What Women Want Men To Know

what women want men to knowA few months ago I asked women on Facebook about “what women want men to know.” I got more responses then I could compile and write about, so I condensed them into 5 Thoughts Women Wish Men Knew. If you scroll down to the comments of that page one woman, Alex, had an enormous amount of insightful help to share with men.

Her thoughts were so good I decided to ask Alex to write even more for us. After compiling all of it together, we’ve got our latest guest post. If you’re interested in writing a guest post, I’ll let you know that nearly half of our readers are women. (What does that say about the state of decay of manhood?) So if you’re a lady-or a man-reading this, I welcome you to take a look at our Guest Posting page for more information if you want to find a way to be a part.

From Alex: As a woman, here’s what I think women want men to know:

#1-Listen, really listen.

In your post on Thoughts Women Wish Men Knew, you told men to listen because women like to “vent.” I agree. Unfortunately, men like to blather on about themselves ad nauseam…and they enjoy an enraptured audience but never ask any questions about the woman who’s just patiently listened about the minutiae of their lives.

Communication is a two-way street. It’s a shared experience of mutual give and take. If a guy is interested in a woman it stands to reason he should be curious about her life too.

Read more insight on the Art of Communicating in a relationship.

#2-Chivalry, if not dead, is on life support.

I noticed older men used to be better about opening doors and walk street-side but the last few years I’ve seen these little things disappear. A woman of substance is going to notice. She may not say anything, but it’s such a small gesture that comes with big dividends. Wish men of all ages would practice this more.

Learn how to Make Her Feel Special, Everyday.

#3-Be Confident!

Yes, absolutely. Too many guys fall into the trap however of “It’s my way or the highway” attitude. Make a decision but consider her feelings and pay attention if you’re always doing what pleases you, and never considering her interests or likes. It’s really what women want men to know!

Learn to be Confident and Grow Fearless.

#4-On Emotional Women

I’m actually a rare breed of woman and not overly emotional–I got the rational gene but being friends with emotional women has taught me to let them cry or carry one even when you’re not entirely sure what bee stung her ass. If she’s too emotional though…be wary.

Become an Active Listener. Women and others, will appreciate it.

#5-Foot The Bill

I’m probably going to take some guff off this remark but I have to toss it out there…pay for the dates (at least in the courting phase). As a woman whose spent the last decade doing dutch or paying for dinner and drinks because if I don’t then we’ll never go out anywhere, it really hits an odd nerve. My friends and I don’t nickel and dime each other so why should a potential partner?

I’m not even remotely suggesting that men should wine and dine or spend more than they can afford. I’m also not suggesting that the woman shouldn’t contribute. It’s been my unfortunate experience though for too long with grown men that should know better that if you expect my time, emotions, body and respect the least you can do is take me out to dinner once a month to somewhere fun but not costly. Again, men don’t seem to mind me ponying up when the check comes so why shouldn’t they reciprocate? It doesn’t lend itself to romantic feeling and eventually you lose the girl with only a few extra bucks in your wallet.

Here’s some First Date Tips that will definitely help a rookie out.

#6-On Doghouse Flowers

Flowers are appreciated. I love them! Doghouse flowers are not so desirable. If every time you hit a rough patch with your woman and you show up with flowers…it starts to be off-putting. Besides, I’d rather receive flowers just because, then have a reminder of our fight or disagreement. Say whatever it is with actions not rose petals.

*Don’t get your woman a bouquet and only let her take one flower home while you keep the rest at your place. This happened to me a few months ago and I’m still scratching my head.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever been dumped, but this might help you figure out why: 8 Reasons Why You Keep Getting Dumped.

#7-Don’t Ask Her to Perform a Professional Service

Do not ask her to perform a professional service (i.e. if she’s an attorney — ask for free legal advice) until you’re well into a serious relationship. I’ve been hit up to do what I’m paid to do by men who think because we’re dating they’re entitled for me to work for free.

#8-Too Much Lovin’

Do not inundate her with non-stop daily emails, texts, voice mails, etc. Maintain control!

You’ve got to read this: What Women Want From Men.

#9-Considering Her Point of View and Self-Reflection

If you’re unsure about something, take a moment and try to consider it from her point of view. Women and men are different but we’re still human beings. Always reacting strictly from your point of view is limiting and lazy. Self-reflection for both sexes goes a long way.

#10-The Golden Rule

Treat women the way you want to be treated. If you want her to listen, then listen to her. You want her respect, treat her with respect. You want her to make time for you, then make time for her and in a way that will make her look forward to seeing you more, not less.

