What’s most important is picking yourself up and not wallowing in your sorrow. That doesn’t mean using bitterness to get over someone, but you must choose to move on. The next most important thing? You learn. If you keep getting dumped, sorry buddy, but it’s time for some tough love. If you keep getting dropped like a bad habit, it’s time to take stock because it’s probably you.
Dudes with hurt egos like to blame their trials on “crazy” chicks. I’m not saying that hasn’t happened, but if it keeps happening, you’re the crazy one. Either you’re blind to who you’re picking, or you’ve got some blind spots.
Here’s the problem: these cycles are self-reinforcing. Were you too distant/guarded in your last relationship? Well, if you got hurt this time you’re probably going to be even more guarded next time.
I don’t think you’re a bad guy-come ‘on, why would you be reading Fearless Men? It’s probably that you’re trapped in a cycle of bad decisions.
If you’re trying to figure out what got you dumped, see if the gents described below might be you.
Boredom
The doldrums of relationships are real. And if a girl is on an endless hunt for something new and exciting, you’re probably not “dangerous” enough to keep it rollin. But don’t feel bad, no one is. Except the guys that do have real, deep, jerk problems. Some women for, well, many reasons, want that. But you don’t want to be that guy anyways.
Where the real self-examination is needed is here: are you at least trying to breathe some new life and energy into the relationship? If you’re not making a decided effort, then I don’t blame her for being bored.
You’re role as a man isn’t to be an entertainer. But if you just stay in at night or only take her on movie dates or things you like to do, she’s gonna be bored with you my man.
Too Needy/Too Clingy
If she’s not needy and possessive (and I hope she’s not), it’s a lot easier to run the risk of you seeming needy and possessive. If she is needy and possessive, it’s easier to be viewed as disconnected.
Read the signs of reciprocation. If she isn’t texting you back, initiating texts or affection, you might be coming on too strong.
Too Jealous
If you get bent out of shape every time she talks to another dude, or are following up with her too much because she’s spending time with other people, you might be TOO jealous for her. If you’ve only been dating weeks or months, cut back on the jealousy man.
Trying too hard too soon OR Not trying hard enough
I sure do wish there was an algorithm to know when to make the extra effort or lay off the gas. The thin line between trying too hard and not trying hard enough. It seems to be the same distance between hopeless romantic and stalker level pursuit. Ultimately, it’s really based on where the woman’s feelings are currently for you. If she’s not that hot for you, trying to win her can work or backfire.
One female reader told me after a first date the nice guy sent her a dozen roses. It was a nice gesture, but freaked her out. If you’ve got something real big and special cooked up, maybe run it by another lady and see if it’s the right timing.
If you’re going all out and she’s not returning the effort, then maybe lay off the gas. She’ll either want you more or getting dumped will come sooner rather than later (which is a good thing).
If you find yourself avoiding her calls or rarely texting her back, don’t be surprised if you get dumped for not trying hard enough.
“I’ve broken it off with guys wanting to be too serious too soon,” (after a handful of dates). “I probably would have gone out on more dates with them had they been more casual with it.” -Ashley
You’re too nice
Does this sound familiar? You want to impress your girlfriend by being the nicest guy on the planet. You never complain, don’t argue, don’t share thoughts that are different from hers, you run from conflict and, god forbid, you ever say “No.”
Then, after she leaves your smiley, spineless, whimpering ass behind for another guy, you respond by going way overboard for the next girl you date. Consistently sending her flowers for no reason and giving her nightly backrubs. And that’s why you keep getting dumped.
I’m not suggesting you be a rude, cocky guido. Carry yourself with class, manners, and consideration. But don’t be a pushover. “Nice guys finish last” is a ludicrous proverb to me, but it didn’t come from nowhere. Grow a spine, respect yourself, don’t grovel, and you’ll be a little more likely to end up with a girl that works at it too – and a little less likely you’ll be getting dumped – again.
Lost Interest/Ran out of infatuation/Honeymoon is over
“Sometimes if she’s discovered she doesn’t believe it’s going to be there, she’s going to shut it down.” –Lesley
Sometimes your presence in a girl’s life as the new, exciting, attention-giver may make them feel valued and validated. Girls may lead guys on because they feel desired. They could feel obligated to go on with you simply because you gave them feelings of validation, so they drag it out even after they’ve lost interest and you no longer bring exciting feelings to them.
