how old you are, but if you were born in 92, then 9 years is a pretty big age gap. I think dating 8 months is a good length of time for two people to know if they want to head toward marriage. Not that you have to get engaged at this point, but you’ve been together long enough that you should have had deep conversations leading to the knowledge whether you want to REALLY move forward with her.

      So the question really is, do you? Not do you have other things you want to do. Why can’t you still do those while you’re married? Marriage and women aren’t curses, and they aren’t balls and chains.

      If she’s one-of-a-kind, and you’ve got to spend the rest of your life with her, don’t let her go. But if you’re feeling tied down by her, let her go, for her sake. It sounds like you’ve got some growing up to do, and she’s not getting younger. It wouldn’t be wise for her to wait around.

      This isn’t me trying to be harsh in tone. I’m not married, because I don’t want to marry someone I don’t want to spend 50 years with. If you feel the same way, then the answer is simple, even if it’s still really hard.

      Email me and let me know how things go Jordi.

      My best,
      Todd

  11. Hi Todd,

    I’ve been going through what you say (and what others think on the subject aswell) and here comes the rub:

    I’ve been with my current GF for about a year – i played the field for quite a while before that – and i find myself at a crossroad point at the moment.

    She’s very nice, smart, beautiful, kind yadda yadda, but i’ve been having second thoughts on my feelings recently because let’s face it – she’s so dull it’s not funny anymore.

    If i had to impersonate her into an object, I’d Imagine her as a dead (smiling) weight that’s always happy with what is happening or atleast pretends to be but without real personality.

    Now, the only reason I stick with her is because I believe she is exactly what I need but she sure as hell is not what i want.

    I can’t obviously be “honest” and tell her that without hurting her feelings further than necessary (and I’m looking for a better “sorry – I’m gay after all” kind-of-excuse-), so I’m kind of wondering as to what cards i should be playing here.

    • Hi Tom,

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts for others to learn from. Hopefully I have something helpful to say!

      You’ve been dating a year–that’s a good amount of time to get to know someone if you’re having deep conversations.

      She’s smart, attractive, kind. But she’s dull…Was she always this way? If not, when was the switch? I’m curious if she became so comfortable with you, she’s overly “chill” and doesn’t try to be fun, funny and playful. Any, all, and every married couple has to face that at some point unless they’re both absolute comedians.

      Let me ask you this, are you trying to keep the relationships heartbeat going by being alive, funny, fun and playful? Do you still try to flirt with her and show her a great time?

      Wow, that’s a powerful statement, “I believe she is exactly what I need but…not what I want.” Lots of people have felt that way before, but I’m unsure if I’ve ever heard it stated so succinctly.

      Let me ask you this–are you sure you want to break up with her?

      If you don’t want to end things, then talk with her and work them out.

      If you do, you need to be honest. Don’t tell her she’s dull. But tell her it’s not there anymore–and why. She needs to realize that about herself. She needs to see she stopped trying. It’ll be a tough conversation my man. I have not doubt she prick you with some words–but listen to them.

      I promise if you do, you’ll learn a lot about yourself.

      -Todd

  12. Hey been with this girl just short of 2 months and I thought I loved her early on but now I’m feeling like she’s more of a friend…. My longest relationship is only ever been a month long and I don’t think I’ve ever been in love.. So I don’t know wether its supposed to feel this way after a while but honestly she’s lovely one of the nicest girls I’ve ever met. So I don’t want to hurt her feelings which as stated is going to happen either way I just don’t know what to do…. Carry on the relationship be wrong and hurt her feelings even more or end it now… Worst thing is she’s done nothing wrong… It really is just me! She is attractive I just don’t feel the same anymore… I feel like she’s more of a friend so I’m stuck on what to do.

    • G–

      Good to hear from you my man. There’s nothing wrong with feeling uncertain. And it’s better to cut it off only two months in before you’ve REALLY jumped into something deep.

      I’m sure you love her in a caring way. But it sounds like you never did very much in the romantic way. It was new, exciting, and you enjoyed exploring the thought of something more with her. But it turns out you’re great friends and it sounds like that’s all you want.

      Listen to this–you’re love should eventually become your best friend. That can be a good sign. But if you already recognize that is all you want, then cut it off and be thankful you realized it 2 months in rather than 2 years in.

      I don’t think you have to make this harder than it is. Get with her and person and express how you feel. Don’t tell her, “Hey, let’s stay friends!”

      Tell her you care, and you were really excited at first because you had a great connection. But you have since realized that connection, those feelings, are just feelings of someone you think highly of, not someone you want to have something long-term with.

      That can be tough to hear, but it’s kind, honest, and considerate.

      Let me know what you do.
      -Todd

  13. I’m 15 years old, been dating my girlfriend for 2 1/2 years almost and i don’t want to be with her anymore because she is really controlling and i am noticing that i don’t feel like i am as ready i guess to say as i used to be to be with her every day, she doesn’t like the friends i had since first grade because of who they hang out with, she gets mad at me for talking to pretty much anyone. If someone i talk to is friends of someone who is friends of someone she doesn’t like she doesn’t want me to talk to them. Me and her fight a lot, but we do have “good” times, and i don’t want to be leading her on anymore, and she has said she’d kill herself without me. And i have clothes and stuff over there and she has gotten me stuff thats expensive so i don’t know what i should do to get my clothes and then her mom is like a barrier to. I really just need a start up line or something like that and how to deal with her mom after that. By the way the relationship was good up till this new years then i cant handle her controllness she has on me, want to be able to hang out with who ever i choose. I’m in a panic and i want to be able to get this done in like a couple weeks at least before i just freak out on her and ruin the rest of her life or even cheat.

    • Also forgot to mention that we’ve talked about getting married and stuff like that.

    • SlimJim,

      Great name by the way. I hope you’re parents really did name you that. I’m putting that in my book of possible baby names right now.

      It’s good to realize you’re not ready, and it’s good to recognize immaturity that is within another person. BUT, we also need to recognize that immaturity within ourselves. Even when you’re 25 man, you’re gonna be improving yourself and the women you’re with is going to be improving herself.

      That said, if you don’t want to be with someone, and the relationship is more of a drag than a “blessing”, is most def time to cut if off. Don’t drag it out either–face the music and get it done.

      That doesn’t mean being rude or harsh, as of course you saw in the article above. I would encourage you to re-read what I wrote, and sit down and have a convo with her a public place.

      Even though you’ve talked of marriage, you’re young man, She can’t hold you to that. Having those conversations are a part of a serious relationship, but don’t start having those convos until you’re about done with school.

      Good luck and let me know how it goes.

      Best,
      Todd

  14. well me and my gf got together 6 months agoo and i dont feel anything for her. i mean we live far apart from each other and plus we only see us on sat./sun evening. i have a part time job and still in high school so when i get home i dont want to go cuz i jut dont want to be with her anymore. im 17 and she is about 15. i really dont want to make her sad and dont know what to tell her?

    • Daniel-

      How you feel a lot of guys can relate to. You like someone, but you don’t want hurt, burn them, or make them feel sad.

      It’s noble to feel that way. At the same time, it’s not noble to let something live on when you know it’s not going to go anywhere. If you’re not enjoying it, and you’re not making each other better, maybe it’s time to cut it off.

      It sounds like in a small way your relationship is almost like a long distance relationship–which I’ve done more than once and it’s pretty tough. It’s not impossible, but difficult.

      If you’re in a stage in life you don’t have the energy for a relationship, sit down with her a let her know that. You can be honest the lack of time you’re spending together, and your busy schedule isn’t allowing for the type of relationship you want.

      You can expect she’ll either agree, or want to find a way to work it out with you. You need to figure out what you’re response is going to be and stick with it even when it gets emotional or heated.

      Let me know how it goes.

      Todd

  15. All good and well,love the blog but how would you finish with someone who has already threatening that she will ruin my life if I leave. She is threatening to cause alot of trouble for me and the people in my life. Her friends are quite rough and honestly I belive her?

    • Rachel,

      Wow that’s really really tough. Is she threatening you physically or just wants to make life difficult for you?

      If you anticipate she’s going to flame you and talk trash, you’re just going to have to weather that storm after breaking it off.

      If you anticipate something worse is going to happen, you certainly should take measures to protect yourself. That might take the form of anything from staying with someone else for a while, to pursuing a restraining order so she knows you’re serious.

      The most certain thing is you need to end it. But if you fear harm, then I would ask you to consider just backing away quietly. Next time they say something harmful, let them know you aren’t putting up with it anymore, and from then on stop responding altogether. You don’t owe someone a “break-up” talk in this situation. It’s done. Don’t continue to respond, and don’t allow yourself to be controlled.

      Feel free to email me if you want to connect more about it.

      Todd

  16. So todd, i need your advice, ive read your article and i want you to help me in my situation

    ive been with my girl for around 18 months and ive been wanting to cut it off for about 4.
    i love her to pieces but she left for uni (college) and is a fair distance from me now

    Although i love her, i want to be meeting new people who are more mature than her and are actually close to me, ive been very close to ending it but i keep bottling it.

    I think i genuinly have too much empathy and i dont want to hurt her to a point where i cant finish it due to that

    im also scared that i may regret doing it and want her back, she’s already said theres no chance of that happening or if we were to break for a few years till she gets out of uni!

    This is really putting alot of pressure on me and my normal life! Please help!

    • Aaron,

      Great to hear from you man. I’ve done long distance relationships more than once. And since I talk about them in the past tense, it’s obvious that they didn’t work out!

      Not that it’s impossible, but not many long distance relationships work. It’s nothing to be ashamed about, and it is understandable you want to be with someone close by.

      In order for a long distance relationship to work, two people must both really, really, really want it to work. If you don’t feel that way, it’s already over man.

      It’s okay to feel afraid of losing her forever. If you care about someone, you’ll feel that way. And yes, you may be losing her forever. But if it’s not worth the long distance, then you’ve already drawn your conclusion.

      I haven’t met this young lady, so I can’t comment on whether or not you should spend your life with her. But if you don’t have the energy for it to work long distance and you want to meet others, I observe that you have walked through your emotional process and you’re already at the stage that you want to break up. You’ve just got to walk it through.

      If you choose to go in that direction, is it possible to talk with her in person about it?

      Todd

  17. I may be on the wrong site for help with this topic.. I just want another perspective.. I am in love. with this guy who has a few personal problems, I mean he has obviously been through a lot as a child. He is so amazing. . This is a long distance relationship… I am in Canada and he is in the United States. We talk about one day moving in together after my schooling (as a english teacher) is complete, and after he gets into the military (being the plan). He has been through a lot and I just don’t want to lose him – and while he has been trhough a lot I have noticed a change in him (some nights), he almost acts like a completely different person… to me, he is tired and less talkitive which is normal? I mean we all get sick of eachother and space is important. This may be ignorant I mean I do wish to learn more about him, but all I think about is that he is the one person I want. One in a million. and I have always had this belief that everything happens for a reason.. meaning he could be a blessing, or a lesson. In this process, I’m trying not to get too attached to him. I think space is important, therefore I have him ignite (start) the conversations. It’s amazing, being I love you and I love you too each night. Maybe I’m young still but I guess I just want some advice to help communicate my feelings (or affection) towards him more without… exploiting myself obviously. How do guys think? I mean I know everyones different but.. He tells me he loves me (in which I return) I don’t want to lose him.

    • Rain–

      Thanks so much for writing! I’ve given this some thought and took down some notes over the past couple weeks.

      My first question is this: you state he has some “personal” problems? What does that mean? I would say I’m slightly alarmed to hear you say that. You’ve noticed that in a short time in a long distance relationship. We all have problems, but I’ll say that jumped out at me.

      Long distance relationships are hard. Is this something both of you have the energy for? You live in different countries, that’s another toughie. A couple of years ago I liked a girl who lived in Canada. It didn’t last long. But if you both want it, it’s not impossible. It’s just going to take a lot of work. And you not needing from him the same level of attention and affection that he can only make you feel if he was with you in person several times a week.

      My last question is this: why don’t you want to lose him?

      Todd

  18. My girlfriend and i are off to seperate colleges, and i was planning on just letting the distance break us up. We’ve both talked a lot about making it work, but i just want to love the college life. We’ve broke up once before. I just don’t know if i should let the distance break us up or of i should do it soon. Or even if “living the college life” is a good reason? Please help, thanks, cameron.

    • Hi Cameron,

      I would really ask you to chew on and read points 6 and 7 again. That should give you some wise guidance. I don’t think it’s fair to “let the distance” break you up. Man up and have conversation with her.

      I know it’s not easy, and I’ve been in your situation before (thinking it’ll just get worse and one person will eventually end it or it’ll just go away). The right thing to do is to take responsibility and end it, not just wait for the inevitable.

      Todd

  19. Hey Todd

    I’ve been with my girl for about 2 years now and generally speaking she is great we are living together and i enjoy her company. I realize all couples have issues but lately i’ve been getting the wanting to be single itch. She wants to get married and i don’t.
    this is obviosuily a problem we talked about it a few months ago and i delayed it til later.

    She’s going on a trip in april to visit a friend from college and our lease is up a few wks after she returns i wanted to break up with her then (pretty sure about it) after i tell her i dont want to get married and settle down. but im not sure if i want to do it before or after her trip. I really dont want to ruin her trip by her being upset and what not on the other hand she may have a better time or meet her dream guy.

    I really do care about her and want to make the breakup as easy as possible i plan on being honest but im not sure when is good timing. I do know if i did it today or this week we would be stuck lving with each other for atleast 2 months. I know its cowardily i would rather be drama free til then i can be out of sight and out of mind.

    ITs a mess….

    • Sean,

      Wow, it definitely sounds like you have the answer. Which is a good thing—to not fret and go back and forth about whether you want to be with someone or not.

      It does sound like you care about it. And you’re right—it would be cowardly to wait just because you want things to be drama free. Don’t wait until she just has a few weeks left on her lease to drop this major life move on her. Sure, getting dumped could make a trip sour. But when someone has broken up with you, hadn’t you wished you could run away for a little while and get a mental and emotional transition? It will be good for her to get away from work and all the other stuff in life while she’s processing.

      Don’t be a coward man. Talk to her now, don’t wait. I’m not saying it’ll make the two months easy, but don’t deceive her by leading her on to spare yourself pain.

      Good luck—I know it’s easier said than done!

      Todd

  20. Thank you for this great article, it’s been really informative but I have a special situation goin’ on here and I would love to hear your opinion about it.

    I’m with this really great girl for almost 2.5years. Surely we had some bad fights over these years (especially in the last 6 months), but overall I would say that we are still a great couple.
    I really love her but…I feel like right now, I wanna meat other girls. There’s this girl I have been “slightly” flirting with her and it seems like the next logical step. I’m 26 so of course I always keep in my mind the fact that it may be just a temptation. In any case, I really feel like I wanna “do something” with other girls, either it’s just having fun or a new relationship (mostly having fun).

    On the other hand, I can’t imagine a day passing by without hearing my gf’s sweet voice and it just breaks my heart thinking about breaking up with her.

    It feels like a dead-end so I’m eagerly awaiting your feedback here.

    P.s. Yes, I really want to have new experiences right now, since you were going to ask me if I’m sure of it.

    • Geo,

      Are you committed to her or not? If you are, stop flirting with other girls and spending your mental energy having new experiences with them. If you’re not a committed guy, you should break up with her. Don’t get serious about a woman unless you are willing to solely focus on just them. If you want to have more than one girl on the hook, you’ve got some growing up to do.

      Now, that’s the in-your-face advice. The bigger, “softer” question is this: what makes you unsatisfied in life that you need more than one woman? Why aren’t you satisfied with one love?

      Todd

  21. I need some serious help. I’ve been with my current girlfriend for 6 years now. We live with my parents while we are going to college. I can’t stand being in a relationship with her anymore. The problem is, I feel like i will be abandoning her if i break it off. She comes from a very poor and unloving home. She’s a part of our family, we share bills, etc. I don’t know if i have it in me to make her go back to that hell hole. I don’t know if she will be able to function on her own. She’s so fragile. When she starts crying, it kills me, man. I don’t know what to do. I dont love her and we are never getting married. But, I feel like I would be destroying her life if I end the relationship. It’s got me so depressed, I can’t hardly stand it. I need some advice.

    • Hey Chris,

      Sorry for the delay. I gave this a lot of thought and asked some respected friends for their insight as well.

      You obviously love her, and it seems like in the romantic sense that’s waned some. It’s good to know you don’t want to “abandon” her and you don’t have to. You don’t owe her marriage, but you do owe her a clean break and to help her in the next step in life.