Some of these belong on some of your other articles, “Make Her Feel Special,” “Getting Dumped,” etc. but I just thought I’d offer the female perspective.

Hey, this is Todd again. In response to her candid thoughts on more things women want men to know, I asked her for more specific insight on some of the numbered thoughts above. So here you’ll see her response that expounds on those points.

Number 4 – Emotional Women

To answer #4 i.e. emotional women, I would say there’s a line between a guy being a shoulder to lean (or cry) on and being an emotional air bag or Kleenex crux. Pay attention to when she emotes. Is it at home? Over the phone? Is it connected to something real and tangible? If she’s seeking attention or is just a Drama Queen, her emotions may be out of sync with what’s really happening — Red Flag Alert.

If she’s just a little down or blue but it has nothing to do with you or the relationship then offer some kind words but don’t try too hard to change her state of being either. Another big clue is how you feel after being around moody or overly emotional women (men too). If you feel drained and down yourself, chances are this is a toxic personality or you’re Florencing the emotionally unstable. Run!

Number 8 – The Right Amount of Lovin’

#8 – The guy is inundated w/ emails, texts, calls from the girl: This is tricky as I have failed miserably when it’s the other way. In the beginning, the attention is flattering but it can be a signal that this person is needy or seeking narcissistic supply, etc. I operate from the “If it costs you nothing” respond mentality in that if I can send a quick reply/response without it interfering with my work or day then I do…but if they continue to keep on then let them know gently but firmly that you have to concentrate and focus on work or whatever but you look forward to seeing them soon. Pay attention to what they are sending too. Is it all about them? Do they take an interest in you?

Another warning flag is the mode of communication. Is it strictly email/IM’s/texts? Yes, we live in a technological era but these methods should not replace talking on the phone and seeing someone in person. I’m a writer so it’s tempting to rely on email/texts but it is really lazy communication and so easy to misinterpret. I’ve seen both sexes scrutinize a text or email like they’re trying to solve a physics equation. Sometimes a text is just a text. If someone, be it a guy or a gal, only wants to communicate on a keypad/board, you might be in trouble down the road. Keep it personal ladies & gents.

Number 10 – What Women Want Men To Know On How To Treat Your Lady

#10: Hmmm…gotta say that most of your articles cover this so I’m not sure what more to add…but here are some of my personal thoughts hard won by experience.

UNIQUE:

Every relationship/date/meeting is and should be treated like it’s unique. I’m not sure if internet dating is to blame but I’ve run across too many men with a disposable attitude. Never forget women are human beings…we’re not from Venus and we’re not these inexplicable creatures. Every person regardless of gender is special and should be treated as such. Humanely. Do practice good judgment about the quality of people in your life.

BAD ADVICE:

Don’t follow the nasty advice found on SoSuave.com and similar sites that degrade women and promote selfishness. Not to be corny but since this is a refreshing, God-centered site, I’ll suggest if you’re unsure of how to act or what to do in the company of women, think of someone you admire greatly that acts (so far as you know) with integrity and model what you think they would do. Aim higher rather than trying to get away with doing as little as possible. Be a man that people admire and practice compassion and humility.

KINDNESS:

Be kind. Not the same as being “a nice guy.” Kindness and thoughtfulness tend to go hand in hand and is sorely lacking nowadays. If you listen, appreciate your woman (or man as this all goes both ways) and act with integrity and respect then you’ll attract like-minded people. And if you don’t at first do NOT become embittered or assume the worst.

RESPONSIBILITY:

Take responsibility for your actions and life. This one is something I’ve recently learned to pay attention to and it speaks volumes. If you’re operating from a victim mentality or blame everyone else before taking your own inventory, you’re not learning, growing and experiencing lessons.

Yes, unfortunate things beyond our control do happen, such is life, but we are in control of our actions. Don’t be the guy that says “all my exes are crazy.” Really? If that’s true (and that’s a mighty big IF) it says more about you in choosing them, especially if you married ones of these “crazy kooks.” I doubt that’s the case and it’s a dismissive, lazy way of foisting blame on someone else. Be specific and acknowledge your part in the dynamic even if it did amount to “crazy-making.” Own your end no matter how uncomfortable it is and account for it. You’re less likely to repeat the same mistakes or keep choosing “crazy” partners in the long run.

*If you’re with someone who labels all their exes as crazy, be wary. Ask questions. Listen actively. If they still can’t come up with any blame on their part just know that one day they’ll label you as “crazy” and won’t take any ownership in the relationship. Not healthy!