That’s a sad ending. And although relationships aren’t built on euphoria, if you’re not excited to be with someone or they’re not excited to be with you, you shouldn’t be together.
Chemistry – It isn’t what you, or she, thought it was
“All the things line up, attraction, chemistry, age, beliefs. But then the feelings aren’t where you want them to go. After you get to know them more, even though you thought the chemistry was there, but the personalities aren’t meshed as you thought.” -Michelle
Different Directions
You may have started dating young, in college, or even later. But sometimes couples discover they are going in such different directions they don’t want to be around for the ride.
If someone you’ve been dating a while suddenly realizes you’ve got different goals in life, that ship is probably gonna sail.
Getting Dumped Honorable Mention
Unrealistic expectations…one of you was looking for perfection.
It’s not you, it’s her. Sometimes man, the luck of the draw doesn’t work in your favor. Don’t kick yourself too hard if you picked one that wasn’t what you thought she was. Unless that keeps happening to you… Well, then you need to start picking differently. Maybe it’s not even you who should be getting dumped.
Constant criticism. Bad, unhealthy, disparaging, cutting communication will certainly murder a relationship ASAP.
Too physical too fast. If you ignite the passion button too fast, you’re going to get burned.
You don’t take responsibility. Women usually don’t want to date someone who’s a bump on the log. If you don’t challenge your lady to grow and become more of a person, and do that yourself, she’ll lose interest if she’s a woman of substance.
Feedback from Women
While getting feedback on why guys keep getting dumped, I asked about 12 different ladies their opinions (as well as several men). Rarely was one of the single reasons above a primary relationship killer. It typically was a combination of reasons. And ultimately, that led to lack of chemistry and the dying of feelings. Interest just puttered out.
Here’s one woman’s perspective:
“You probably got broken up with because she realized that her interests are different and chemistry just didn’t fit. If a relationship is a good fit it happens and the fire keeps burning. The passion grows because each individual is mutually committed to serving, loving and learning more about the other. As in they just can’t get enough. If they’ve had enough…. Well…You get dumped.” -Jenna
So if you’re into a girl, and you’re confident that you want it to move forward, be aware of the points above. Do your best to communicate, not make her feel forced, and enjoy the ride with no pressure on both of you. That’ll help you create a healthy environment for a relationship to grow, and hopefully, you’ll continue to have a rewarding relationship moving forward and not have to experience getting dumped again!
View Comments (33)
Yup, some of my relationships have ended for these very reasons. Usually there were problems in the relationship leading to this kind of stuff though. Like with my last ex I was bitter about how she was treating me. So that lead me to try very little in the relationship. Or the ones where you're extra jealous, a lot of the times it's because the girl actually does seem like she's cheating or at least being too flirty. As I look for Mrs. Right I'll have to keep all this stuff in mind. Thanks Todd.
I can relate to your response. In the past I was accused of acting "too jealous" but in the end my suspicions were correct. What's odd is my asking questions actually drove her further away from me. Which was painful, but ultimately, I think it caused things ending sooner than later. Thankfully.
And I think if we are resentful with how we are being treated, we can either retreat, or refuse to avoid conflict. Embracing the conflict will either bring healing and resolution, or end things. It's a tough pill to swallow, and it takes a brave soul, but both those ends are preferable to it dragging on.
I googled this topic sadly, because I am usually the one to do the dumping. In fact I am contemplating going on a date with a girl who's number I just got.
I've never met her, she's from the internet. All our interests match up and in the looks department I think things will be ok. Given that it's online dating however, it's very easy for things to not pan out.
My problem is that I do not tend to settle. I usually always end up doing the dumping because when the girl gets comfortable she often starts to become annoying or flaws show through.
I know this probably sounds conceited but I am a smart dude and I can figure people out pretty quickly.
I wouldn't quite say I'm a misanthropist, but I am frequently let down by the decisions people make and their reasoning. That goes for male and female.
I do realize that I have flaws and I am just as likely to get dumped for coming off as a jackass, but not usually. Generally when I'm comfortable and have the girl pegged I lose interest while they gain interest.
It never fails that I feel like a dick because I've went ahead like a polite gentleman, even though I have made up my mind. I'm not saying I lead a girl on but you have a finish a date right?
