Ever been dumped? Did it hurt? Or did the young lady break-up with you in a way that still made you feel honored and respected?
I think it’s right to expect that a woman know to break-up with a man the right way. Moreso, I think as men we would do well to do the same. That doesn’t mean someone won’t be angry, upset, or heartbroken. A person may still lash out and become embittered. It doesn’t matter. Don’t let circumstances dictate your character.
Letting things drag on with a girl is the #1 recipe to future hurt. Don’t run away from it. If you are avoiding a break-up now to avoid pain and discomfort, it will only make the situation worse.
At the root of all this is the wimpy nature of a lot of guys. People are people pleasers. They want to be liked. They hate facing tough, uncomfortable conversations. Don’t be one of those boys. Don’t be the young lad that needs to be liked so bad you avoid tough conversations that need to take place.
If you’ve determined it’s time to break-up with your lady, do it right. You cared about her enough to date her, at least put some thought into doing it the right way.
We asked some of our female readers what they thought. Here’s a sypnopsis of what they had to say:
1. Don’t lie
Be real, upfront, and honest.
Don’t throw her in a web of lies. If you just plain lost interest, tell her. It’s better for her than doing endless searching to figure it out. I’m not suggesting giving such specifics that she loaths herself for one mistake. Tell her the truth.
Unless it’s because you aren’t attracted to her anymore. Don’t tell her that. Horrible, horrible, mean idea.
As hard as it is to tell her you don’t want to be with her, never tell lies. We all know the truth comes out eventually and when it does, that will hurt her deeper than you can imagine. True, she may hate you for a while when you break-up, but she’ll get over it and respect you for being truthful and upfront. Please don’t be a contributing factor to her not trusting other men in the future. -Karen
2. Be gentle
When conversation is tense, toxic, emotional and extremely awkward, guys often respond in one of two ways: A) shutting down, B) getting angry. So if you’ve got to break it to her, say it gently. Even if you’re angry about a string of things she did. Your feelings may be 100% valid. Doesn’t matter. Be a better man and end it well. Don’t say stuff you’re going to regret later. Don’t say anything that you don’t want to be remembered for later.
3. Don’t say “It’s me, not you.”
She’ll actually hear that it’s her, not you.
I do think there is an appropriate time to tell this to a woman: when you’re a clinically certified asshole that doesn’t deserve her. If you don’t have your life in order and that’s affecting her as a person, it’s the right thing to break-up with her.
4. Don’t blame God
Never pin it on divine authority when breaking up with someone. I don’t blame God for other decisions I make. If I made a choice to date someone, I own it. If I think that was a mistake, it’s not God’s fault. Saying “It wasn’t meant to be” might make someone feel they are the victim of some cosmic puppet master.
Own your decisions. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
5. Don’t leave the door open
If you break it off, break it all the way off. There shouldn’t be a “thing” going on still between you two. -Stevie
If you’re asked, “Does this mean we’ll never have a chance again?” don’t leave the door open. Tell her it’s over. It’s a break-up. And if you end up realizing you blew it, it should be you trying to win her back. Not her sitting around wondering for 6 months if it’s really ended.
6. Don’t use a “break” as a set-up for the real break-up
What the hell does “taking a break” mean anyways? Oh God. I’ve initiated that and others have as well toward me. It is the most ambiguous, weird thing possible. If you want to work it out, don’t take a break. You’re pissed off-so you two don’t want to talk for a month? Alright. Your call. But silence rarely brings answers. The number one reason relationships fail is communication. So to lock yourself into no communication usually ends in you finding an answer: breaking up.
I’m not saying time off hasn’t helped people. I’m no expert. But if you are trying to work through things and it never works, try counseling. Don’t take a break, then huddle in your separate corners, and let time pass while her friends are tearing you apart in her ears.
7. Don’t wait for her to do it
The longer you drag it out the longer you are carrying her heart. -Adriana
Ever seen someone passively-yet intently-let things get bad enough so that the other person would break it off? I’ve been on the receiving end of that, and it sucks. Don’t be that person.
8. Don’t break-up over text, email or Facebook
If you’ve only been out on two or three dates, sure, tell her over a phonecall it’s not there for you. Other than that, do it in person.
Here is where it can get sticky…if it’s a long distance relationship. Should you buy a ticket and tell them in person? If you’re engaged or have been dating for years, I say yes. But that’s my unscientific opinion.
9. Pick the right place
Don’t do it over dinner in a restaurant. Or at a coffee shop. Make it a place where she can feel free to cry, act angry, and be honest. You might be breaking up with her because you’re mad about something. You need a place where you can be open and honest as well.