GENEROSITY:

This goes beyond money. It’s a spirit of being. Be someone who enjoys giving, that can be your time, your experiences, your personal strengths, whatever but give. Do not give with the expectation of return. Take pride in treating someone to something that leaves them in a better state then when you found them. It becomes tricky because you don’t want to keep tabs but do pay attention if the relationship is one-sided. If you’re the one doing all the giving and the other party is happy to just take, then cool it and see if they reciprocate. You will know in your gut if this is true because you will feel devalued or under-appreciated so take care not to be used either. It should feel good to give, not an unnecessary burden.

My Final Thoughts On What Women Want Men To Know

These are just some yardsticks I use when sizing up a potential man/partner. I think the most important aspect is how a person makes you feel.

These are some questions I ask myself:

  • Do they enrich your life or drain it?
  • Do they make you look forward to another day with them or do you feel insecure?
  • Do you trust this person with your life or do you feel uncertain about their intentions?
  • Are you a better person around them or aspire to be so?
  • Do they have your back and do you have theirs? Do you share the same values/beliefs?
  • Does this person “get you” in that they recognize how special and unique an individual you are (warts and all)?
  • Are you settling, managing down your expectations or just killing time to “have” someone?
  • Do you have to be a completely different person just to be in their presence?
  • Is this person someone that you would consider a friend if it wasn’t romantic?
  • Do you truly believe you are worthy of love, care and respect?

If not, you’ll attract people who fulfill your beliefs. Do you honor/acknowledge boundaries and support each other? Do you feel cherished and confident when you’re with them? Are you grateful that the twists and turns in life, regrets, past experiences, etc. have led you to them? Are you filled up or yearning for more? Are you being realistic or idealistic? If the world was to come to an end and you had only a few scant hours to spend with someone, would they be at the top of your list and would you be on theirs? Are they willing to risk losing you because they are unwilling to compromise? And finally…Are you enough…today, in this moment, are you enough for them?

Clearly, these questions come as relationships progress. Some of these should be in your head during and after the Pink Phase (honeymoon courtship) but it does take a while to see how a person “unfolds.” I must give credit where credit is due to Natalie Lue of BaggageReclaim.co.uk I’ve learned oodles from her sage advice and have seen an immediate and positive impact in my relationships (romantic/professional/platonic).

Your site is a wonderful counterbalance to hers and I enjoy it immensely. Many thanks!

This is a guest post by a Fearless Men reader, Alex. The most popular posts on our site are the ones that we’ve received feedback from women on. And to have Alex compile something with such sound insight for men is an honor. Thanks Alex for sharing your thoughts on what women want men to know!

[Featured Image by http://www.flickr.com/photos/danielavladimirova/]
About Todd Mayfield

He's a lover, not a fighter. But he's also a fighter, so don't get any ideas.

He works for a series of private schools to advance innovative education to combat ballooning classroom sizes and challenge the status quo of the current public and private education format.

Comments

  1. I’ll go ahead and disagree with a few of these 🙂
    Specifically, chivalry and bill splitting. Regarding chivalry, consider it a subset of kindness and thoughtfulness, not “I must do these things because I’m male.” I’m going to hold doors open for you as well. I’m also going to walk on both sides of the sidewalk. I got in a big debate with a friend who wouldn’t let me do so. Granted, he grew up in a country where it was truly a safety thing, but in NZ it definitely wasn’t.
    Regarding bill splitting… I can see Alex’s point about it being an indicator of commitment/interest, but remember that the guys you are dating are feeling exactly the same way – they’re likely sick of women getting a free date and never being seen from again. I’m firmly in the split it, or let ME pay for it camp. Haven’t dated in awhile, since the wedding thing ;-), but doing so usually weeds out those with paternalistic attitudes quite quickly.

    • Interesting response to Alex’s thoughts. As for the paying for the date, or at least the first, I could never allow myself to NOT pay. Out of sheer embarrassment. It sounds like you can appreciate how expensive dating is for a man :).

  2. Active listening in any situation that involves more than one person is a great skill. Asking salient questions shows others that you’re doing your part.

  3. Even though, like Anne, I’ve crossed over to the marriage side of the force, I will toss in my two cents and say that listening is a big part of both dating and marriage.

    Sometimes my wife likes to blow off steam after a tough day in the trenches, and talk about people who I only vaguely know, at best; I still pay attention. I may think she is going on a little too long sometimes, but who better to tell than me?

    It would be an egregious (my word of the day) mistake not to.

  4. Terrific write up Todd. Very thorough, and I like how you balance the gap between holding a traditional masculine attitude without veering into misogyny, something very needed in our niche.

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