      Here’s what I suggest first:

      1. Talk to your parents about it. Obviously just you and them, she shouldn’t be in a place where she can overhear it.

      2. Make a plan with your parents.

      3. Have a talk with your girlfriend about your relationship. Tell her why you don’t see things moving forward long-term, BUT that she is welcome to stay with your family.

      4. Work with her on finding another place. We don’t want her moving into a terrible situation. Does she have any solid girlfriends that she can live with?

      5. Craigslist can provide some shady roommates. Can she list that she’s looking for a Christian roommate if she doesn’t have a good friend to house with?

      Ultimately, you shouldn’t feel the burden of ruining someone’s life. But she shouldn’t have to leave your parents house immediately. This was a risk you both took with her moving in. Make it as amicable as possible so she doesn’t just jump ship. Hopefully she’ll stick around for a month or two and slowly transition out when she finds a solid living situation.

      Communicate to her that that is what you want.

      Todd

      • Hello, Tod.
        I know it’s been a while, but I was recently thinking about this web page and thought I’d pop in.
        I couldn’t follow through with it, despite your good advice. She has nowhere to go. No friends. I’m all she has. My family has become hers and she spends all of her time with us. Her life has become integrated with ours.
        She has no friends and works a crappy part time job. There would be no way she would move in with someone she met off of the internet, anyway. She would have no choice but to go back to her mom and dad’s house. My parents said she has to leave if we break up. No sticking around for a slow transition.
        I just can’t do it to her. I can’t take away the family she has come to love and depend on for 7 years. But, I’m just about ready to drive my car off of a cliff.

  22. I’m in a pickle. I am in a long distance relationship and I have been with her for about 2 1/2 months. Everything was going well for us till one day, I just suddenly didn’t have a physical attraction for her. It was so weird.The problem is, she is so crazy about me that it’s going to suck to tell her that. It is almost like I love her in a different sense now. I don’t necessarily have a physical attraction for her anymore. I just care so much about her and want her to be happy. I want her to have all the success in the world. I just don’t think I want to be apart of that world anymore. Your article says not to break up over text, email, or facebook. So how do you do it? I guess skype could work, but I don’t know. Maybe I still do love her, but I am just going through a phase right now? wtf?

    • Flipper,

      Nice name by the way, haha.

      Well, 2.5 months isn’t a long relationship man. Especially long distance. It might feel really heavy or intense if you two were too emotional too quick, but don’t feel bad about realizing you don’t want to be with her. That’s part of the process.

      It is odd that you “suddenly” lost your attraction for her. That’s often something that kind of finds a little more slowly…

      If you’re uncertain if you want to be with her or not, you don’t have to rush to break it off. Find out what’s really wrong if you’re just normally a picky guy. BUT, don’t drag a girl along if you know you aren’t going to stay with her.

      You’re right–DO NOT break up over text or email. If possible, in person. Next best thing would be Skype. If your relationship is normally over the phone, in this circumstance I would find it acceptable to do over the phone. Not that she’s going to be really excited about the news or anything.

      I think what you can explain to her is that you’ve realized with the long distance and what you’ve had together so far you don’t want to continue and you don’t see a long-term future there. Tell her you don’t want to drag her along. She may not like it at first, but there’s no reason she shouldn’t respect that.

      Todd

  23. Todd,

    I’m 15 (almost 16) and me and my girlfriends 2 year anniversary is on April 23rd. We both haven’t felt close for a while and she says she wants to fix it. I don’t know if I want to fix it though. I cry all the time because I know I hurt her and I want to let her go for her own benefit. I just hate to see her cry. She has been there for me for almost 2 years and shes kept me from suicide. I will always love her but I feel she can do better. She means the world to me but I cant stand hurting her. I don’t know how to end this relationship because I feel really bad and I feel like the biggest jerk in the world.

    Jordan,

    • Jordan,

      Wow man, I really respect you. For a 15/16 yr old you certainly don’t write like it. You definitely have some grown up maturity to you.

      I asked some friends about this and they thought the same thing I did. But with that, they also felt it’s time for you to “man up”.

      So don’t drag it out any longer. You know you don’t want to have a long term relationship with her. You need to tell her that. Heck, tell her you’re 15 and you’re still figuring out life and it’s just not there long-term.

      That’s awesome that she helped you turn away from suicide. Thank her for that, and tell her she’ll always have been a big part of making you into who you are. It’s just not the marriage romance you’re wanting to build toward, and you want to step away, not drag her along.

      Don’t fear the tears man, don’t fear the tears.

      Please fill me in on how it goes.

      Todd

  24. Wycliffe says:

    Hey , thanks for a great article. I am married , got kids and have been in an affair for more than three years. The lady got a kid and she stays in a house whose rent is paid by the child father. She told me they not sleeping together and the guy has got a family. First I wanted to believe her but now I think she has been lying to me and I am hurt and very hurt. I want to break it up and it’s not being easy for me. Any advice.

    • Wycliffe,

      It’s tough to write you back man.

      You know the answer, and it’s easy, simple, and painful. Just because it’s painful doesn’t mean it’s not easy or simple to follow through on.

      You’ve got to break it off. You don’t want to be the destructor of two marriages and families.

      If she’s married, I hope she’s still having sex with her husband. You have no real reason to feel hurt about it, I’m sure your wife feels the same way.

      Time to move on and get help to fix yourself. Don’t delay.

      The first step is knowing what you did was and is your responsibility. You have acknowledged that. Now do something about it.

      Todd

    • Wycliffe,

      Another two thoughts:

      1. Your hurt.
      I imagine your hurt may be a reflection of yourself. A reflection of your own distrust because of your relationship with your wife. If you’d do it to her, can someone do it to you?

      2. Your wife’s pain.
      If your wife doesn’t already know of the affair, you must tell her. But you’ve got to go about it wisely. Connect with a pastor or a counselor on this. There will be painful fallout and you’ll need help.

      Todd

  25. Hi Todd,

    A few days a go I was on my phone and googled “When is the right time to break up with your girlfriend.” I came across this article and and wanted to ask you for advice but I didn’t because it is way to tedious to write a long message on an Iphone.

    Anyhow, I have been in a relationship that is approaching 3 years next month and this has been by far the toughest time for us. We have been fighting non stop about the dumbest things(in my eyes) and about two weeks ago I decided I just about had it. Instead of giving in to threats of break up or her every demand I suddenly stopped caring. This led to her telling me its over. About three days later without any contact since the arguement she texted me that she was coming over to get her things and then she was going to leave. When she arrived she packed up her things while we talked. I told her that I needed a break to see if this is what I truly wanted. She refused and said she wouldn’t allow a break. After our convo we still weren’t on the same page so I told her it was best for her to leave then. Before she left I had asked her for one final hug and then she can go on her way. She refused and I wept along with her as she walked out. I closed the door laid on my couch and continued to cry because this is not necessarily what I wanted but it is what needs to be done. About two minutes later I heard a knock at the door. It was her again and she was back to give me a hug. I gave her a hug and asked her if she wanted to come back in a talk more. We did that and decided if we changed things have a chance of working out. At that time I didn’t really believe things would work out but after she came back in tears I couldn’t tell her to leave again. A couple days passed after this and things actually got better. We where in great spirits and my love for her seemed to be returning rather quickly. Then last Thursday she told me we had to talk. When we got to talking she asked me if it was okay with me if she goes away with her girls during the week of our anniversary. This was essentially the final blow for me to know that we are doomed. I mean if my boys asked me if I wanted to go away during that time I would have to decline without even bringing it up to her. The fact that she would rather spend our anniversary with her friends instead of me just made me feel like she wasn’t even looking forward to it. Not only that but it made me feel like she didn’t care about the relationship anymore. We discussed it and she ultimately folded and said she wouldn’t go but it took me 3 days to let it go. We hung out this passed weekend and things went pretty well. But yesterday seemed to be a different story. In the first 10 minutes of being together I had gotten about 3 sarcastic remarks/answers from her and it completely turned me off. I had shut down. I was quiet and distant. And although she said she was just “joking,” doubt had suddenly returned to my brain. The connection was absent as I didn’t feel any chemistry. She asked me what was wrong multiple times but I refused to answer. The thought of breakup was looming on my mind in a serious fashion and I immediately thought of this article. I didn’t know if I had it in me to tell her what I was thinking and tried my hardest to just let it go and think positively. My first instinct was to try getting affection from her. So we layed on the couch together spooning as she was watching her show. As the show broke for a commercial an ad came on of another show showing what was going to happen in the next episode. It was about breakup. I started to cry as I was holding her as my frustrations boiled over. She asked me what was wrong again and I took about 5 minutes to tell her what had been looming on my mind. I told her that the relationship wasn’t working for me no matter how much we changed and that I needed time to figure out whats best for me. She didn’t understand, she thought everything was fine. Whats sad is that I didn’t want to break up with her because she has qualities that I think will be great for a family and is really a sweet, sweet girl. We spent almost 3 years together and I love her. And I still do love her but this was the first time that I just felt I couldn’t go on any longer. If I had been thinking about it so much there had to be a reason why. If I continued I would’ve been miserable. So she packed up her things and left. This time she didn’t look back. I think it is the best for us.

    Just want to conclude by saying even though I didn’t originally ask for your advice before making my decision your article put things in perspective for me and guided me as I made my move.

    Much thanks,

    Ray

    • Wow Ray, thanks so much for being so detailed and open. I’m glad I could help, and it was good to read what you wrote.

      Obviously at the end, during that brief period of togetherness again, the relationship was in a really fragile state. Combine that with you didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to handle the dry comments, things just broke.

      Which I suppose is the definition of a “break”-up.

      I’m glad you recognized that you’d be “miserable” if you were still in it at this moment.

      If you don’t want to be in something, then you shouldn’t be.

      But that statement does make me wonder, what specifically would, or was, have made you miserable?

      Todd

      • Todd,

        Just the fact that I felt trapped in the relationship made me miserable. And if I continued not to share how I truly felt with her it wouldn’t have changed. I felt, as many other guys on this post feel, like I was doing something wrong by letting go of a good girl. A girl that was loyal and put up with a lot my bs. A girl that was deeply in love with me. I knew that she was going to be hurt and cry and ask herself what she did wrong and I guess that scared me. But after reading this post it kinda insured me that not only do many other guys get this feeling but also that it was okay to feel this way. It was okay to let go if I wasn’t happy.

        • Sounds like you made the right decision man.

          It’s tough. You don’t want to hurt someone that has invested in you that you care about. But it only hurts them more to not fully love them and be committed to them. If you’re not going to be, the loving them is to let them go.

  26. i have a girlfriend whom i LOVE and i met a girl whom she likes me a lot and she always want to be with me and stuff, i need to leave the second one without her knowing i LOVE the first one, hope you can help me out …

    • M.L.,

      You are hoping to figure out how to tell your non-girlfriend that you don’t want to be with her? Not to sound like I’m trying to oversimplify things because it sounds like things have gotten more complicated than you intended.

      But my advice is still simply tell her there’s not a short, medium, or long-term future for the both of you. And apologize for leading her on.

      Todd

      • But the non girlfriend ‘whom I want to leave ‘ accepts any condition I put ‘ whatever I say or suggest ( even if I make some extreme conditions she still says ok ) … so can you explain in more details about the phrases and sentences I may use to tell her i don’t want to be with her in the least hurtful way

        • ML,

          Give her a phone call and tell her you need to talk. That’ll signal to her that you’re going to have a tough convo. She’ll dig and pry and want to know why, or she’ll shut down and be quite. That’s fine, she can go ahead and do those things.

          When you talk to her, I literally would say something like this:

          “Hey, listen. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you. You’re great for xyz reasons. But it’s wrong for me to keep stringing you along. I am in and want to be in a relationship with ______. Even if she wasn’t in the picture, I don’t see a short or long-term thing with you. I’m sorry if I’ve led you on.”

          You apologize and take responsibility for the situation. You MUST be clear that you’re causing a clean break—you’re breaking it off all the way and there’s not gray area or sort of flirting, texting, checking in on each other that’s going to happen at all. That’d be leading her on, and it’d be wrong for your girlfriend.

          Todd

  27. SickofGF says:

    Hey Todd,

    I’ve been living with my gf for over a year now, and now I want out of this situation. One of the things I’m thinking of doing is to make her feel that I’m not interested anymore so she would be the one to call it off just for me to not feel guilty at all. We’ve broken up a couple of times already but still everytime she comes back I would still accept her, but the feeling isn’t already there anymore. I know I just feel pity for her. Every single day of living with her is living a pretentious life. I’m not happy anymore and I prefer going back to my single life.

    Anyways, just venting out. Have a nice day man!

    • Hey man,

      If you want out and you’ve felt certain of that for a long time, then YOU should definitely break up the relationship (refer to point #7). Take responsibility and man up.

      Letting it drag out and get bad enough for the other person to break it off–well, I’ve been on the receiving and giving end up that. It sucks. For both parties. You need to break it off.

      Since you’re living together, that’ll be extra tough. But the absolute right thing to do is to talk to her about it.

      Todd

  28. Hi Todd,

    I stumbled across your article when I was searching for signs or clues as to what’s going on in my boyfriends mind in what I believe is his attempt to break up with me.

    We’ve been together for a year and a couple weeks ago we had a serious talk about why we thought we were fighting all the time (more me getting quiet/mad at him for short periods of time). We tried to find the root but he brought up the fact that its because we’re in a relationship that arguments happen (getting upset over directions was always one) stupid things that friends would laugh about.

    Now, i was willing to work on this and we didn’t fight the next couple of days at all, but it felt weird! Like the conversation changed us and there was so much pressure to not screw up. He thinks we should be happy all the time.

    Okay so basically after those two days we seemed normal but I left friday for a trip and on saturday he said i seemed distant, and he felt odd after our convo. I said ever since then i started changing my perspective and preparting my heart and mind, and that i almost felt single. He said he id the same. There was a lot of talk how its just him and that his life is changing and that he unstable, still cared about me, cant imagine not talking/seeing me but needed time alone

    I respected that. About a week later (today)he texted me.
    me:i want to hear everything
    him: its not what what you think it is trust me i believe i’ve figured out why.
    me: if youre leaving stuff at my house it is what i think
    (he asked what, i said breakup)
    him: do you not realize how much i care about you? does it ******* click?

    ANYWAYS i’m so sorry for rambling but I feel like hes either copping out, bullshitting or honestly torn. He has said hes “scared of the implications” and says he can tell i don’t understand how much he cares about me and that he doesn’t expect anyone else to either.

    We’re meeting up tomorrow. What are some things I can ask so that i don’t walk away feeling confused or that there is still hope if there’s not?

    • Hi Confused,

      Since you asked for some insight considering you’re getting together tomorrow I thought I better respond sooner rather than later! I usually take a couple days to chew on a commentors thoughts, so my thoughts here are going to be a bit unfiltered.

      From what you say, it sounds like you’re not pressuring him. Which is good. Women don’t want to be pressured into figuring things out immediately or making a decision right away. Neither do men.

      All relationships get put under stress. Some survive and some “break” or break-up. That’s not wrong if that happens. What you are experiencing now is no surprise. It’s bound to happen at different points whether or not you stay together forever and ever and ever.

      To your question: what are some things you can ask so that you don’t walk away confused…

      Well let him define and guide the conversation. Are you hanging out or just getting together? If you’re just chillin, let it be that, to start.

      I can’t speak for your boyfriend, but here’s what I would respond to:

      A lady not making the hangout time heavy or a drag. At some point she respectfully and sweetly tells me she’s confused and just wants to know where I’m at. She could first reassure me that I don’t have to have all the answers, but that she just wants to know where I’m at at the moment.

      Tell him it’s okay to doubt, and take his time.

      Giving the other person in a relationship their space is like a breath of psychological fresh air. They’ll either be relieved and feel great and want to break up, or they’ll miss you too much to let go. You can’t control this. I’ve tried to in the past with a girl, and it just drove her away.

      Let him have his process, but tell him at the moment it would help you and your heart to know where things are at, even if that means hearing they’re hazy.

      Let me know how it goes.

      Todd

      • Confused says:

        You’re honestly amazing. I really appreciate you responding in such a timely manner.

        I told him last weekend to take his time, and that I still care for him deeply and not to worry about me because I’d be okay in the end.