Just not calling is kind of rude too...I feel like it's hard to be a gentleman and dump a girl at the same time but then again, hurting someone's feelings happens every day for myraid of reasons so who cares right?
sound pretty stupid to me. you figured out anything about women yet, or people for that matter. Better invest in lots of movies as your going to be alone for a long time.
Diddy:
Sorry, you're not that smart.
Boy this on the mark, seventeen year ago difference, I TOLD her that I would entertain her if she kept me young and entertain I did but that ultimately led to too much attention which I would say leads to number nine. "no analysis of give and take"
To elaborate, I think that you have to keep the overpassion in check by constantly analysing the "push-pull" and give and take in the relationship. Also, if you let things go, even the little things she eventually WILL lose respect for you...could go on and on...
I do think you've got to strike the right balance and not come on too strong while dating. Now if you're married, I think you have to keep pulling even when she's not pushing.
Great stuff, gave me a pit in my stomach, but a direction to follow nevertheless. Gotta strike that balance. Oh and Todd, I've been reading some of your other stuff, again gives me a gameplan. While I have you, there was a really good blog that you recommended but I forgot, something like checked baggage?
If it was in the guest post "What Women Want Men To Know" then it is baggagereclaim.co.uk.
He & I became friends online & moved our friendship over to becoming friends on Facebook. We shared a great deal and the friendship grew quickly and naturally. It was wonderful! Eventually, he invited me to 'get away' one weekend & so I did. Two adults with the same mature approach and beliefs towards dating and relationships. I thought "Wow. This is just perfect." Yes. He & I both agreed we were 'done with dating games' and were interested in moving forward to see where this new friendship would lead. Or so I thought. I made all of the effort. I realize that is taboo but I did it anyway (my bad). I truly believed we were on the same page and on all levels. That is precisely what he wanted me to believe. I FOLLOWED MY HEART. Long story short. He wasn't as mature as I had been led to believe. Perhaps that is unfair. It may be that he was still obsessing over a past love. One he had assured was over (but in his heart, he wasn't over it at all). Regardless, long story short he lied to me. Yes. He had meaningless sex with someone else who was a very kind but also a big fat ugly woman and when I confronted him about it he could only hang his head in shame. He got caught. He said how much he cared for me...but no excuses could or would change what was done, that's just not right. He made his own choices. The consequence would [fortunately] be my choice. Now here's where I am dumbfounded, I'm an attractive woman, beautiful even. I am also intelligent, loving, compassionate, independent, easy going, adventurous &etc. I have much to offer in a mature relationship. I do however have self-respect, dignity & integrity and so I walked away from him. Literally. He is not truly ready for me. He needs to sort out whatever lingering ex-haunts are in his life. I 'broke up' with him, not because he is an awful person whose a total loser (he's not), rather because he's not at a place in his life (even though he said, with true conviction he was) where his desires for companionship and partnership are the same as mine. Perhaps one of you men can explain (or attempt to) what motivates a man to behave in such a way?
Dear Puzzle,
If he cheated on you, he's a loser. Not that he always was one, or always will be one. But that trust is broken, move on from this guy. Forgive him, of course.
It sounds like you're not overwhelmed with resentment, which is great. But if he keeps coming back hard, you yourself have pointed out he's not ready for a relationship and he's not mature. He won't become mature overnight. Not even in six months will he suddenly grow up. Move on.
As for what motivates a man to act in such a way, I'm certain it's both simple and complex. Why do women act in such a way? There are similarities, but also differences in what drive men and women to cheat emotionally, sexually, relationally. I don't know much about him so I think I would be presumptuous to state what was motivating him.
-Todd
Dear Todd,
Thank you very much for your time and honesty.
I have just completed reading the book "Men In Love: Men's Sexual Fantasies: The Triumph of Love Over Rage" by Nancy Friday. ~AMAZING!~ and Sexy Hot :D
I will DEFINITELY be studying her other works!
Through her journey towards understanding the male psyche, she has brought amazing insight into some areas of my own life where I need to dissect through a few lingering self-imposed limitations as well as those of parents and society in which to nurture and grow a healthier perspective on my own sexuality in cooperation with a future partner.
Thankfully, from the fantasies and psychological evaluations, I realized that I have already come along way and my perspective, desire &etc are, for the most part :) pretty healthy.
