Ever been dumped? Did it hurt? Or did the young lady break-up with you in a way that still made you feel honored and respected?
I think it’s right to expect that a woman know to break-up with a man the right way. Moreso, I think as men we would do well to do the same. That doesn’t mean someone won’t be angry, upset, or heartbroken. A person may still lash out and become embittered. It doesn’t matter. Don’t let circumstances dictate your character.
Letting things drag on with a girl is the #1 recipe to future hurt. Don’t run away from it. If you are avoiding a break-up now to avoid pain and discomfort, it will only make the situation worse.
At the root of all this is the wimpy nature of a lot of guys. People are people pleasers. They want to be liked. They hate facing tough, uncomfortable conversations. Don’t be one of those boys. Don’t be the young lad that needs to be liked so bad you avoid tough conversations that need to take place.
If you’ve determined it’s time to break-up with your lady, do it right. You cared about her enough to date her, at least put some thought into doing it the right way.
We asked some of our female readers what they thought. Here’s a sypnopsis of what they had to say:
1. Don’t lie
Be real, upfront, and honest.
Don’t throw her in a web of lies. If you just plain lost interest, tell her. It’s better for her than doing endless searching to figure it out. I’m not suggesting giving such specifics that she loaths herself for one mistake. Tell her the truth.
Unless it’s because you aren’t attracted to her anymore. Don’t tell her that. Horrible, horrible, mean idea.
As hard as it is to tell her you don’t want to be with her, never tell lies. We all know the truth comes out eventually and when it does, that will hurt her deeper than you can imagine. True, she may hate you for a while when you break-up, but she’ll get over it and respect you for being truthful and upfront. Please don’t be a contributing factor to her not trusting other men in the future. -Karen
2. Be gentle
When conversation is tense, toxic, emotional and extremely awkward, guys often respond in one of two ways: A) shutting down, B) getting angry. So if you’ve got to break it to her, say it gently. Even if you’re angry about a string of things she did. Your feelings may be 100% valid. Doesn’t matter. Be a better man and end it well. Don’t say stuff you’re going to regret later. Don’t say anything that you don’t want to be remembered for later.
3. Don’t say “It’s me, not you.”
She’ll actually hear that it’s her, not you.
I do think there is an appropriate time to tell this to a woman: when you’re a clinically certified asshole that doesn’t deserve her. If you don’t have your life in order and that’s affecting her as a person, it’s the right thing to break-up with her.
4. Don’t blame God
Never pin it on divine authority when breaking up with someone. I don’t blame God for other decisions I make. If I made a choice to date someone, I own it. If I think that was a mistake, it’s not God’s fault. Saying “It wasn’t meant to be” might make someone feel they are the victim of some cosmic puppet master.
Own your decisions. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
5. Don’t leave the door open
If you break it off, break it all the way off. There shouldn’t be a “thing” going on still between you two. -Stevie
If you’re asked, “Does this mean we’ll never have a chance again?” don’t leave the door open. Tell her it’s over. It’s a break-up. And if you end up realizing you blew it, it should be you trying to win her back. Not her sitting around wondering for 6 months if it’s really ended.
6. Don’t use a “break” as a set-up for the real break-up
What the hell does “taking a break” mean anyways? Oh God. I’ve initiated that and others have as well toward me. It is the most ambiguous, weird thing possible. If you want to work it out, don’t take a break. You’re pissed off-so you two don’t want to talk for a month? Alright. Your call. But silence rarely brings answers. The number one reason relationships fail is communication. So to lock yourself into no communication usually ends in you finding an answer: breaking up.
I’m not saying time off hasn’t helped people. I’m no expert. But if you are trying to work through things and it never works, try counseling. Don’t take a break, then huddle in your separate corners, and let time pass while her friends are tearing you apart in her ears.
7. Don’t wait for her to do it
The longer you drag it out the longer you are carrying her heart. -Adriana
Ever seen someone passively-yet intently-let things get bad enough so that the other person would break it off? I’ve been on the receiving end of that, and it sucks. Don’t be that person.
8. Don’t break-up over text, email or Facebook
If you’ve only been out on two or three dates, sure, tell her over a phonecall it’s not there for you. Other than that, do it in person.
Here is where it can get sticky…if it’s a long distance relationship. Should you buy a ticket and tell them in person? If you’re engaged or have been dating for years, I say yes. But that’s my unscientific opinion.
9. Pick the right place
Don’t do it over dinner in a restaurant. Or at a coffee shop. Make it a place where she can feel free to cry, act angry, and be honest. You might be breaking up with her because you’re mad about something. You need a place where you can be open and honest as well.
Dont ask me to dinner to dump me. I don’t want to cry in front of strangers while staring at seared ahi. Making a date out of a break-up is cruel and unusual punishment.
10. Don’t fear the tears
If the waterworks start, don’t flip-flop on your decision to break-up. If it was the right thing to break-up before she was crying, it’s still the right thing. Let her cry. It’s alright. Maybe you will too. If the relationship has major problems and you don’t want to be in it anymore, break it off. Otherwise you’re just stringing yourself along.
Don’t tell us what you think we want to hear, cuz it’s all gonna hurt anyway, no matter what gets said. Be clear. There’s nothing worse then not knowing where you stand with a guy, always wondering if there’s a chance in the future. A clean break heals faster.
If you’re uncertain if you should break-up…
Don’t dump someone just to avoid sticky situations. Don’t break-up with someone just because you hate communication and solving relational problems. You’re not the first man that’s uncertain whether tough times in a relationship means you should break-up, or if you just need to work it out. If you’re uncertain, and she’s obviously sensing it, tell her. Be honest and open. Work it out.
If you can’t work it out, then it’s time to break-up. If she’s so mad at you for not knowing exactly what you want when you’ve only been dating for 3 months, then that’s her thing. If you want to keep trying, do it. If she rage quits, then it’s on her.
The number one recurring theme that we heard from our lady readers was to not lie. Literally, they all wrote about us being honest and not lying. Take note: ladies want the truth. If you’re in a relationship that once was great, but it’s turned sour, it’s understandable if you’re uncertain. But there is nothing healthier than honesty. And that means being honest with yourself. If you know it’s time for it to be over, do it. Break-up. Spare yourself, and her, further pain.
Break-ups are never perfect. It’s impossible to do it 100% “the right way.” Relationships can be messy. The right way is to not run from a mess, but to take responsibility and walk through it.