        He mentioned that the relationship scares him, but I feel like that’s something one of my girlfriends would tell me if he told me he wanted time just to make me feel better. I just can’t seeing it be an actual possibility because in my prospective, there are things that scare me too especially when our hearts out on the line but I don’t find that to be a reason to break up.

        Also, I suggested we meet at a smoothie place, but do you think one of our places would be better since its more private? I’m pretty good about playing it cool but if he wants to break up indefinitely I’ll be very hurt.

        Thanks for listening!

        • I’m sure what you said to him helped him feel a little relieved and not pressured, which is great.

          As for the smoothie place…why are you two getting together? Just to hang out or to have a talk? If it’s for the sake of talking about something serious, yeah I think it would be fine to have something to eat and before you jump into a conversation suggest that you move it somewhere else.

  29. virat kohli says:

    Hi,my girlfriend had more than 10 relationships and she has accepted that…..but when i ask her did u have physical relation or had kiss with any of your ex boyfriends?…she always reply no and moreover all that boys were of bad character…..Now she pretends that she loves me a lot,somewhere it seems but whenever i take my step forward all these things come into mind and it spoils my mood and makes me angry,i also love her a lot but many times she lied to me….so now it has become very difficult for me to continue this relation…… please suggest me………..

    • Virat,

      If you want to be with her then you’re going to have to look past the relationships and past physical activity. Otherwise it’s going to eat you alive inside. If you feel she’s being dishonest about it, I suggest you tell her that you don’t care where she’s been and you’re moving on from that. Especially if it was only kissing some guys.

      It is her past that makes you distrust her, or that you feel she’s lying about something? Have you provided an environment for her to feel safe being honest?

      Todd

  30. Hi, I’m 25 from LA & definitely could use some advice. I’ve been in a relationship with my gf for two months. Overall, I feel like we are in a great place but, we are lacking in conversational substance. That’s been bothering me since I usually will get uncomfort able will say something random to fill in the gap. It doesn’t seem like there is anything bothering her, she just might be that mediocre or me? Either way I’m pretty much getting bored now and I have felt like ouur spark is fading away. So should I just end things? She is working on her phd in counseling so I know I will have to explain myself very clearly.

    Thanks

    • virat kohli says:

      Thanks for your reply Sir,

      Yes i have given her many chances. In starting four months of our relation i did not speak a single word against her and made or created the environment she wanted but some things (like hell) had been done by her which hurt me a lot. After that whenever she says something it makes me aggressive. She accepted that she had done many mistakes and also said “she wants to be with me forever”. Now she is changing herself the way I want. But whenever (when I am ALONE) I think about her all those things (her past) come into my mind and make me aggressive. Please Sir help me and tell me ,what should I do?…………………
      Should I continue my relation or not?

    • Hey Blu,

      Thanks for writing. Hmmm that’s unfortunate to hear that you don’t feel there is “conversational substance.” That’s definitely something we want, and need, in a relationship. Ultimately, a romance really boils down to a really great friendship when you strip away the passion.

      To hear that your spark is fading after only 2 months is worrisome. Do you want to be with her?

      I draw one of two conclusions:

      A) you already realize the substance is there between you two and you should break it off

      B) you quickly grow bored or dissatisfied in relationships.

      Which one do you think it is?

      Todd

  31. Hi ,

    I am in relationship with my Girl Friend from last 12 years 6 years in college education and rest 6 years we are in long distance relation as her family moved to another city.
    In this 6 years we meet only 15 times
    During this last 6 years we had have very big fights over money lifestyle parents job and every single thing in world over phonne.
    She is pretty much demanding and so called from upper part of society. I just ignored her demands or delayed my promises thinking she will realize some reality.
    From last few years I found her very less attractive and we i think do not have much thing in common.
    We both are of age 30 .
    Now I decided to give up the things but my girlfriend suddenly started giving me respect .
    She is ready to adjust her demanding nature and she ready to live life in my way…

    I am pretty much confused now , I do not dated other girls but when i watched them closely I found their behavior , nature very friendly and I enjoyed their company in office.

    However when i start thinking of living life with my girlfriends it brings fear in my heart.
    Her family is kind of ecomonically dependent on her and she is very emotionally attached to them.

    Going through your blog i will welcome your suggestion ….
    Please provide light on it..

    • Hi Amit,

      Thanks for writing!

      You’re both 30 and that’s old enough to be ready and know if you want to “tie the knot” and get married. Do you?

      You mention you like the behavior of other women in the office–but they have a downside to just like any other girlfriend.

      It sounds like the relationship has gotten better. Are you both compromising and meeting each other in the middle?

      How financially dependent is the family on her? Are they controlling or emotionally dependent? I would want to know that before marrying into it. Unless your girl is nearly rich, this means you the family will become financially dependent on you. And if you’re not making the big bucks, you are going to have to be the bearer of bad news and let them know you aren’t having any of that. Time for them to take care of themselves (I’m assuming they are able).

      Let me ask you point blank: do you want to marry her?

      Todd

      • Hi ,
        Thank you for your inputs.
        Last answer to your question is NO , I dont want to get in relationship with her anymore now. I lost my interest and spark in this relationship.
        Now I am going through mental torture giving by girlfriend over common friends. She keeps crying , she need explaining , she think things will get solved..
        I am very much down these days thinking of what I am doing to her.
        But one thing very much sure , I want to move on and want both of us to heal as soon as possible.
        Your inputs are very much valuable to me .
        Please suggest..

        • Amit,

          If you don’t want to marry her it sounds like you know the answer to your question. I would re-read the article in terms of how to go about it.

          I assume you come with different cultural norms, so I’m uncertain if I’m the best person to give advice in this situation. I would find a man and a woman you respect and get more than one perspective.

          Todd

  32. Todd,

    I have been with my girlfriend fir the last 7 years. She has a now 9 year old son who was 2 when we first got together. His father passed when he was 1 so Ive been dad to him. For most of our relationship Ive been the only one working and for the last 3years She has not had a job. She wants to do the house wife thing except the house is always a mess and there is always some excuse. Any I just dont feel the spark anymore. Our sex life is dull if not non existant. She has ruined more than one holiday with her bad attitude. I think 99% of the reason we are still together is because of the child and i dont to loose the privilage of seeing him and deep down know thats what would happen. I just cant see us getting married or staying together as being in this lie for lack of a better word leaves me depressed and wanting to sleep to get away from her. I mean I know I want to split up but know Ill be devestated if Im unable to see my boy. Any thoughts?

    • Brad,

      This a pretty tough and unique situation. It sounds like you are in this relationship to be a father to her son, rather than be a husband to a bride. It makes sense how it’s gotten there. It’s great that you love him so much.

      7 years is a long time. It’s crazy. It sounds like you have become his dad.

      As for the “spark” and the hot sex. Well, you should talk to married people. They have to leap the same hurdle. People lose interest in each other and they have to work to rekindle the romance.

      If you are thinking of breaking it off, sit down with her first and express that you want to rekindle things. Fight for her and the relationship. If she doesn’t feel the same way, then you’ve got to reconsider things.

      I am concerned about her wanting to do the housewife thing. She’s not your wife, and it’s generous that you’re providing for her, but why? Of course it’s easy to stay home, not work, and leave the house a mess. I’m not saying it’s easy to raise a 9 year old, but I’m assuming he’s at school most of the day. If she wants you to provide then she needs to put in work to (around the house, etc). If she won’t meet you halfway on that I would be concerned.

      So back to the issue–see if you can rekindle things. If not, then should you move on? Or would you put your romance life on hold for 10 years until the boy is a man and you can have your own relationship with him apart from her?

      Todd

  33. My girl an I have been dating for around 3 months, we’re both still in high school and she’s a freshmen, while I’m a senior.
    At first I really liked her, but now the flame is honestly turning off. Perhaps it’s just me, since I’m a picky guy and I notice A LOT of details… An example would be how when I hug her her hair doesn’t smell good, or perhaps how her breath smells most of the time, even on dates!
    To me, this just shows bad hygiene and lack of consideration for me (as selfish as that may sound, but come on. I love kissing her and all but not like that. It’s unfair that I can make sure everything is alright but she can’t?)
    Second, it’s barely been (and not even yet) 3 months and she already dropped the love bomb on me. I have never said ‘I love you’ to her, and I won’t. But as far as I know she really likes me, and she’s always telling me how I’m ‘The best boyfriend ever’ and that I’m ‘different from the rest’.
    We hardly ever go out, in fact we’ve gone out only 4 times, and quite frankly I’m a bit tired of this relationship.
    Plus, prom is about a month away… So should I break up?

    • HK,

      Wow man you’ve got a big decision to make before problem. And I tough one at that. I don’t envy your position!

      Her dropping the love bomb first is something I advise girls to never do. Let the man do it first. Sorry bro. If you didn’t say it back because you weren’t ready or you don’t feel that way, there’s nothing wrong with that. She is looking for love and looking to make you into the “best boyfriend ever”, and that’s a tall order to live up to.

      Having said that, you should attempt to be a GREAT boyfriend. The best man you can be. And that means considering her little heart. If you don’t want to be with her, the best thing you can do as her boyfriend is break it off sooner rather than later.

      Even if that means you are a little bit screwed for prom.

      As for the hygiene stuff, imagine when you get married. Sometimes she’s gonna throw up, be sick, smell terrible, and you’re going to have to take care of her. Sure, maybe it’s a little gross or weird, but you’re gonna have to get over some of that. If anything, dudes smell a lot worse than girls anyways. I wish there were an easy way to talk to your our women about hygiene but there isn’t. I tried to talk to my girlfriend about her breath once and that ended horribly. Let me know if you ever find success on that front.

      Cheers,
      Todd

  34. H, My girlfriend ex is still disturbing her and she’s scared to diss her out and am tired of it and looking towards breaking up with her. what should I do

    • Jude,

      Sorry man. Sounds like a tough scenario. I need a little bit more detail before I try to give any advice about a potentially volatile situation.

      I will say this: if you are saying that your girlfriend is still attached to her ex and won’t break it off clean, then yeah, I would say you should move on.

      Todd

  35. Hi I’ve been going out with a girl for just over 2 weeks she was one of my best friends before we started a relationship I’ve tried giving it a go but it doesn’t seem right I would rather have her as a friend again also she has said that she loves me. How could I end it in the least painful way?

    • Also I am in the army and I’m based quite far away from where she lives so its sort of a long distance relationship

    • Liam,

      That’s considerate of you to want to do it in the least painful way. As I say in the article, you should be honest. And I don’t think it’s dishonest to tell her that because, in part, of the distance that you don’t see you two moving forward. If she pushes back and wants to fight for it, you need to be gentle, caring, yet firm that you don’t see a long-term future between the two of you.

      Todd

  36. Good article.

    I’m 3 months into a relationship with a girl and things are going good. But I’m living in a country away from home and, as of right now, will only be here for another 15 months.

    It’s a long time and anything could happen between us in that time but I’m pretty confident I will want to return home. The problem is that we’ve reached a point in our relationship where she keeps talking about how bright our future seems to be and it makes me feel uncomfortable when she does so, I’m looking forward to spending time with her but I’m aware our relationship has a time limit set on it.

    I wonder if it’s better to end things early out of fear of creating a sticky situation in the future or enjoying what we have now and dealing with problems as they arise in the future..?

    • James,

      Are you saying you are moving away from her in 15 months and it will not be able to work after that point in time?

      If you are not willing to try the journey and find out if you are willing to do a long distance relationship with her in 15 months, then yes, you should break it off now. If she’s already in love and see’s a great future for you two, but you don’t want a future with her, my bro, you’ve got to be honest with her now. That’s the most caring thing you can do. It would really hurt her to drag her on for another year with no intent to take it long-term.

      Todd

    • Hey James, if you’re still dating the girl, I might be able to give you some advice…

      I was in a very similar situation, living abroad and dating a girl from another country. Same type of thing where she really fell for me within a very short time span and I was kind of uncertain about things — but since I hadn’t been in a serious relationship before, I figured I would try it out, like an “experiment.”

      She was really great, but I have to be honest, like my friend (who was in a similar situation) said, “Us guys, we were just looking to get laid!”

      That was the truth, yet the girls loved us. In fact, the same friend even said something wise (when I was telling him that I didn’t feel the same way about her that she did of me): “She’s projecting her ideal image of you onto you.”

      After a few months “together” (we NEVER define our “relationship” which was an issue later on), she moved to another country. Yet, we still remained “together.” I visited her a couple times. Then I ended up moving back home to the States.

      We chatted all the same (mainly via Skype). At this point, we had been “together” for about a year — but only lived in the same city for about 5 months. I think we both figured we would drift apart, which is a main reason that there was never a “defined relationship.”

      I visited her in her home country over the holidays (back in December), and she was very happy to see me. I enjoyed her company, but I felt uncomfortable around her family (not knowing the language didn’t help). To be honest, I felt the cultural differences were just too much and I was certainly a bit rude during that trip, but she didn’t seem to care — she loved me for me. Or at least who she thought I was.

      After that I barely spoke to her, which upset her deeply. We would chat every so often via BBM and the occasional Skype, but I knew I needed to figure out my life and told her that I would be moving to a different state. I do care about her, but I didn’t know if I “loved” her. She asked me this repeatedly and my answer was something to the effect of “I respect you and genuinely care for you. And I love what you have done for me.”

      If I loved her, I would’ve moved to be with her…that’s what I figured, right? I probably stopped communicating with her with the hope that she would be frustrated with me and end it, but she didn’t. She loved me deeply, kept sending me things in the mail — including a painting that she made! I basically freaked out…I felt guilty for “fooling” her into her falling in love with me.

      I do think her age was a big factor. She’s very mature for all the things that she has to deal with (divorced parents, family in different parts of the Atlantic, having to care for her sick father who treats her poorly, and a full load of classes). She just turned 20 a few months ago. I’m 27.

      I do like her, but I know — for her sake — that there would be obstacles that I think would be too frustrating to overcome. Or at least I was unwilling to work through (I try to avoid stress at all costs). I’m a long-term thinker and I knew she would be better off with someone more willing to work with her. I am concerned about her stability.

      I’d love to go and live abroad again, and I intend to. But it just wasn’t the right time. And I can’t deal with my guilty conscience — I’m simply interested in seeing other girls (that I find more physically/sexually appealing). That probably has to do with the fact that it took a lot longer to start dating than I had hoped — and I feel the need to “catch up” and have fun. I can’t drag her into that, although I certainly haven’t had a discussion about that (the “European” mentality of “I still love you, but I’m interested in having flings with other girls.”)

      I’d love for that to be an option (and truthfully, I would feel better about things if that were the case), but it’s just not feasible.

      I’ve got my own issues, which is what I finally told her. That’s the honest truth. We hadn’t spoken in weeks and tonight I officially broke it off with her.

  37. Hi Todd, thanks for clarifying everything =)
    I have been with mine for 3yrs, have pretty much lived with her since day 1, today is the day I tell her its over. We have been on a ‘break’ for a week now, and I will agree with you, breaks aren’t the best way to sort out a relationship. It makes you think more, gets you used to ‘the single life’ and makes you ask the question: ‘Could I survive without her’.
    Unfortunately I read this article during the break, and we are due to meet and have a picnic this afternoon – a sort-of date. Atleast there wont be anyone around to hear me cry =)

    But then ive got the gruelling task of removing my stuff from her house, I’m just hoping shes going to remain strong (as we both saw this coming) otherwise im going to have an emotional breakdown. And finally I will no-doubt be stalking her for the next 6 months on the social networking sites. Im going to have to delete pics of us together (and all the rest of it) so when the right girl comes along she will feel un-intimidated.

    Hopefully today I can stand my ground and do the right thing without chickening out

  38. Andrew says:

    Hi Todd,

    Thank you for providing this forum for all the relationship crisis stricken men to vent their issues.

    I am 26 this year and have been dating my girlfriend for just over 2 years. She’s beautiful (pageant queen), intelligent and definitely wife material (loves babies, looks after the house). I plan to take it to the next level and propose if we last another year. Although we generally get along well we do fight a lot, we don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things and worst of all she’s hardheaded just like me. So if we have a fight, nobody backs down and it has resulted in us breaking up a few times, although we’ve ended up getting back together. But this time I have a feeling it might be for good.