It's true, I am hurt by the choices my Ex-Lover made, but I don't judge him for exercising his own free will. The very real truth is that in allowing him to be himself, I learned more about him and where I actually stood in his world. I had prayed to learn the truth & the truth was shown clearly. There is no need to be resentful or bitter. What he chose was right for him. Knowing the truth, I was able to decide for myself what would be right for me. He has phoned me and where I was not interested in discussing anything of those past events, he repeatedly brought it up and made excuses. I reassured him that I had forgiven him and expressed there was entirely no need to do such a thing and that what was done, is in fact done and in the past. I'm moving forward and all the wiser from the experience. No hard feelings.
I agree with you, YES women do the same AND the reasons may very well have been simple and yet complex.
Thank you for your reassurance.
Respectfully,
Puzzle
PS: In all fairness I must add that he did not "Cheat" on me. We were not "Exclusive" per se. In this particular situation, HE voluntarily shared a story in which HE emphatically denied any sexual activity. I did not invite him or pressure him to explain a thing. He did of his own volition. (Perhaps HE felt guilt and shame within himself because of his own choices).
I am hurt that he felt so obliged to lie to me about it. It is very much a "TRUST" issue and nothing more or less, to my way of thinking. A healthy, mature relationship cannot sustain without trust.
*Side Note: if he is attracted to obese ugly women, I am certainly no one to judge. Some people are and that is just fine. I am not that and so I would never fill that desire for him any more than he could fill my own desires in an openly honest relationship. This is not intended to be a dig at all. I am being most sincere.
I have no regrets. Everything happens for a reason. I'm glad I learned early on rather than later on ;)
A lady friend of mine suggested I read a book (written for women) "He's Just Not That Into You." Yeah, it's connected to a movie and a TV show, and I don't agree with half of the advice. But I do like that it's brutal honesty for women from a man's (and a female co-author) perspective. Sometimes I skim through women's advice columns on dating (directed to women) and it's obvious these women are just guessing in the dark.
In fact, that same friend is encouraging me to start a site for women, on dating, by a man. What do you think??
IN CONCLUSION:
[Please consider the source ~Puzzle~ who is just now crawling out from under her own rock of being alone (I didn't 'put myself out there' for years) and is presently exploring 'dating' possibilities in an entirely liberated fashion.]
In keeping within the content of this article, as a woman and just as someone who has 'dumped' and 'been dumped', I'd have to add to the mix of 'reasons' why people get dumped...is simply that they just aren't clear from the beginning on what it is they're looking for in the first place. Many people easily put the needs of others above their own.
If you aren't clear on what it is that YOU are looking for, YOUR own hearts truest desires...how could you possibly expect to find anything of value that will last?
Please consider a handful of qualities that are most significant to YOU.
Be more selective in the relationships you develop from there and in togetherness.
It's interesting you bring this point up. I think that is the strength of dating websites--people say what they are looking for straight up front. In your typical dating world, it seems--and I have no data to back up the veracity of my claim--that the people that say exactly what they are looking for up front are the ones that have been burnt in the past.
I think it is wise to do what you say though!
Dear Todd,
Yes, on a 'dating' website, that would be expected (I imagine).
I don't have any online 'dating' accounts, but am familiar with them.
My Ex-Lover 'observed' me over the course of several weeks/months as we cooperatively worked together in an online MMORPG.
(Though I was clueless to that until he confessed it to me later)
I was a higher ranking officer with a lot of friends in the game who are either married, in a relationship or very young. I don't go to the game to 'date'. I don't 'put myself out there' and do not assume anyone would be interested in me as anything other than a teammate. Besides which, my mind is typically on the task at hand to lead or be a part of fleet operations. Yes, there is harmless and fun flirting but it's all in good humor and for laughs.
It truly is all good fun :D
He pursued me from there. That's how we first became friends.
More to the point: I agree with you completely, no matter if it's online dating websites or in any other form of communication, very important to "DO WHAT YOU SAY".
Valuable lesson learned: Actions speak louder than words.
I will be more careful in the future NOT to allow words to lead me, rather let the actions speak for themselves. He sure did pursue me, but then I made all the efforts. That's no good and only have myself to blame for that lunacy. I simply abhor 'dating games'.
Hence, the reason I haven't 'put myself out there'.
At this time, I'd rather have fun playing the MMORPG (when I can) and have great laughs with my friends there.
Some have become like family to me over time.
Genuine, true friends ;)
Okay, Puzzle Play Time!