    We’re on a break now – against your advice – and haven’t spoken for a day (we practically lived together and saw each other every day for 1.5 of the 2 years). This time I feel it is serious, and I really need to “man up” and make a decision – either to mend things up or end it. She suggested this break this morning because recently she has been feeling lonely due to a lack of attention on my behalf. She has also been feeling insecure. This is partly my fault. Althoguh I have never cheated on her, at 26 years old she is really only my first real girlfriend. As amazing as she is as a person, this selfish little kid inside me has recently been constantly gnawing and shooting evil thoughts out. I’m so tempted to go out and ‘see what is out there’ and experience all those things that I never was able to before. Things like dating other women etc. In a nutshell, I’m being really selfish because I miss being single, and feel like I will miss out on a lot of things if we end up getting engaged. She’s committed and a loving partner, but recently it’s been a vicious cycle – she senses my veiled disinterest, the lack of attention and then she ends up being insecure. I get annoyed at her and we spiral downwards. And so here I am, she called for a break this morning. The only thing stopping me from manning up and breaking up with her is the future – the sad reality is I know that if we end up tying the knot, once I matured up (finishing grad school, getting a full time job and getting all this stuff out of my system) that we would have a bright future together, because as I said, she’s wife material. Am I being selfish for wanting to go out and play? Should I shelve these ideas and fantasies and mature up, and get married? What should I do?

    Please advise,

    Distressed.

    • Andrew says:

      A few more points to add. I also feel like I have a duty, like I owe something to her – she’s been working full time for a year whilst the past year I have been finishing my grad school. She’s told me she will wait for me to finish (and I’m finishing in a month) and then we can get serious. I was happy with that arrangement until that devil within started knocking on the door. Although she’s been working full time and me studying, I support myself via passive income and the work/study dichotomy hasn’t been an issue with us. It was in the beginning, but we worked together and solved the problem adn now it’s behind us. I really feel like a b@stard if I man up and end it with her now, when I’m on the verge of finishing and having the time and life to devote myself to her even though she suggested the break. If there was a term to describe the relationship between me and her it would be practical. We definitely love and care for each other, do all the couply things, have a great sex life and social life – but it’s not goo goo ga ga true love – we are practical people and know that a relationship is more about support, and synergy – love only grows with time. Just uncertain when that time will be and when will I find it within myself to devote myself wholly to her. It’s sad that things are just short of perfect and it’s that little falling short that is leading to our current discontent and disatisfaction – can we make it?

      Thank you yet again Todd.

      • Hi Andrew,

        Thanks for writing. Most of what you’ve written is pretty positive. Your hesitations aren’t uncommon to men, or women. Temptation and dissatisfaction in relationships will come. Of course you should strike away dwelling on getting together with other women. Either you want to be with one woman or you want to play around. I’m not saying you’ll never be tempted again-you will. But who do you want to be? The man with one woman, or the guy with multiple flings?

        I’ll leave you with a question, a thought, and a piece of advice.

        Question: Do you want to marry her? Then ask her.

        Thought: Don’t wait until the future to be the man you want to be.

        Advice: Don’t wait till premarital counseling to get counseling. Go get counseling now, as an individual and as a couple. It’s not just for “broken” people. We all have a measure of brokenness.

        Todd

  39. Dear Todd,

    I’d really much appreciate your advice and after reading your article have decided that I’d like to come forth with my own issue and seek your thoughts on it.

    I’ve been crushing hard on this girl since 6th grade and it continued till about freshman year of college. We stayed in contact and eventually I had the guts to ask her out (finally!) and thus began a wonderful adventure.

    Over the course of our long distance relationship we’ve struggled through some hard times and some really great times. Eventually I transferred from out of state college back to her and finished my schooling. Things were really wonderful and I was very eager to produce a ring. However after consulting my parents at the thought, they dive bombed on my life proclaiming I was too young (was 22) to get married and everytime I considered it, they , along with friends, bombarded me about how terrible marriage is and that I should wait a little longer.

    A few more years passed and things started to falter… A lot of big life changes happened to her and she started gain a lot of weight and lose a LOT of self confidence. I stayed with her and supported her with all my heart. Eventually that self confidence became a massive hurdle in our relationship since it cause a lot of problems. She started to give me tons of mixed emotions of love to depression regarding us, she would initiate physical intimacy but when I returned it she would cringe at the thought of me seeing her without clothes. She started to compare how similar our relatable had become to that of two friends of hers that were getting divorced although those happened because one husband was cruel and the other marriage was forced.

    I recommended that she see a therapist to help her and stuck by her with ring in had as I started to waiver on the idea due to her strange behavior. This helped, at first. Then about a year later things got extremely out of hand. She would cry during sex when she initiated it, she hated me to look at her body, she didn’t want to spend much time doing the fun things we did and instead preffered sitting and watching tv, she gained even more weight to the point were she is on the heavier side of the “overweight” scale. However my love for her was too great to let her go, and being a guy I tried to fix it. I tried to get us to jog, swim, eat out randomly (but healthy), we went on more dates, we hung out with friends and family more, but things continued to crater. I ended up breaking up with her “the right way” and was left with an extremely broken heart. I felt I lost my soul mate in life. We stayed apart, no contact, for 5 months. I tried dating, it was terrible. I kept dreaming about her and what could have been and missed her terribly. We eventually ran into each other and had dinner a few days later.

    She seemed to have changed, a lot! She looked thinner, more energetic, happy, like she use to be. She told me she had a lot of personal things she worked out and realized she treated me wrong and knew I was her soul mate. I was happy, and we ended up doing friendly things together which soon turned into dating again. We had lots of sex again, lots of personal time. I had the ring still and started considering again, but then that’s when problems started again. She wanted to move in together, where as I’m old fashioned and don’t believe in that until marriage. She understood, but then things changed rapidly. She no longer wanted me to touch her unless I said I’d marry her, she no longer wanted sex unless I said I’d marry her. She no longer liked talking about having kids unless I talked about marrying her first. I began to feel heavy with stres and I told her I wasn’t ready yet because we had a few issues to work out (such as no sex, less together time, she started gaining weight again)

    Then things really took a down turn. She rapidly gained weight, she cries at the thought of having sex, she cries while having sex. I decided to be up front and told her I would no longer tolerate this and if she wants me to marry her that she needs to stop this behavior cause its driving me away. It’s been almost 7 years since we started dating. We’ve seen a counselor on the subject but I’ve been under so much stress that I get daily headaches and my teeth hurt. It’s not that I do t want to be with her, I truly do love her and break down at the slightest thought of breaking up and losing what could be. Yesterday was the first time in a couple years I felt stress free, we randomly had sex and it was fun, stress free, we were super happy! I felt normal, but then I woke up and felt the stressed again the next morning.

    We’re suppose to see a couples counselor next week. We also have our 7yr anniversary comming up that weekend. I’m horrendously stressed, but I feel that if I don’t try to make it to the couples and break up that ill miss out on something that could be beautiful.

    Don’t get me wrong, she’s a wonderful wonderful women. She treats me right, she’s always therefore me, she shows me tons of affection daily, she surprises me with loving gifts, she does 90% of the things i love to do (computer games are a no lol) she can’t stop talking about me to her friends, my famy loves her, my friends love her, I love her with all my heart and cannot imagine going through life without her. Yet this stress is so burdensome and heavy I feel like its killing me. I’m so much on the fence I can’t decide to continue or break up. When I’m without her Im sad, when I’m with her I’m happy. However when I see her like this it breaks my heart, and especially when I look at other women sexually. I’ve told her that I have done that, but i know its in response to our lack of physical intimacy. I have no other desire and don’t want to cheat, but I know that’s a warning sign because its happening ( the thoughts of what it might be like).

    I’m at a loss. My friends don’t want to talk to me about it. My family refuses to talk to me about this. I’ve been honest with her which lead to us seeking a couples counseler to give advice (won’t see her till next week thought). I really do truly love her but this stress…I feel like I should break up just to relieve it but I feel like that isn’t the right choice and I would only be choosing it to relieve my imidiate situation but would be forever sad at the thought of losing my soul mate.

    She even admits so etching is wrong with her and not me. She cries about it and wants to desperately fix it. She feels terrible for me being like this and I know she knows I love her. I don’t think about us being married right now. This has for to be fixed before that. She hinted that would correct the problem but I feel that’s a bandaid. I don’t want to be trapped in a relationship that will leave me stressed forever.

    I truly do not know what to do… Any advice would be welcomed!

    • P.S.

      Reflecting back on why I felt sad this morning as opposed to the previous night is because I, for the first time, really saw her physical features as “flaws” granted no one looks good in the morning but something really rang out… Maybe it’s the ugly looking pjs she had… I dunno. However when i see her naked, she looks gorgeous and super sexy!

      In short, What I’ve started to notice is all the things “flaws” that she keeps pointing out to me daily and it breaks my heart I’m starting to feel just as upset about them as she is.

      Like i said (and I apologize for the typos and stupidly long rant) I’m completely torn. One half says to rid things out to see better days since obviously I love her to death, and the other half says leave (although it’ll be unbearably emotionally) since it’ll be super healthy for me to relieve all this boiling stress.

      • Hey Ben,

        I hope that just writing down your thoughts have really helped you to process. I know how conflicted we can feel in a relationship. It sounds like you love her and want her, but there’s dissatisfaction there.

        You cover a lot of ground in what you wrote–could you state again the specific insight I can help you with?

        Since you do seem to care and it sounds like you want to go forward, I encourage you to seek meeting together and as individuals with a counselor. It’s not just for “wounded” people. We all have a measure of brokenness. If you want a “whole” and healthy relationship, it’s something you should consider.

        Todd

        • Todd,

          We just celebrated out 7th year together last evening and had a lot of fun!

          Thank you for your advice. After writing out my thoughts the specific insight i’m asking is, “is this just dissatisfaction with my relationship and a “rough patch” that can be fixed, or is this truly scenario truly beyond help and I should end it?”

          After reading my own words, it is apparent in my post that I do love her very much and always will, but as you pointed out, I am also unhappy with how my relationship is right now and am struggling to find ways to correct it.

          I took your advice and we are seeing a counselor today. I’m in high hopes it will help us move forward and become healthy again. At the same time though, if it doesn’t seem to help, I will know that I did everything in my power to fix our relationship and it is time to move on… to a healthier one.

  40. Hi Todd,

    After reading some other stories I wanted to ask for advice as I need another point of view.

    I have been dating my girlfriend for a little over a year. We met in undergrad and really started getting serious while I was in grad school. Now she is in grad school and will be finished in two years. We have started to plan our future together and I was even more forward about it than she was. However, now I am having some hesitations about the things I’ve said. I do love her very much but feel like I rushed and overstated my intentions. I keep finding out little tidbits about her that are not attractive. It doesn’t help that she is incredibly insecure and thinks she is not “good enough” or “attractive enough” for me. I have found that it is difficult to bring these feelings up to her because she cries as soon as I begin. I do not know if I want to break up and feel as if I could recover from a break up quickly. However it would be detrimental to her and I would feel terrible. I have not put these feelings in writing until now and apologize if they are disorganized. Thanks for your help in advance.

    Drew

    • Hi Drew,

      What you’re experiencing isn’t at all uncommon. It sometimes seems as men that we don’t really appreciate what we have until we don’t have it. Right now you’ve put your feelings and intentions out there, and “locking” yourself in suddenly feels overwhelming. I mean, yeah, of course it does! If you’ve started to take some steps towards a lifelong decision, you are going to feel emotionally overwhelmed by it.

      As for her insecurity, many, if not most, women here have those types of feelings about themselves. And they project their insecurity as coming from you. You can continue to affirm her and make her feel beautiful and wanted. If it’s a severe problem, you two sound to be at the stage I would suggest trying couples and individual counseling. It’s not just for wounded people–we all have a measure of brokenness.

      It doesn’t sound like you should bail out on this relationship man. You haven’t said anything alarming. Keep working at it.

      Todd

  41. evelyns says:

    i know I’m at the wrong place but i don’t know where can i ask for help. i just broke up with a guy today and the excuse he gave is he doesn’t have enough time for me. i really do care about him, i really want to text him but i know he might feel bad if i do that. but at the same time am thinking that i shouldn’t let go so he won’t think that i don’t love him enough. what do guys normally think when they decided to breakup? what should i do?

    • Hi Evelyn,

      Thanks for coming by and sharing what’s going on. 50% of our readers are women, so you’re still in a good place :).

      It’s a tough question you ask. I’m sorry for your heartache and disappointment.

      I commend you for having the inner fortitude to break it off with a guy who says he doesn’t have time for you. I didn’t hear exactly what he said, how or why he said it. I don’t know if he was just wanting to communicate about that and “fix” it. But just from face value of what you wrote, if someone says they don’t have time for someone (that is, they don’t want to carve out time) then they should get dumped.

      It doesn’t mean he’s bad or an idiot. It doesn’t mean you’re not worth it. Sometimes relationships don’t work out, they fizzle out, or the circumstances and place we are in life isn’t conducive for a person who isn’t mature and desiring enough to step forward with a relationship.

      That said, you’re question is whether or not you should text him.

      Why would you text him? To keep the relationship barely alive? To make him or you feel better? Those aren’t bad feelings to have–they’re completely normal. But like I said in the article to the men–if you break it off, break it off clean.

      If he wants to communicate and know why you broke it off, then feel from to communicate. Tell him that you broke it off b/c he doesn’t have time for you. You don’t got time for that!

      I’m sure there has been some developments in the last 24 hours. Update me!

      Todd

      • evelyns says:

        we didnt contact each other since we broke up. he unfriend me on fb which i dont understand why he did that. i didnt do anything. didnt have thought to get him back to me. so this act makes no sense to me. he’s the one who ask me to stop the relationship and he’s also the one refused to commit. now it makes me feel like i m the one that does something wrong. but i still text him once in a while after he unfriend me. asking how he’s doing n telling him what i did in past few days, he read it (which shown on fb as “seen”) bt never reply. i still miss him sometimes, but i tried not to text him not to find him.

        • Hi Evelyn,

          I’m sad to hear the disappointment. It’s hard, tough, and painful.

          But it’s also good that it’s over now rather than later.

          Don’t text / write him on FB anymore. It’s not helping your heart out.

          He unfriended you on FB–good. I know it might feel a little embarrassing or burn. But it’s better for you. If you keep wanting to write and text him and you’re seeing that he sees it and doesn’t respond, imagine how much you’re going to be looking at his profile and just thinking about him if you miss him.

          Not following him online will only speed you getting over him.

          Sorry it didn’t work out like you wanted. Keep your head up and keep your standards for a good man up as well. Learn from this hard times.

          Any other thoughts?

          Todd

          • evelyns says:

            there’s nothing much i can view on his fb. and i hate the feeling after breakup. it makes me feel empty. no motivation for everything. i even have the thoughts of getting another guy to get the feeling out of me. i did whatever to make myself busy and try to do something makes me happy. but they arent working. i hate the “empty” feeling.

          • Hey Evelyn,

            I’ve felt the same exact feelings. Lethargic. Defeated. Tired and sad. It’s not wrong to go out on a date with someone else. Just don’t throw yourself at him. That might make you feel worse about things later.

            It’s a good thing that you can’t look at his FB. I promise that would only make the healing take longer.

            Keep getting around good, solid supportive people. It’s good to be alone sometimes, but to get out of the “hole” feeling, you’ve got to be around healthy people even when you don’t feel like it.

            Todd

          • evelyns says:

            I saw him yesterday, i caught him staring at me a few times and even my friends saw it. but he looked away when we made eye contact. he didnt say hi or even smile to me. i know he still loves me. but why is commitment so fearful? why is long distance relation so scary?

          • DON”T put yourself out there. When you see him, be nice. Say hello. If he talks to you, treat him well.

            But that’s all. Don’t bring up relationships or feelings. He needs to initiate that, if that’s what he wants.

            A man sometimes doesn’t know what he has until he loses it. It either needs to be over, or he needs to fight for it. If he’s not wanting to go after it, then that’s the answer.

            I’m sorry it hurts and it’s obviously on your mind. But you’ve got to move on unless he’s forward and open with you.

            Todd

  42. evelyns says:

    Hi Todd,
    I know i’m at the wrong place to leave a comment but i really want to know what a man thinking about when he said he has no time for me and want to breakup with me. what should i do? should i just leave him so he and me will feel better or should i keep texting him saying i will still love him no matter what? will he gonna feel more guilty if i do that?

    • needadvice says:

      Dear Todd,

      first of all I would like to thank you for your really nice forum and the advice you are giving to others. I hope to benefit from it, too.
      I was in a really long relationship almost 10 years and she broke up with me. The relationship was not healthy and by now I am really happy that it is over. I am in a new relationship now since January. She is really awesome and I recently found out that I really do love her. Still, whenever we have some disagreement I have the feeling that I am the one who has to back up every single time. I need a strong woman but I fear this is getting to much.
      Last weekend she wanted me to come over and I did not want to since I had some other things to take care of. She made a really big scene and I ended up apologizing for 3 days.. Yesterday, the same situation occurred the other way around – I wanted to see her today and she found it unachievable. I got really mad and sad.. the following discussion was again in the same pattern as before: I tried being rational and objective while she made up arguments and actually even lied just to prove her point.
      I would love it to work but today she sent some texts with that she is unhappy and blaming me for not being able to sleep – I am sick of apologizing and backing of, but she is so stubborn that it ends up in huge fights over ridiculous things. But at the same time I wonder whether I fear to rely on somebody who possibly rejects me again.

      Looking forward to your advice!

      • Hi Need Advice,

        Great to hear from you man. I don’t have all the particulars of your relationship, but what you’re experiencing most couples, maybe all, have gone through.

        It’s not cool that she’s blaming you for losing sleep–unless it’s valid haha.

        Sounds like there are some double-standards going on, and you would do well to kindly point them out. Tell her you want to have a big conversation, and you would really appreciate her listening to EVERYTHING you have to say before responding. Maybe suggest that you want to do the same for her, but keep the conversations separate.

        One of my best friends, and the co-writer of this blog (John), will disagree with my next statement. But I try not to apologize for things just to make a woman happy, stop crying, stop nagging, be quiet, etc. When you keep caving and cowering and fearing the tears or a woman’s tantrums, you get yourself into a bad cycle.

        If you keep walking down that road, you’re no longer the leader in the relationship. She is. You become passive, soft. And the direction of the relationship will become aimless. You’ll start to hole-up your feelings and start hurting more inside. It’s no longer a two-way relationship.

        Don’t swallowing the blame she’s pointing at you when you legitimately can’t make an appointment, or didn’t do something wrong etc. Now, this still takes humility. B/c lots of arrogant and selfish people never view themselves as being wrong. So we’ve got to be careful.

        With all that said, if you want this relationship to work, I encourage counseling. It’s not just for married people or people who are relationally shipwrecked. We all have a measure of brokenness and could use some help.

        Todd

  43. AverageJoe says:

    I’ve been dating a girl I like for a little over a month. She is nice and all but she flirts with many other guys. I feel as if she’s not as interested in me as I am in her. I’m thinking about breaking up with her, but should I give it more time? And I still want to be friends with her after. Help?

    • Hi Average Joe,

      Thanks for dropping a line!

      Sorry to hear it’s not started like all of us guys want it to. We all desire loyalty.

      How “serious” are you two? As in, are you just casually going out? If it’s just a date here and there and she wants to go out with other guys, then don’t hold her to standards as you would someone that you are in a “relationship” with.

      But if you are boyfriend/girlfriend, then yeah, I wouldn’t want her flirting with other dudes either.

      So, if this is the case (that she’s your girlfriend), you have two options. Break-up or talk to her about it. I wouldn’t wait any longer.

      It’s never easy to broach this subject with girls. They will either feel judged or attacked. But that doesn’t mean you should shut it up inside or back down.

      When you can sit down and talk, let her know you think she’s beautiful, you really enjoy her, and like what you have right now (don’t make her feel like you’re pressuring her into a deep Define The Relationship talk). Let her know she makes you feel great–but sometimes the attention you get from her doesn’t feel like unique attention. Maybe that attention you like from her you see her giving to other guys.

      I would try to steer away from using the word “flirt” unless she uses it. Use “unique attention” instead.

      Damn. That was good advice!

      Let me know how the talk goes.

      Todd

  44. Hi Todd,

    I appreciate all this time you put in to random people on the internet; it’s nice to get an outside opinion. I’ll try to keep it concise, we’re high school seniors with big dreams heading off to college, but we are in a healthy relationship. It’s my first and my best, and I love spending time with her and it seems like we’re getting closer. We started in March, and we promised we would support our educations 100%. Of course, we will be extremely far away from each other, so well, you know the rest. Here’s the thing, though, I really like her, and I’m not ready to break up with her. I don’t want to avoid her, I don’t want to avoid these tough conversations (we subtly talk about it time to time), and I don’t want to spend less time with her. I don’t love her, but she makes me happy.
    My goal is to make her happy and while it seems I may do that, am I hurting her by not breaking up now? Prom just passed and we had an amazing time, and it just wasn’t complementing the situation. Is it selfish of me not to break up wit her now? Will we continue to get closer in the summer?
    And the truth is, I can’t imagine myself breaking up with her when I go off to college, but it’s a possibility. Clearly Ive never broken up with a girl, and it is a young relationship; what I want most out of it is for her to be happy, whatever the outcome.

    I think my conclusion is to eventually ask her directly what she wants-my question is when is it a good time to do this? It’s may and we leave to college in August.

    • Masked,

      Hey man, thanks for writing. You should either make a decision and stick to your guns, or bring her in on the decision. Get together with her, tell her you care about her, and talk about exactly what you just wrote. You know you’re both afraid of the pain of breaking up, but also the difficulty of a long distance relationship. Talking it through–communicating–is often a good often.

      Todd

      • Thank you for your reply, it is much appreciated.

        Good luck with all your things, as well.

        masked

  45. Hello Todd,

    I have been with my girlfriend for almost 5 months now (2 months of dating so that makes it a total of 7 months), and things are getting kind of hard lately. She is only my second girlfriend, but I’m her 4th, so she has more experiences…and, unfortunately, more baggage and traumatizing experiences. One of our issues in our relationship is trust. She says she doesn’t trust me with girls, even now. The start of the trust issues was when we were cosplaying and I left my mask (deadpool cosplay) so I told her that I did it on purpose to spend more time with her. When we were heading home, I told her the truth, that I left it accidentally and that I was just saying something sweet and she lashed out, crying and went home by herself. I was really puzzled as to why she was so perplexed by this. I know I lied, but her reaction was just, new to me at that time. Eventually, we fixed up but it was never the same till then….white lies are blown out of proportion, and she really has a tendency to be super jealous. I am thinking that she wouldn’t want her past experiences to be repeated again (she is a single mom and gave birth when she was a teen….and she’s just 20 now). I understand that so I decided to just be patient. It’s kinda worsening coz she now gets mad when I look (not even stare) at other girls, blocks my close lady friends in facebook and wont let me add any female friends in there. Now, she moved in with me….and I kind feel the old married couple vibe already. I love her…and I don’t know what to do. Shall I end it with her already?

    Thank you,
    Mark

    • Mark,

      Wow man, that’s a lot! You’re a bit of a step-father right now, and assuming you’re sleeping together, yep, in old times that would make you married. It’s called consummation.

      So you’re essentially married to this girl now, is what it sounds like. Do you want that? If so, you should propose. If you’re not sure, then you have some processing to do. I suggest seeing a counselor. I can’t do that processing with you or for you.

      At the least, I encourage you to talk to her about communication. If she shuts down or lashes out about little things, that means they’ve already become big things. You need to talk through this stuff.

      Todd

  46. Griffin says:

    Hey Todd,

    Loved the article, it helped me a lot going through this process. I just broke up with my girl friend of almost 2 years yesterday (also my first official girlfriend). MAN THAT SUCKED! I knew that it had to happen as I was becoming unhappy and feeling detached from other things in my life, but it’s hard to not second guess myself. I can’t stand knowing I completely broke her heart.

    Reading the comments your response to “G” on February 26th was very helpful. Before we started dating we were actually very good friends, and had never thought of each other as potentially being something more.I think that while initially I was infatuated by exploring something new with her, I have grown to love her in a caring very close friendship sort of way. But unlike that situation, we have been dating for close to 2 years not 2 months.

    What further complicates the situation is that we still share 99% of our friends and are part of a very close knit group of friends. We want to be able to be able to go back to being friends but I’m not sure how to go about doing that because I know she was/is head over heels in love with me. Any help on moving forward and transitioning into close friends would be greatly appreciated.

    Also I’ve started reading your other articles and you give some great advice about life. Van’t thank you enough, bravo man!

    • Griff,

      I really appreciate the feedback man! What else have you been reading? I just read the Feb 26 response to “G”. Great stuff, thanks for pointing to it.

      A break-up after two years can’t be easy man. Sorry to hear it’s tough, but bravo to you for having the balls to walk through with it. It’s easy to let things drag on that we know we shouldn’t.

      As for the shared friends, man that is a tough one. You can’t really go back to “just friends” for a long time. Probably until you have have dated other people, been jealous for each, and got over it. Don’t feel any pressure to be besties, and try to treat her kindly and if you guys get a chance to chat, do it. Don’t make her feel tossed aside. If she brushes you off, don’t be offended by it. Just know that she’s either hurting or just plain doesn’t know how to act. Try to live in an understanding way towards her in that regard.

      Todd

  47. Well me and my girlfriend have only been together for about two months and things escalated pretty quickly. We were very passionate and all that jazz right off the get go and we both started to fall in love. She texts me throughout the day and she is kind of clinging on to me which I wanted to avoid it seems like if I have any free time I have to be with her. I want to end things but I don’t want to feel like its her fault. I loved her but it was because I was vulnerable and really didn’t know what I was feeling. She talks about long term and I really can’t see me spending my life with her and being happy. I graduate this weekend and she’s really excited and has gotten me a gift and plans on going to my graduation and my party. What is your advice on how I should go about doing this, I have 2 days until I graduate and if I can I think I should do it tomorrow.

    • Big B,

      Did you break-up with her? That’s a tough situation…when you want to end it, but there’s a special occasion coming up–holidays, birthdays, etc. I don’t know the answer to if a person should break up the day before something like that. It’s tough man. Let me know how things are going.

      Todd

  48. hye there todd. i been while my gf for one year. recently its been bad for us. we once a while fight, sometimes were just not communicating. i still love her and i want this relationship to work. now she enter diff college as me. she always to busy with friends, assignment, ect ect. when i try talk 2 her she ignore me. i ask if she loves me or want to be with me she said “not anymore or not like i used too'”. i wan to solve this face to face, but she doesnt want. she keep saying she tired and such. really demotivating me. she even suggest to break up. i was so hurt of her saying that i just rage out and i said fine. then i promise her i wont contact her anymore. and she send me calling me sweet names. Im to lazy to play her games. any idea?

    • X.A,

      I obviously don’t know all the details, but from what you’ve described, it sounds like a typical–and unhealthy–college relationship. She doesn’t have the energy to put into communicating. She puts you off when you need to talk about something serious.

      It all sounds like a drag man. If you truly believe she’s playing games, don’t play them.

      I have no doubt in certain moments she misses the attention, and that’s probably why she random texts you sweet names. Next time she does, put her on point. Ask her if she’s just flirting, or is she really interested in you. Not that you should make things super serious all the time, but if it’s going nowhere, put it out there.

      Todd

  49. Hi

    I was dating a guy for 5ish months. He was very busy and took on another commitment. I know he was feeling stressed.

    I said that I didn’t want to be slotted into his life and he did a 180 and closed off. He eventually broke it off after a few confusing text messages. I may have forced his hand.

    The problem is we have booked an overseas holiday together. He keeps cancelling meeting up to discuss what we should do with it?

    Why won’t he just get it over and done with?

    I sent a message saying I didn’t want it to end and a maybe there was a bit of miscommunication. I’m not sure if he’ll reply. But if he does and he says no then I feel that will bring me closure.

    Any advice will help.

    Thanks

    • Hi Prue,

      Thanks for sharing. It’s tough not having closure, it’s a good thing to desire. At the same time, you want it to work out. It’s a hard place to be in, I know.

      I don’t know the content of the text messages, but it’s frustrating to hear the break-up having in that way. If you think you “pressured” him away, considering he was already stressed, continuing to try to set up a meeting will only add more pressure.

      BUT you shouldn’t feel bad that you didn’t “want to be slotted” in his life. If you’re dating for 5 months and it’s not going anywhere, it’s fair to say you want some direction.

      Here’s what I suggest: wait a few days (it’s been a few since you wrote this) and give him a phone call and say, “Hey, I hope you’re well. It would really help me if we could just have one face-to-face conversation. No pressure or big expectations, but could we just talk even if it’s briefly?” I hope that’ll make him feel a little more “safe” about getting together.

      If I were him, stressed and feeling under pressure, and I felt like I had wronged you, I would be afraid of getting blown up on (deservedly). Hopefully you’ll get together and be able to talk about why it ended and what’ll happen with the trip.

      On the trip matter…don’t go with him. If he won’t commit to working stuff out don’t travel with him.

      Let me know how it goes.

      Todd

      • Thanks for the advice Todd.

        Update: we were supposed to meet up last weekend, but he flaked. I told him that I felt like he would keep flaking so would he like to sort out the trip himself. He told me to please not think like that and that if he didn’t want to meet up he wouldn’t have suggested it.

        He’s recently been taking a lot of time off work; one full week then at least one day per week for the last three weeks. Yet he still plays sports.

        I sent him another message saying that if he’s got something bigger going on then he just needs to say so and I’ll leave it at that. I told him I wouldn’t yell at him I just want a brief civilised conservation, sort something out then move on.

        He replied saying he appreciates my concerns and that we’ll catch up this weekend, said he doesn’t want this dragging on and that he doesn’t like ignoring the situation (???). He said to leave it with him and he’ll initiate something.

        This is all so confusing and frustrating. I’m expecting him to flake again.

        Can you please decode this male behaviour…..

        • HI Prue,

          Thanks for swinging by Fearless Men again.

          I don’t know for sure, b/c I haven’t talked to him, but his behavior certainly points to the fact that he feels bad. And when you feel bad and stressed about something, sometimes you try to avoid it rather than work on it. I’m assuming here, but it sounds like that is exactly what he’s doing.

          Hopefully you get together this weekend and things are resolved. But if he “flakes” again, I might suggest sending him a message saying to not worry about it and you don’t feel the need to meet up anymore. If he then insists on meeting, then you guys should meet on your terms (your timing, location, etc). If you don’t meet up this weekend don’t inconvenience yourself anymore with this guy.

          I’m sorry it’s not panning out like you had hoped.

          Todd

  50. musicteacher says:

    I have been dating my girlfriend for a little over two years and things have gone south. Way south. She has come across a group of friends recently that she really likes, but I know they’re bad influences. I don’t hang out with them because I don’t like them, except for one guy. He’s pretty cool, but he is gay and has a huge man crush on me. I don’t want him and he knows that, but I think she hangs around him more and takes romantic pictures with him because she’s found a guy that she can do romantic things with without having to be in a relationship. Also, recently, I have come into a new job, which requires more time and effort and I don’t get any support from her. I’m a music teacher and I also have a side job at a restaurant, which gets busy too. But lately, she’s been extremely distant and doesn’t seem to care about anything I do. She always bad-mouths Christian stuff, especially music, and I am interviewing for a Christian school job soon. She also bad-mouths my family and I love them dearly. What should I do? I don’t see us getting married or even engaged. We are long distance, but not for the whole year because she goes to college near me. Please help?

    • Music Teacher,

      What are you feeling about it now? If you were to re–read what you wrote above–and you were me–what advice would you give yourself?

      I think the answer to your question is pretty clear in what you wrote. You know what to do.