Respectfully,
Puzzle
here's the problem that remains, as i see it:
1) any man that pays attention in this world already knows being needy and coming on too strong are fast ways to end his chances with a girl. it's talked about everywhere, and it's drilled into us.
2) girls are culturally primed to "avoid needy men", because they are more aware of the bazillions of web articles about dating than men are (even the millions of articles that are directed AT men). So women are aware of #1 above as much as men are, if not more. And overall that's a good thing, because there are lots of really needy guys out there, and there is such a thing as coming on too strong. That SHOULD be avoided, for obvious reasons. But this fixation on neediness and clingy behavior, and avoiding it, has had another, more unfortunate consequence on our culture....
3) women have their "neediness gauges" set to a ridiculously high degree these days, more because the concept of neediness is being discussed constantly, all around them, not so much because men are more needy than ever or something like that. So what's the result of all these hyper-sensitive neediness alarms?...
4) good men are being judged as needy, due to reflex reactions and misinterpretations of the things they say and do. If the article above is correct, then men have to guard against BOTH trying too hard, AND not trying hard enough. The few sentences that the author devoted to this delicate balance cannot express how mindbogglingly difficult it is for a decent man to find the proper middle. if a guy really likes a girl (in the early going, I mean), the girl will never know how painstaking it is for the guy to figure out a way to show the "right" amount of interest without going overboard. It can be the mother of all mind-f*cks, seriously, because most decent, non-needy men have at least once been dumped for giving off a needy vibe. Why did they give off this vibe? From their perspective, they probably noticed the girl doing something on the second date that suggested that she really liked where things are heading...so the man then thinks "no reason to be distant from her, she seems to agree that we're past the bs-push'n'pull-game-playing phase", and decides to call or text a little more than once or twice a week. I'm not talking about jumping up to calls/text every day - THAT would be too needy, without a doubt! But even a little bump-up in interest shown can be enough to send the girl running....but does that mean that the guy truly acted in a need way? I say no. In a good amount of cases, it was they hyper-sensitivity that was the main problem. But unfortunately, that never gets challenged or even talked about in our society....Instead, the man gets branded with a scarlet letter "N" for neediness, and it's a crime that he can't really contest or even ask questions about (if he denies that he acted in a needy way, he is then seen as even more needy). What's a decent guy to do?
I would sincerely welcome everyone's thoughts on the issue - and I hope everyone can try to see this issue from both sides of the fence.
Dear Sir,
I'm intrigued at your articulate breakdown on 'Neediness'.
In my experiences through life, it's not at all gender specific.
The reality is that we each have needs unique to ourself and yet, not altogether so mysterious.
Personally, I believe that most people in our society use the word 'neediness' in a way that makes it seem derogatory or some kind of weakness, when in fact, selflessly meeting the needs of another while having your needs met can be so rewarding and beautiful.
As a hobby, I study astrology (both Western & Eastern). I see in my studies and with the practical observation of my family, friends and loved ones, there are characteristics of each sign that do in fact resonate strongly. The reason I mention this is because if you know the true nature of an individual, the measure of their own individual 'neediness' becomes apparent.
Some people DO need more attention to know they are truly loved and some need more independence so they don't feel suffocated. It really does depend on the individual, but isn't such a big mystery.
In cooperation with that, there is a wonderful book called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, I believe it should be taught to every high school senior because it is such a quintessential part of being human.
As I read and re-read this book I become more aware of my own personal 'needs' in a healthy, mature, loving relationship AND helps me to identify if my future partner/companion naturally offers a love to me in a way that I understand (& vice verse).
I definitely vouch for The 5 Love Languages as well. Teaching high schoolers this will help them in all relationship areas of life--family, marriage, friendship, work, and of course help them better understand themselves.
i was dating this girl for about two months...then later she went for a birthday,,,came back suddenly things changed telling me she has no feelings,,,she can't continue with me,,while when she got back from the birthday party we spoke on skype we made plans ,,,following day we met by her place ,she ended up the relationship...Todd Mayfield what can be the problem and what should i do about it?
Hi Kalem,
Sorry to hear about your disappointment man.
Did you ask her what's wrong?
In the meantime, don't come off as whiney, too eager, or like you're going to chase her down.
Todd
she said has no feelings about me....but i suspect at the birthday she met someone...so what should i do?move on or i request for explanations
i meant she has no for me
feelings