      Todd

  51. Hello Dear Todd!
    That was a wonderful article.
    I need you to give me the best advice about my relationship.
    5 years ago I met a girl on facebook, she was from the same city where I live, we fell in love with each other and by the passage of time, it became almost impossible for us to fall apart. But due to social values, we were not able to meet each other too much. During first 1 and half year, we could only meet each other for thrice. But we used to talk over phone every night for hours.
    Then her family got to know about it. They never liked it. Because of status difference. She belongs to a rich family, while I am from the middle class. But she insisted and her family somehow agreed. then after completing my engineering I went to Kingdom of Saudi Arabia for job. We kept the regular contact. And even while living abroad, we almost used to chat/talk daily. Then we got engaged last year.
    But in 6 months, I left that job (I know it was not a right decision, which proved out later) as I wanted to do my Masters in engineering from Australia. But I had already told her parents about my aim before our engagement. And I promised them that I would marry her within 2 years. But when I came back, she started insisting me to get marry. I told her it was not possible bcz first I had to do my Masters and second I didnt have enough money. One day she used to agree with me, but other day she was not. Her family was emphasizing her that If I didnt agree to marry within few months, then it would be over between me and her.
    I talked to her about that. I promised her that by the end of 2013 I would marry her. she was agreed. Then she fell sick and was hospitalized. I kept calling her number, but it was off for whole one week. I didnt call on her mother’s number, bcz she was totally against me, and I knew If I would talk to her, she would blame for all this. I told my mom, and she called her mother to know abt my fiance’s wellbeing. Her mother told her that she was ok.
    After that within 3 days, her parents just ended the engagement, telling me that there is a big status difference and that I dnt care about their daughter. I was completely broken. I requested her parents not to do this, but stayed firm. But after hearing from their daughter, they said that now I would have to marry her before I start my Master of Engineering Program. I accepted it. then few weeks later, they said, I would have to give dowry of 2 million Rupees. I told them I cant afford it. but yes Once I get married with her, I would earn for her. But donot make it difficult for me. I spoke to her father in person. He said he would reply me later. and I kept waiting. On the other hand I tried to contact her, but her cell fone was off. Then I went silent. After 1 month, her father called me and told me that they had thought a lot about it, and they thought it was better to end that relationship. I didnt say anything this time, because my fiance didnt contact me on her own. But right after 4 days of break-up, she called me and told that she loves me too much. And ask me not to marry anyone else, no one would be able to love me like she did. I told her where had you been all this time, she said she was hurt, she had an idea that her parents would break this engagement, but she never knew when.
    I asked wt does she want now, she said she wnt marry anyone, she would always love me. But this time I had become too much in secured about it. She told me she would not be able to contact me openly and daily. because her family members wont like it. so we started talking daily at late night, but only on SMS.
    She being a girl, blamed me that it was all my fault. and I too started losing my temper telling her that it was all her fault.
    but I could sense she was v sad deep inside that we were not together anymore.
    she said she would wait for me. but then again in the later part of april 2013, we had a huge fight because I saw she added a guy from her university (she is currently doing her MBA which will end next year in september).
    We stopped talking, she changed her facebook password. I somehow being got her pw back, and found that her university female friends were telling her to move on. it was over between her and me. and that the guy she tried to add was more good looking. she too shown some interest in that guy, and was keen to move on. but that guy didnt talk much to her nor he added her up on facebook. but then I also read in the last chats with her friends, that she was missing me and that nothing in the world makes her feel good unless she is with me.
    I told her that I had read the chat and she doesnt need to move on, I would move on so that she would be happy with that guy. she started crying telling me that she only loves me, yes she had a crush with good looks of that guy, but she can never love anyone else.
    Now, for past 1 week, we are on good relationship mode. I donot get angry, and try to stay in touch with her most of the day. but deep down i am still insecure, what will happen as her friends still trying to tell her to move on, and she herself didnt tell her friends that she is still in touch and in relation with me. I am moving to Australia in a month. I love her so much, it has been 5 years. I see her as my wife. I know she loves me too. but situation can become worse. I donot know what to do. we made a pact that in 2 years, we will marry eachother. Please help me out. I am sorry, I have written too much.
    I would be thank ful to you.

    • Hi Ebby,

      You wrote a lot for me to chew on. I apologize it’s taken so long for me to get back to you.

      I may not be the best person to give feedback as I didn’t grow up in a culture where it’s expected to give a dowry for a girl. That’s a very very complicated situation your in. But if you truly love her, and she truly loves you, I think you’re going to regret not making it work no matter what the cost.

      Marriage can be “expensive.” Strangely, b/c it shouldn’t be. But these mega problems you’re facing, those will be solved by marrying her (sure, there will be other problems that arise). I think you should at least considering marrying her now and being married while knocking out your masters degree. Why not?

      Todd

  52. Hi,
    I met a pretty girl about two years ago. We became so attracted to each other,kissed and then a relationship started. Prior to this I never intented a relationship until I felt I was ready for it(maybe 6 or 7 years time). I didn’t want distractions.
    Along the line, the attraction reduced greatly, majorly because she had a pungent mouth odour. Coupled with her negatives, she’s shy(I’m shy too, needed someone more outgoing), she requires a lot of attention which I’m not ready to give cos I feel I should be doing progressive stuffs or something.
    I want to be single until I’m ready for marriage so I could make utmost use of my time.
    I’v tried breaking up severally but she keeps on crying. I console her. She calls again and calls me baby! Never giving up.
    Don’t want to hurt her deeply.
    Please help.

    • Hey Vic,

      I think you should be honest with her about your desire to not get serious about a relationship for years from now. She should know that now. And if you aren’t really interested in her anymore, and you know you don’t want to marry her or anyone else for a while, then you should break it off.

      I’m not saying you’re immature just b/c you don’t want to be married right now. That’s fine. But take some time to grow up a little more before you get into another relationship.

      Todd

  53. I am in a very committed relationship of a little over two years and we’ve been through a lot in the years. But, I’ve recently gotten feelings for another woman who also has feelings for me. I love my girlfriend and don’t want to break it with her, but I believe that the other woman would be better for my future because we are receiving the same degree in Music. I want to make my choice by Tuesday because I don’t want her, the woman that like me, to wait and I don’t want her to wait. What do you think I should do? I’ve been praying and thinking about it here lately.

    • Cody,

      I don’t enough of the details to tell you what decision you should make. But if you don’t love your girlfriend enough to be with just her, and you don’t see a future with her, that’s a bad sign. As for your other music girlfriend, maybe career and “calling” lines up, but there’s so many other things that have to come into play for it to work.

      I think you have to make your decision aside from not “wanting to be alone.”

      I would suggest you find a counselor to process this with. It’s way over my head.

      I’ll note that if you start a relationship with the second woman, she’ll likely be insecure about whether or not you’ll stay loyal to her in the future.

      Todd

  54. johnnyboy13 says:

    Hi Todd,

    Thanks for this website! I wish I stumbled onto it sooner. Anyways, I dated a wonderful woman for one year, but I broke it off both because of distance and I wanted to improve myself as a person…alone. More importantly, she wants children and is at an age where it has to happen soon. I just didn’t want to be in a relationship with her or anyone. Anyways, we remained friends over the phone for awhile. When I realized she was still attached, I broke it off completely (mainly for what I felt was her benefit).

    Anyways, after two months of no contact, I received a call from her…no was message left. Do I return her call? Or maybe send her a text or an email? Or is it best not even to return it at all? I want to respect her feelings and want her to move on, and I care about her deeply so the whole situation is very difficult. Thank you for your answer!

    -John

    • John,

      How did you leave it off? Was it bitter (for her)? Did you both say you’d never talk again, or just break it off but said “Hey, I’ll see you around, take care,” type thing to end?

      If you had called her back that same day that would have made sense. But since there was a delay/hesitation, and she didn’t tell you why she was calling, calling her back now would just re-ignite hope I assume.

      Todd

  55. Hi Todd

    This is a great website and I’m hoping you can help me!!

    I recently(2mths ago) met a guy on a dating website. He told me quite quickly that he had a girlfriend abroad and he had moved back to the UK and was looking to make some new friends in the area. At that point I was happy that we could just be friends.

    However, as we have seen each other more it has become clear that we both have feelings for each other. We have kissed and he has told me how much he thinks about me when we aren’t together and has told me other complimentary things. I have told him how I feel and have intimated that he needs to break things off with his girlfriend for anything more to happen with us.

    The last time we spoke about this he said that he doesn’t want to break it off over the phone with her but she lives in Singapore and we live in London so he would spend alot of money and time visiting her to break it off. He also said that he is worried about breaking it off with her for things not to work out with me.

    All in all I am confused about his thought process on this all… surely if he wants to be with me breaking it off with her shouldn’t be so difficult and he shouldn’t be thinking that things might not work out with me before anything has even happened?? I don’t know what to do… do I give him some time and see what happens, do I tell him straight that I don’t want to get hurt and that nothing more can happen with us until he is totally single or do I tell him that we shouldn’t be friends anymore? I am very confused and worried that I am going to get hurt.

    Thanks for your help in advance.

    Lena

    • Hi Lena,

      Thanks for being so open!

      I must start by saying I’m confused he was on a dating site with a girl back home. Does she think he’s loyal to him while he’s having some extra fun on the side? I would have to get that answered–that’s a major red flag.

      I can appreciate someone wanting to break-up in person. But to keep it alive overseas for months when you know you’re going to break it off, that’s inconsiderate. He’s not loyal to the woman in Singapore, and he needs to let her know he’s moved on.

      Todd

      • I have been with my girlfriend for 2 months, for the past month it’s been constant arguments, she wants me to move in with her, my ex recently contacted me and basically told me she likes me still and glad that were talking again I think I like her too! My girlfriend lives far far away and we never met in person but Skype everyday

        • (Sorry Lena–I’ll have to respond to the above comment here)

          Robbie–If you’ve never met your girlfriend, don’t move in with her.

          If you still have feelings for your ex, definitely DO NOT move in with your current girlfriend. In fact, I don’t think moving in with a woman you’re not married to will help create a healthy situation for you in the long run.

          Todd

  56. julius michael says:

    i have been dating this girl for about a year now. at 1st, she showed me love and always confesses how much she loves me. The issue is that, after 4 to 5 months of the relationship, she started ignoring my calls. And even if she did pick the call, she will be waiting for me to hang the call cus she didnt wanted to hear my voice at the 1st place. She even told mme in 1 of our conversation that i was talking ”nonsence” it got me angry and i just hung the call. she tells al my freinds that am not a good guy. And also trys as much as possible to make me know that she is not scared of hrt break.. The truth is that i love her soo much but my heart is made up to let her go and i don’t know how to break up with her. What do i do?

    • Hey Mr. Michaels,

      If she is telling your own friends you’re not a good guy, and doesn’t enjoy talking with you, you should end this as soon as possible. As I say in the article, be honest with her why you are breaking up. State to her the things you said in your comment above. You’re not trying to make her feel guilty or punish her. Just tell her it’s not working out, she hurt you, why, and that you must move on.

      She may try to heap some blame on you. Go ahead and listen to her, tell her you had some fun times, but that it’s better for both of you to not continue dating. Then let the conversation end.

      Do you really love this girl? Or are you feeling that way, and trying so hard, b/c it hurts and you want to prove to yourself it can work?

      Todd

  57. My ex girlfriend was dating another guy while we were still together. I dumped her through text, I don’t care, she asked for it. Now she’s pregnant from that guy lol so sad jajjaj

  58. Great list Todd, something every guy should know. Too many ladies have been hurt because the guy just wanted the quick and easy way out of the relationship. Take the time to do it right and help leave her heart in a good place.

  59. I totally disagree with this.
    If you’re still going be confronted with this girl or she’s the spitefull type, it’s better to have her break up with you. The problem when you break up with a girl is that her ego gets terribly damaged and she will often end up hating you for it after the ‘trying to win him back period’.
    It’s better for everyone if ‘she decides to leave you’. Just display the kind of behaviour she really hates for a while and she will break up with you. One of the best ones is to show up drunk often. She will pity you and leave you, but she will not hate you, which gives you an easier time and you can have a normal conversation when you see her in the street. She will have her ego boosted rather than bruised, and will be better of because of it.

    • Law–

      Do you disagree with the whole article, or just that point?

      If you are breaking up with a girl for a really specific reason, do you think it would help her to tell her why? Humans don’t grow in a vacuum–we grow when we interact with each other. It’s hard to be self-aware when we are doing something wrong. And maybe a woman, or a man, will only get the growth they need by someone willing to be honest with them and tell them what’s going wrong in a relationship.

      Todd

  60. Hey, Todd! You’ve truly written a masterpiece of an article and I can see that the advice you offer to others is kind, sensitive and wise. Ergo, I was wondering if you can help me with my relationship problem.

    My girlfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years and she lives an hour away, a fact we have coped with as we see each other at least 3 times a month. In that time I have broken up with her 3 times, (a fact I am not proud of as it shows my clear indecisiveness) but each time I’ve returned to her because I can see she has astoundingly genuine feelings for me. This is the first time anyone besides my family has shown me something like this and it is indeed attractive. You must understand that from a completely analytical point of view, she always knows exactly what to say to make herself appear caring and genuine and is nearly perfect in every relationship aspect conceivable. In other words, there are no problems with our behavior towards each other that would threaten its integrity.

    However, each time I have broken up with her stemmed from an inescapable feeling of dissatisfaction, that is to say that I am happy with the type of person she is is and the future we could hold but am not “completely satisfied”, for lack of a better term. I always returned convincing myself that I was wrong to think that and that we were “meant for each other”. She always would encourage me to feel the latter way and reminds me of how I am her one true love and how she’ll only ever love me on a daily basis. I feel uncomfortable at times because I don’t always feel the same way. There are also days when I have no interest in talking to her even though I should, as she desires to talk every single day in some manner but does not force it upon me.

    I suppose what I am trying to say is that I don’t feel as happy as I ought to in this relationship. At times I do, but at others I don’t. What should I do?

    • DaGuy,

      Sounds like she’s a great woman. You don’t want to be with her, or are you just uncertain?

      When you felt “great” about the relationship, what was different, what was it like? Are you dissatisfied with her, b/c you have her and she’s so loyal, or are you dissatisfied with yourself?

      I have no answer for you on this one. You’ve got to process your emotions and inward thoughts. It’s a deep one. I encourage you to consider finding a counselor to talk with this through. They won’t give you answers either–but help you discover for yourself why you feel what you feel.

      Todd

  61. mostafa says:

    i AM in a relationship since 3 months & i can not love her but i make her love me & she do every request from my side.

    i want to give up & not broke her heart.

    • Mostafa,

      If you can’t (or won’t) love her, and that’s what she wants in a relationship, what do you suppose is the right thing to do?

      Todd

  62. Richard says:

    Hey Todd,

    I’d really apprecitate it if you could help me out mate.
    I wanna tell you my problem, but i think i have to start from the begining.
    So my story starts out like this…I used to crush on this girl since the 4th grade (I am know in da 12th). She, to me, was everything. From the moment I first met her, i fell in love. T’was Love at first sight. Anyway, I never wanted to tell her how I felt and honestly never intended on doing so cauz i thought she was way too good for me until, a mate and I went out drinking one night to which I got so wasted. I told him everything. He then told her and yeah, she started to ask me questions. At first, I kept denying everything, then it got to a point where I typed up this long as message, telling her how I’ve always felt. She then told me she felt the same, however, she had a boyfriend at the time and the timing was wrong. So I waited, and waited, we did text and stuff. But I often got confused becauz she’d tell me stuff but then when I go onto faccebook and I’d see her posting things about her and her boyfriend. So I came to a tough decision, I decided to let her go. I then went out with another girl (my first girlfriend). Honestly, to try and get over her. A few weeks later, however, she broke up with her boyfriend. Then at a party, like two months later, she told me she stil felt the same about me, I can’t deny, I did too. But I had a girlfriend. So from there on, we started texting again. I wanted to be with her so badly but I had a girlfriend. I didnt know how to break up with one girl for another. She confused me so much that it started to affect me and my relationship. Anyway, I decided that I couldn’t break up with one girl for another, soo I let the girl I’ve loved for the past 8 years go (I still love her). Since then, she’s met another guy and she seems so happy- judging by her statuses via facebook. Right now, at this point in time, I don’t feel anything for my girlfriend. Not eing with the other girl has made my relationship pointless. However, I do love my girlfriend so much, and I still do care about her alot. We’ve been through soo much together and she’s great. She’s that one in a million that every guy would want, however, I feel like we’re just two different people and I don’t know if we’ll work out. Cauz our relationship has suffered so many blows (her ex was a problem to me). I’ve hurt her so much at times and its really affecting her school work as well as mine. I really wanna let her go but I just don’t know how to…she’s my first girlfriend ever and we’ve made soo many promises, but I just don’t feel the same. I just want out.

    I however don’t want to wake up one morning missing her and regreting everything.

    Please help…

    • Hey Richard,

      It sounds like fear may be driving you to stay with your current girlfriend. You say you love her and have made promises together–but you’ve got this other girl making you think about breaking up with her. Don’t make anymore promises.

      The girl you’ve been crushing on for a long-time, it sounds like she’s going from guy to guy. It sounds like she is genuinely interested in you. But the fact that she expressed that while she had another relationship going on is a sign that she possibly can’t be trusted to be loyal while in a relationship. It’s great she didn’t “act” on that feeling and wasn’t trying to fool around with you. But “affairs” aren’t just physical for women, they can have “emotional affairs” as well. I’m betting she’s too young to have this perspective about herself.

      My question is, do you want to be with your current girlfriend? If you are ready to go into college life and really try with your current girlfriend then you should. If you’re holding out for another girl, break up with her. Don’t drag her through that.

      Thoughts?

      Todd

  63. Ok my boyfriend of one year recently broke up with me but there were no signs leading up to it. He was unemployed I’ve tookin care of him the whole time never nagging him to get a job. I was very open and caring and we spent so much time together. We experienced alot together we know each others friends and family he became a big part of my life.we argued but it was never anything too big and he was always willing to fight afraid to give me up. He told me I was the love of his life we planed a life together. Now he hits me with he’s not madly inlove with me, he needs to sort his life out, he can’t take my past ( I’ve been threw alot in life) he needs to find himself and he can’t deal with the pressure he just dont want to be in a relationship. I mean like every single unreasonable excuse there is and I feel lost and stuck . I know he loves me I went above and beyond for him he called me beautiful and expressed his love for me all the time even after ending things. What went wrong and is there a chance of him realizing he made a mistake? We are both 20. How can he feel so different out of nowhere? He says he still loves me but how can he not want to be with me anymore when I was so good to him?

    • Cece,

      I’m sad to hear that things broke up and hurt so bad. You’re definitely going through a tough time.

      There are three questions you asked:

      1. What went wrong and is there a chance of him realizing he made a mistake?

      I don’t know many details. I don’t know if he’s upset at you, or if something went wrong, or just grew old in the relationship. Maybe things are so great, and he feels really inadequate for you b/c he wasn’t working. Men have insecurities too.

      I can’t speculate much on this. But it’s possible the “problem” has less to do with you and more to do with him. He can feel inadequate, insecure, and unready or unfit to take care of a woman for 50 years. That can be an intimidating and overwhelming thought for a man–to be financially and emotionally responsible for a woman– for forever!

      You need to go ask him what went wrong—and don’t tell him what you think went wrong. Just listen to him.

      Can he realize he made a mistake? It sounds like he already does. Will he change his mind? If he still says he loves you, then I suppose so. Give him time. Don’t force him to make a decision. BUT, you should start moving on. Tell him you are moving on, but that you still love him too. That you want to talk, but if he wants you, that he needs to tell you and you both will need to come meet in the middle and work at it.

      2. How can he feel so different out of nowhere?

      I doubt that this was out of nowhere. He had a lot of stuff emotionally build up, and it all finally collided at once.

      3. He says he still loves me but how can he not want to be with me anymore when I was so good to him?

      I don’t know him, and I know very little details. But the way you describe him backing away makes it sound as though he feels…bad. If he really does still love you, and he’s blaming himself, then he is blaming himself. It’s not because you weren’t good enough. HE doesn’t feel good enough.

      What are your thoughts on this Cece?

      Todd

  64. Reinier says:

    Hi Todd
    I need your help please.
    I am a 26 year old guy
    I have been dating this amazing girl for 8 months now.
    We’ve finally moved in together 3 weeks ago, and I have thought that I’d like to move things up a little.
    We still haven’t had sex yet, but have been fooling around since the first month. She told me from the start that she had a moral issue and wanted to wait until she gets engaged before having sex. Problem is, she aint no virgin anymore, as she has been engaged 2 years ago, but broke it off.
    My problem however is, that she has no sex drive at all! Its driving me crazy. For the last 2 months or so, I’ve been hinting literally every single night just to touch her. I am very patient with her and I have always respected her. But its driving me mad. I love this girl so much, but she doesn’t want to touch me or even kiss me for longer than a second. We have very little intimacy. I know she loves me, and she does not even look at other men. She has told me that she is not really an affectionate person. One of the worst things for me, is that I would play with her untill she reaches at least 3 orgasms. Even if it takes me an hour I wouldn’t stop playing with my fingers….but then when its my turn, she would put her back into it for 3 minutes, and then ask me to go on and finish….every time!..What is up with that? I would marry this woman one day because I love her so much, but I dont want to put a ring on her finger just because I want sex.( Thats just not right) But what can I do to get things going? I have tried talking to her, but that didn’t get me anywhere. And even if I do get engaged and marry her one day, would I still have to beg her for a little sex?
    Please help me man!
    Thanks

    • Reinier,

      If you love this woman so much that you would marry her, then why don’t you? I agree, don’t marry her for sex. But if it’s for more than just sex, then talk to her about marriage. Definitely share with her what you’re worried about. If she has no sex drive, go see a therapist. If it’s truly a moral conviction, then honor that.

      Todd

  65. Hey, I need some help. This girl and I have been dating for 2 months now. Unfortunately, she doesn’t really ‘pitch in’ if you know what I mean. Like, i’ll be messaging her and 90% of the time, she simply says ‘haha’. When we first started dating, she said, and I quote, “Hey, Don’t text me unless I text u first. k?” She rarely ever texts me. We’ve gone on 1 date so far, but only because the times I try to plan with her, she says something about going to Vegas or something similar. On that 1 date, (we went to a movie) she sat there with her arms folded. My mother thought we should break up after an incident she didn’t like set her off(We had made plans to take her home, but her sister got her instead, and the part my mom didn’t like was that they left me there. During the planning, she constantly changed it to who would pick up who, etc) It’s evident my mother doesn’t like her. I am completely lost and confused about what to do. I’ve done some research on signs she doesn’t like me, and she displays many. She is 14 right now, due to be 15 in about a week; and i am 15 right now due to be 16 next month. I don’t want this to end like my last relationship where she cheats, lies, and is downright unhappy with me. Please get back to me ASAP; thanks.

    • Darrel,

      It doesn’t sound like you’re having a good time with this girl. Not that a lady’s purpose is to make us happy or give us a good time, but if two people are not reciprocating in a relationship, it’s not much of a relationship.

      I’m sorry to hear about your situation man. It doesn’t sound like there is much there. I wouldn’t hold out for her, especially if she says “Don’t text me unless I text you first.”

      I encourage you to communicate with her, in person, about this. Don’t text her that you “Need to talk.” Wait till you’re in person. Tell her you want to see her more, go out, what you want things to look like. If her “vision” of a relationship with you isn’t even close to that, then you should end it. Tell her it sounds like it’s not going to work out.

      This will help you retain your dignity my man. Don’t drag your feet. Don’t walk away with your tail in between your legs.

      Let me know how it goes hefe,

      Todd

  66. Hi there Todd! I apologize if this is a long one.

    This girl and I have been dating on and off for about 7 months now. She is a few years younger than me, but is a grown woman who lives with her parents. We have a few things in common and everything was going great during the first couple months of dating, it was fun. We would maybe hang out once a week on a Saturday, since we both were in college and had weekends off.

    But then I began to notice that she could hang out ONLY if her mom dropped her off somewhere to hangout; which was usually at the library were we would hang out then walk around, talk, and get food. Her dad is very strict and controlling, and literally has control over our relationship. His controlling nature even got to the point where he and his wife got into an argument and she just left the household altogether. She has done so once in the past because of him, only this time she didn’t come back. Her mom was the only one who gave her freedom to basically live her life.

    After that we really couldn’t see each other for weeks, months it seemed, but we still talked when we could. Then as the new spring college semester started earlier this year, she one day asked if I wanted to hang out with her at school. I said sure, since that was the only way we could hang out. But then things started to get dull. I could only see her on her terms, only for like 3 hours a week, if that. And when we hung out when she wasn’t at class, I’d mostly be sitting around watching her do homework, or work on a project most of the time. This honestly annoyed me, but I just gave it a chance.

    And when her dad picked her up from school she just abruptly rushed off as if she was afraid of him. I even met him face to face once, but she didn’t introduce us, and looked at me as if she didn’t want me to say anything to him. So I didn’t, not to cause any problems. She also began to seem a little distant emotionally. She’s always been that way, with everyone as its her personality, but not like this.

    After that I backed off a little, and began working and just doing my own thing, living my life. We started spending less and less time together. And we couldn’t hangout whenever we wanted because of her dad. But then one day she asked if we could hang out again. I’d pick her up at her house and we’d just go eat and hang out. But then she’d say she could only stay out for 2-4 hours before her dad would call her, or she would make up some excuse that she had to go home early. Now it seemed like we would only spend time together for about 4 hours, once every two weeks or so, if that much!

    I also began to see that she was making virtually no effort to reach to me as she did before. We never verbally talk on the phone, only text, and when I do call her something comes up, usually something involving her dad. She is extremely emotionally distant and it irritates me. It felt as though she was putting no effort into the relationship, not as much as I was. It got to the point where she would flake out on me or blow me off on mutually set dates, just because her dad said so.

    And for her to hang out with me, she would have to lie and say she was going out with her female friend to the mall, and that this friend was picking her up (I actually didn’t know about this at the time). Sometimes he would even check to see if she was really going out with her friend to the mall, and really had to bring the friend and her brother along on our “dates”. The first time I didn’t want to decline as to not seem rude and selfish. But eventually they had to tag along all the time for us to hang out. After the second or third time, I had enough.

    She even told me once “When you come by the house text me first, because my dad might be watching and I don’t want him to see you picking me up”. Then I asked her, “Did you even ask your dad if you can go out today?” And she responded, “Yes, but he just doesn’t know that you are picking me up yet lol. But I still love you though!” At this point I’m just wow’ed and don’t even know how to properly respond without sounding like a rude and angry jerk, which I felt I had every right to be upset. She said she loved me, but not enough to talk to her dad about such things, or at least even try. I told her that I couldn’t make it and had something important to do.

    She eventually told me that her dad doesn’t want her seeing or dating anyone until she leaves the house, even though she’s grown. I understand her father’s concern, but I wish she would have told me this sooner, as things most likely would’ve gone a different route. We still tried to work things out. But eventually I just felt turned off, as she refuses to talk to him about it, and wont allow me to talk to him at all. She hasn’t even told him that she and I were dating, because she’s too afraid to, and feels she doesn’t have to.

    That’s when I recently stopped trying to spend time with her in person, and also began talking less and less to her on the phone. I refuse to sneak around in a relationship like that. I just haven’t been feeling like talking to her, and feel more alone in the relationship than I was before I was with her! Now whenever we do talk which might be every 3-5+ days literally, I’ll respond to her, but will have a “whatever” attitude to whatever she says. And she continues to give short, distant, and almost unintelligent responses. Even to the point where she repeats the same dull and robotic half-assed responses over and over. This makes me in turn act distant myself. At first it was just family issues effecting the relationship, now she herself is negatively affecting the relationship as she doesn’t even try to put in effort. This just doesn’t seem like a real relationship, now I know that it never was.

    I want to break it off completely. It seems that we are going our separate paths, and this no longer seems right. Its unfair to us both. But seeing as though we never spend time together in person (alone), rarely talk on the phone, and hardly communicate, I’m finding it difficult to do so in the appropriate manner. It might be weeks or months before we even see each other again in person alone, even though we live no more than 10-15 minutes away from each other.

    And other more mature and emotionally involved women who actually care now have my attention. Any advice? Thanks.

    • AP-

      You two are definitely in a tough spot. First, don’t play the game of giving her unconcerned responses. You guys need to talk. If she doesn’t want to talk, then yes, it’s not a relationship, you should break it off.

      But if you’re serious about this, and I know she doesn’t want to talk to her dad about it, then you should go talk to him about it. If he totally rejects your pure motives, and she is too, then it’s over. And it sounds like at this point it won’t be hard to end it.

      I’m sorry that it’s turned out this way man. Don’t burn bridges with her though. I’m not saying wait around for her–just end it well if her dad is not okay with you two dating and she has no energy to go for it either.

      Todd

      • Thanks Todd. Yeah I see what you mean. We talked and managed to mutually end things on a somewhat good note, as she is more focused on school and doing her thing; and I am more focused on my career, which will require me to travel lots. She would talk to me about simple things like school, work, and common hobbies & interests, but not about serious things such as how we could improve and progress with our relationship in the future. She actually didn’t consider me into our future whenever we did speak of such things and thought nothing of it, which somewhat alarmed me. Mostly she was concerned about her own future and goals, which is completely understandable. But that made me just seem like some sort of accessory or tag along, and seemed like she wasn’t ready for such a commitment and was just doing so to pass time. You know?

        I was willing to work with her at the start and mid-way into our relationship. But she doesn’t want anyone to talk to her father, as he is going through that divorce and is completely closed minded to her dating anyone while under his house and rules. Which is also understandable on his part, being a protective father and all. I don’t mean to sound rude or arrogant; but honestly even though it was fun at first, she just seems too sheltered and inexperienced for me. I felt that I had to move on after a period of time passed.

        She’ll still check up on me about once a week and text me, but this just doesn’t feel right to me at all. What do you think I should do about this? Thanks Todd!

  67. Hey I really need your help :(

    I have been dating my gf for a year and a half now, we are 16 and 18 and she wants to marry me so badly and go traveling and she thinks i feel the same, well i did when i told her we can but i dont feel the same way anymore, please help!!! :(

    • Jack–

      Don’t feel obligated to marry someone just b/c you told them you love them. It’s a huge decision to get married and travel together. Don’t feel bad that you don’t feel the same anymore.

      Even on the day of a wedding, if someone realizes they do not want to spend the rest of their life with someone, they better break it off. Better to do it now than a year into being married. That is what would be truly harmful.

      Todd

  68. Hi Todd,

    I just had to tell my girlfriend it’s not working out and it’s probably the end of the relationship. We’ve been together for about a year and a half and the main issue is that her parents are super religious and won’t let her stay over at my place or travel with me. (she’s 21, I’m 25) She also doesn’t drive so recently she’s been taking the bus here and I’ve had to drive her home, which is about an hours drive round trip. This started to wear me down and we really only saw each other twice a week for a few hours. Family and work gatherings were difficult because I’d have to go out of the way to pick her up and bring her home. There was also the fact that at some time in the future, unset, she would return to finish her degree, probably in September 2014, and it would be even more difficult for me to stay in a relationship with her far away.

    Right now I’m sitting her wondering if I did the right thing because the situation comes down to this: I love her and wanted to be with her more. And we tried, and all the solutions continued to wear me out. So now I’m facing life without her, and coming to realize that all I wanted was to be with her more. Rationally I think I did the right thing. Emotionally I’m not so sure.

    • Scott,

      I think you’re experiencing a lot of men have. We sometimes don’t realize what we had until we have lost it. It makes sense that you are feeling this way–you had someone in your life and now they are gone. This isn’t strange or abnormal.

      Long distance relationships are very challenging–I’ve had more than one and they all have ended. There are some upsides–it makes you much more purposeful when you talk on the phone/Skype. If you can’t have good conversation through those means without making out all the time, then you probably don’t have much of a relationship base.

      As for the religious component, you need to honor her and her parents by not asking her to spend the night. Yep, that is inconvenient for you driving, but if you want her, that wouldn’t have felt like an overwhelming burden, right?

      If you are changing your mind, you can of course pursue her again. She may be open to it, she may be pissed off/hurt. If you are willing to do the long distance thing, even in 2014, then ask yourself what you imagine the relationship looking like, and can you sustain that and make it work.

      Is your end goal marrying this young woman?

      Todd

  69. Hello todd !! :) thanks for the article and especially the comments section, you are amazing!! I am in a little trouble my self though and am seeking guidance..
    I have been dating my dream girl 5 months into college and it has been 1 an a half years now and all was wonderfull until we started talking about our past,( baaad idea) you see she was 21 and i was 18 at the time , i happened to be a virgin but she had been with around 10 (i know a few, one is in my course)other ppl which includes “friends with benefits” and one-nighters all with the bar life and kissing guys and stuff (yknow that phase) she was still in that phase when we first got together.) and bottom line is the jealousy seriously hurts me and tears away at my mental when I am bored or think about our future..
    We have been living in the same dorm for a year now and we are away for the summer for the second time (when it hurts the most) and i try alot of things to medicate my jealousy like meditation, pot, talking about it ( which only ends up making her feel bad about it obviously; which i hate but feels a little good in a guilty way), and just holding it all in as long as I can but I always imagine those other guys having nights of mystery and love with my love..
    About her; she is beautiful and smart and everything i want, definitely marriage material, and she really does love me to death, litteraly saying she would commit suicide if i leave..

    Its just i feel because i as a virgin I will mever get the image , scenarios and ideas of the guys she slept with out of my head and because of soo will either live unhappily un secrecy the rest of my life or waste 2-8 more years dwelling on it to finally move on? Or is it possible that a average man can live the next 60 years of his life with the same person while they have had more playing experience??? I feel if i dont end it i am wasting her time.

    I am going to fly to her (and her family) province in a couple o days then we are going back to the dorm I feel i gotta make a move fast before we enter mid session. I am so lost and feel imature but it is a real pain i am feeling.
    Also donno if it helps but when i started to get with her she was in a long distance relation ship , which she had cheated on with a fair amount of guys, and one time 3 months ino it she kissed another guy which she claimed was a test to see if she was finished with that kind of lifestyle? Wheres my test lol, but I am a real sympathetic guy andlet it slide, just like I am doing now with these break-up thoughts…
    Please HELP :) thank you so much

    • Wycliffe says:

      Alex

      My advice is drop this girl , drop her yesterday not today .You will have a miserable life because you will always see these guys in between you two. Please don’t imprison yourself , go get your own virgin . They are millions of great ladies who are still virgins out there. One more thing ,,if any of those guys meet her privately , what is the chance that she will refuse? Please forget about her . Looks to me like she gets guys to learn about women on her body. Dump her now , you have had your course , you finished , graduate .

    • Alex,

      Let me get some clarity–at the beginning of your relationship she was also dating someone else? And she tested herself by kissing another guy while you two were exclusive? Ouch. That’s not a good start. But maybe I misunderstood what you’re writing.

      I know this for certain, guys are much more bothered by a person’s sexual history than a woman is. A girl who is a virgin may not like the thought of her man not being a virgin, but then there’s a piece of a woman who also wants a man to be more experienced. It’s tough. I know the EXACT feeling you are feeling man. Really, you want to know as few details as possible about a person’s past. You don’t need to know the number of guys, what sex positions, or even who those guys are. I wouldn’t even want to know their names even if they lived on another continent. You might have a piece of you that wants to know, but don’t be tempted. Beyond knowing if someone is a virgin or not, it’s only going to kill you inside to know more details!

      BUT I do think a man can move beyond it and spend 60 years with someone. Once you’re married and sex has become normal, it’s going to fade more and more away as you realize that you’re her lover, and those guys are long gone.

      Let me ask you this, are you having trust issues?

      Thanks for writing Alex,
      Todd

  70. Hi Todd
    Thank you for developing this web site to help all of us share and solve our problems in a better way!! Thank you so much for taking your time to listen to my problem and extending your hand for help!!

    I have been dating this girl for four months. She is so adorable,loving,caring ….. I had the tym of my life. She gave me all the freedom i want but still cares. She is a kind of girl i have dreaming about. She is my soul mate truly!!

    But i very recently learned ( actually she told me) that she had lost one of her legs on an accident years before we met. I dint know this till she told me, this happened the first day we decided to have sex after three months of sweet dating.
    I am so sorry to say this, but i couldn’t do it . I tried to act everything is ok and i can accept everything as it is. We have had sex three times after that but i have never had a real sex ,i have not ejaculated (sry for being so bold). I act as if i am done and go to the bath room and throw away the empty condom.
    She is the best that i can find ,she is my soul mate and i have not cared this much to break up with my previous girl whom i dated for three years. This one is very sensitive…and i really don’t want her to feel that her problem will be an obstacle for her in the future to see some other guy…i don’t want her to feel every guy will run away when he knows abt her status..

    To tell you the truth Todd, I have accused my self for m,y decision i have tried to forget this sexual problem and just stick with her because we all don’t know what will happen tomorrow…

    So shall i tell her the truth ? How? Please please help me!!!!

    Thank you so much for your precious time!!!!

    • Evad,

      Sorry for the delay in replying. I wanted to get a woman and a man’s perspective on this first. My best friend is a Marriage and Family Therapist, and I really respect his opinion. You obviously hasn’t met him, and your and I’s interaction is merely online. So what I encourage you to do, you’ve got to do some seeking yourself of course.

      Having said that, man this is a tough spot man. You obviously care about her. And it sounds like at only 3 months in you haven’t crossed a threshold–let’s call it love–in your relationship where you just want to be intimate with her, regardless of her having both legs or not.

      Here’s what it “sounds” like you are dealing with: Guilt. I don’t have any advice on how to deal with guilt in this situation. Assuming this is very important to you, I encourage you to meet with a counselor one-on-one. They will be able to help you drill down to what the issue is pretty quickly (I think).

      I do have one question for you–what was the relationship like before you realized the loss (of her leg)?

      Take care my friend,

      Todd

      • Dear Todd,

        Thank you again for reading my status and really understanding the situation i am in!! You really do get me, now my every problem narrowed to guiltiness!!

        I loved her so much i still do , i have tried to convince my self that i will get used to her problem and go on. But this is just a reasoning. When i come to the reality i learned that its so impossible for me to be attracted sexually with her condition because i feel so sad for her ,i just cant do everything i wanted (i know u can understand)…and its something that u will face for the rest of ur life….if u decide to settle down with her..

        So i have decided to let her go but i am not sure how to tell her…i don’t want to tell her the truth, because it may affect her future dating and it may wash away her confidence and i really don want to see that…so should i just say its not working and i dont know why?…

        Todd coming to your question, i knew she had some problem on her leg because she kind of not walking normal..it is very visible…but i convinced my self that its ok to take this and we had an amazing time…we didn’t make love but we were so intimate with out it and it was not my concern (because i love her so much, hope u will understand)…but from the moment i learned she had one artificial leg and wn we got to bed and i felt her lost part …..man its so difficult for me to accept it….i know i am stupid for thinking like this but i just cant….

        Todd, I appreciate your effort to support me in every way you can and hope every one visiting this site will lend me a hand!!!

        THANK YOU sooooo much!!!!

        Bless you!

        • Evad,

          If you break up with her, I don’t think you should tell her it’s b/c of her leg either. I’m not sure of the best way to break it to her, and I’m not encouraging you to lie. I think you can be honest and say that you don’t see something long-term there, and you don’t want to lead her on. She will probably ask to know why, and you can tell her you did have feelings for her, and are attracted to her. But as time went on it died down for you and you don’t see your relationship becoming something more in the future. Tell her you don’t think it’s right to stay with someone if there’s not a future there.

          Having written all that, my one hesitation is I don’t encourage anyone to replicate my words or my thoughts. This situation is your own, and you need to find your own way to be honest and communicate to her why you are breaking up.

          Todd

  71. jame fami says:

    i have been dating for six years with my girl friend ,but right now she is angry with,at first like one week she was not picking my calls but now she is picking my calls but refused to see me in person,but i still love her so much just that the is some one behind her at the moment ,so i don,t know what to do?

    • Jame,
      6 years is a long time! You haven’t spoken at all in one week? That’s serious. She obvious is wanting some space to process, along with her anger.

      What do you mean that someone is behind her? Help me understand that a little more before I respond.
      Todd

  72. Hey Todd-

    Here is a tough one, I normally don’t post comments on these types of things but I saw you are very good about responding thoughtfully to posts so I thought I would give it a shot.

    My gf and I have been together almost 5 years. She has no family and not much money to fall back on. On the other hand she has been able to live really well due to being with me. If we break up I know it will devastate her, emotionally and financially. She will have to find her own place to live and her friends live halfway across the country. The thing is, I really do care for her and want her to be happy, it’s just that I don’t see us making the next step. A lot of that is due to her faults (which I wouldn’t mention to her) but there are also parts of me that just want to be free again and experience life on my own before I get too old (I’m 28 currently). I have too many doubts and reservations about getting more committed – marriage, kids, etc. I probably should have broken up with her a while back but always made excuses about it, but now I know it has to happen or I will only make things worse for myself and end up with a lifetime of regret. I’ve been thinking about ways to soften the blow, such as offering to support her move to the west coast where she can find some friends to stay with until she finds her footing.

    How would you approach that situation and what can I do to get myself through it without backing down?

    • Steve,

      You’ve been together 5 years and you haven’t had honest conversations about her “problems”? As long as it’s not physical appearance related, why not talk to her about them? If she were to fix them, would you change your mind and want to marry her and have kids with her?

      You’re 28, it’s time to grow up, not enter back into “commitment-free” zone. Don’t waste time partying. You don’t want to end up still have kids at 40 then you’re the old dad who can’t throw a football.

      Todd

  73. Hi Todd.

    I’ve been with my girlfriend for 6 months now. Things were fantastic, I was completely infatuated with her until late. However recently (perhaps the novelty has worn off) Im finding that we are different people with different standards.
    Before this relationship I was with a girl for 3 and a half years and I would say that for around a year I was having serious doubts. The consequences of the break up stopped me from addressing the issue, and now I’m worried that if I don’t act soon I’ll fall into the same trap.
    To make things more complicated, my current girlfriend suffers badly with separation anxiety from her parents. I feel she has made real progress tackling her anxiety through the days out we have shared together, the places we have been that she couldn’t have done on her own. What worries me is the fact that there’s a good chance that the progress she has made will be undone, and may even set her back further.
    Our relationship is long distance, with her situation I come to her on the train, and I am completely dependant on her for transport when I am visiting.
    I don’t really know what answers I’m after, it just helps writing it down, trying to get to grips with what I’m feeling. I’m lost in my own emotions, I don’t know what’s right, I’m so worried for her sake as she loves me, I know that prolonging the problem can only make it worse, but I’m just not sure about my decision and I can’t see that I ever will be unless things change.
    I’m sorry it’s such a drama.

    S.

    • Hey S.,

      Thanks for writing man. Romantic relationships are never a walk in the park.

      So what is the central issue for you here? Or is it both? (I know there’s always more than one).

      Is it the standards or the separation anxiety? Do those things make you want to break it off, or do you just want to break it off “just cuz”?

      I don’t know the severity of the things you refer to. If you just don’t want to date her anymore, then maybe you should break up. If it’s not that, you’re just worried about those other things, well then communicate about them and try to work through them more.

      Todd

  74. I really wanna express my self, but im sooo bad at english -__-

  75. Todd,

    What’s going on buddy. Looking for some direction here.

    Alright so I’ve been dating this girl on and off for around 5 years. She has cheated on me once maybe twice in the past. But that’s the past I guess…
    So this past year we’ve become not as close due to school in different states. She’s in a sorority so I know she out partying and at the bars. She said before she left she wants to work on things and get back to where we were. So I went with it. I just have this gut feeling that I shouldn’t be wasting my time with this gal anymore. My trouble is every time I attempt to cut things off, somehow we remain friends. What do you think?
    What’s my first move in ending this if shes 5 hours away. Is it the right choice?

    • Mark,

      Did she cheat on you once, or twice? There’s a big difference if she’s repeating her mistakes.

      5 years is a lot of investment man. I’m sure it’s hard to say goodbye, and if you broke up it would be easy and hard at the same to stay in touch and “be friends.”

      I’m only going off strictly the little you told me–cheated, party/bars, feeling like you’re wasting time…What is the upside? After 5 years do you want to wife her and make babies with her? If not, yeah, you are wasting your time. It doesn’t sound like a quality thing to be in–again I’m saying that with very little information and I don’t want to seem very coarse about a person I’ve never met.

      If she lives 5 hours away…when is the next time you’re seeing her? After 5 years, you owe her to do it in person, never over text or even a phone call. If you are not going to see her until the holidays, maybe do it over Skype. But man, 5 years. I think you should go see her in person within the next month.

      Todd

  76. Todd,

    I really need help. in quite a fix.

    I’ve been dating this girl for the past 7 months. I decided to date her after a really bad relationship earlier, where the girl slept with her ex. it was terrible to go through.
    When we started dating, initially it seemed perfect , then i realized that our “frequencies” didn’t quite match. I had to always scale down to explain things and break it down to her. which wasn’t the case in my previous “being cheated” on relationship.
    I’ve been rushed into things though, I’ve asked for time. she went about telling her mom. which i wasn’t comfortable about, as i wanted a little time to assess.
    Both my parents are pastors, and she being a catholic. i DOn’t think my parents would approve of her.
    I seem to have lost the passion i had for her once. I might need to end this. Which is really hard because she’s extremely sensitive.
    im lost , because i know I’m dragging it through.
    In need of good advise
    Thank you so very much for your blog, really gives insight.
    Andrew.

    • Hi Andrew,

      Sounds like a tough decision at hand. What is your hesitation, that she’s Catholic (considering your parents are pastors)? Or is it that you’re not really enjoying the same wavelengths?

      Todd

  77. Hi Todd,
    I have a serious relationship for 2 and a half years. For the last 3 months we are fighting ALL the time for small things, and I mean small. We already “saved” out relationship 3 times and now I it seems we are near the end (if not at the end already). Especially the last month, she become extremely aggressive towards me. She said to me two days ago that she can’t accept my aggressive and nervous personality anymore although I tried hard to improve (she actually said its not enough). So I asked if she wanted a break and she said yes. The first day I felt pretty terrible since I was thinking about the things we did together but on the second day I was able to think much clearer and I think (not sure) that I miss the life of the single. We talked on the phone (she sounded like nothing happened) and she told me to meet up tomorrow in order to talk about what we are going to do. I’m still not sure about what I am going to say to her, and to tell you the truth I am quite nervous about what she is going to say. Any guidelines and thoughts? I am sorry for the long text, please answer me as fast as possible.

    -G.

    • Hey G–

      I’ve been traveling the past few days and just got back on my computer. It’s tough to hear about your situation man. It’s a good sign–what you’ve processed and understood so far.

      Tell me what happened at your meet up. What was the conversation you had?

      Todd

  78. Hey Todd
    It is really interesting to see your page man after reading some of it i decided to give it a shot.
    ill wrap it up quickly so, i have been more like a backdoor man for the first 5 months (all physical relationship) she does so MANY things for me she thinks im perfect in every sort of way that exists. then i officially dated her for a month or two we had sex and i broke up after that. i mean i used to get a lot of rumors since the beginning and she is really close to her guy friends and whatever. i do have some proofs which makes me think
    she is on the verge of cheating. not exactly cheating. insecurity caught me on my 5th month btw.
    Now, todd here’s the twist.
    no communication for 1 month after the break up. Then, she told me she wanted to forget everything and just be with me. we started talking and all.. had sex again. now its like I mean i really get insecure for sometime. then i forget about it. i really have to complete my work and apply for a job and im confused for the moment. i do love her.she says she holds her integrity and she is loyal but i can never know for sure. man just give me an eye opener or an advice for some time please?

  79. I’m a 24 years old, and I’ve been dating the same girl for about 6.5 years starting at the end of high school and lasting through 4 years of college, a year off, and a year of grad school. We have had a great relationship, fights here and there, but not usually awful ones. In the past year or so however, I have had feelings of perhaps just not being into the relationship romantically, but this feeling came in waves and things would be fine again and I’d bury the thought, etc. This summer she moved to another state for grad school herself and so we have been having a long distance relationship. I had (like a coward) hoped that maybe her moving away would bring issues to the fore and begin a breakup conversation but that never happened. Being apart has made me examine our relationship more closely, and the truth of the matter is that after all this time, I love her as a best friend, but not so much a girlfriend.
    This has made me feel awful. She is a wonderful girl, but is struggling with school academically as well as feeling a bit lonely though she has made friends in her program. Other than those friends and me, we have a group of mutual friends from college. These last two lines are not strikes against her or anything, they merely contribute to me feeling terrible because I really am her one, best friend, and I do consider her mine. I really am feeling awful over the prospect of breaking her heart by breaking up with her. There are so many factors at work here that it’s making my decision even harder:

    I decided that I wanted to break up with her in maybe mid-October, but decided to wait until the next time I would see her in person to do it, which will be mid-December when she’s home for christmas break. Breaking up with her so close to Christmas seems cruel to me, but I know that I owe her more than breaking up via phone or webcam. I refuse to do that. It really tears me up inside however that she’ll be coming home all excited for break and I’ll be springing this on her, but I want to do it ASAP so I’m not faking it and leading her on during the break.
    As I said before, she is amazing and a really great girl, I just don’t think I feel the romantic connection to her anymore. And I know it isn’t a distance thing because I had these feelings before she left. I just hate feeling this way. I care so much about her that the thought of breaking up with her is extremely anxiety-provoking. I know there is no “good time” to break up with anyone, but I feel like my timing will be especially cruel.
    My other reason for doing it at the beginning of the christmas break is because (in the past) we’ve discussed hypothetical breakups and how we would want the other person to be accessible and help us through the breakup rather than the stereotypical “oh we’re broken up now so I’ll just immediately cut off all contact” way that people seem to do it sometimes [I totally understand why people would do it this way, but I just feel that, given the feelings I have for this girl, my desire to remain best friends, and our long and pretty much healthy relationship, this isn’t the way that I want to go about it].
    All in all, pretty terrible situation. Any thoughts?
    Thanks

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