Dont ask me to dinner to dump me. I don’t want to cry in front of strangers while staring at seared ahi. Making a date out of a break-up is cruel and unusual punishment.
-Michelle
10. Don’t fear the tears
If the waterworks start, don’t flip-flop on your decision to break-up. If it was the right thing to break-up before she was crying, it’s still the right thing. Let her cry. It’s alright. Maybe you will too. If the relationship has major problems and you don’t want to be in it anymore, break it off. Otherwise you’re just stringing yourself along.
Don’t tell us what you think we want to hear, cuz it’s all gonna hurt anyway, no matter what gets said. Be clear. There’s nothing worse then not knowing where you stand with a guy, always wondering if there’s a chance in the future. A clean break heals faster.
-Charlie
If you’re uncertain if you should break-up…
Don’t dump someone just to avoid sticky situations. Don’t break-up with someone just because you hate communication and solving relational problems. You’re not the first man that’s uncertain whether tough times in a relationship means you should break-up, or if you just need to work it out. If you’re uncertain, and she’s obviously sensing it, tell her. Be honest and open. Work it out.
If you can’t work it out, then it’s time to break-up. If she’s so mad at you for not knowing exactly what you want when you’ve only been dating for 3 months, then that’s her thing. If you want to keep trying, do it. If she rage quits, then it’s on her.
The number one recurring theme that we heard from our lady readers was to not lie. Literally, they all wrote about us being honest and not lying. Take note: ladies want the truth. If you’re in a relationship that once was great, but it’s turned sour, it’s understandable if you’re uncertain. But there is nothing healthier than honesty. And that means being honest with yourself. If you know it’s time for it to be over, do it. Break-up. Spare yourself, and her, further pain.
Break-ups are never perfect. It’s impossible to do it 100% “the right way.” Relationships can be messy. The right way is to not run from a mess, but to take responsibility and walk through it.
View Comments (204)
I've been guilty of #5 more than a few times. It always seems like the best and nicest way to do it at the time, but it ends being worse for both people. It's not unlike ripping off a band-aid - get it over with quickly.
I agree. You're not looking to be a heart-breaker. You care about them enough for it to end amicably. And I think that means we don't want them to leave feeling like we reject them forever as a person. But you're right, it's best to keep the door closed.
I think where we struggle as men is that thought in the back of our minds "What if things change later..." But it's just not fair to keep the door open just in case our mind is changed a year from now. I wouldn't want to be treated that way.
Hi Todd,
I really need your help man..!!
Recently, my ex girlfriend called me and was really upset… She wants to meet me just because to show her current boyfriend (whom she really loves right now) that she is happy with me!!
She told me the plan and how its gonna be work… Please lemme know whether should I help her?
She is just using me and nothing else!!
Yeah, definitely don't get involved with that at all.
I don't plan on breaking with anyone just yet but I totally dig your blog's design!
Good call. Thanks S.K.!
My name is princess, I am from the united state, I had a breakup with my boyfriend 2 months ago, I tried to make up with him but things got worst so I stayed for about 3 months without any calls or any words from him, I was dying inside of me, I searched for solution but no one worked until I came across robinsonbuckler(@)yahoo. Com, I told him my whole story and he promised to help me and after 3 days my boyfriend came to me and wanted to reconcile back with me and I took him back and he promise not leave me again
what if she faints or starts vomiting?? when I don't care her or try not to have sex she vomits or faints. she is a physico. I don't want her get faint in my house. she did it several times before. it is like she is threating me. if you break up I will get faint.
Sorry man, that's a tough situation that never occurred to me. I don't know. Call 9-1-1? Get an ambulance and the cops?
Nah, if she's threatening you with "I'll faint if you dump me," that relationship is well past unhealthy. It's time to let her loose. You should still honor her with doing it in person. If she vomits, faints, or cries, let her do her deal. When she comes to, just remind her it's done. Sounds like it'll be pretty hard bro. That's why you're going to need to make your decision and stick with it when you see her.
I havent been patient with my gf. I get impatient when she replies slow. It gets her very mad and whenever I try to stop... it's like something is controlling me to start drama again. I don't know how to stop. I need help :(
Jake,
So glad you're sharing. I'm not sure how you stumbled across this article-is breaking up something you're chewing on?
Patience is a quality we've all got to pursue and refine. You state you feel like something is compelling you to "start drama". What does that look like? Do you know what specific actions you want to stop?
Best,
Todd
I've been dating my gf for 2 months today.
My problem is, during the holidays we barely saw each other for 2 weeks altogether, then when we got back to college, no communication with eachother till friday. she barely answers most of my phone calls, she has gone to 1 favor, which was to go to restaurant with me, she may not go to party im asking her to go....
I respect her, if she is not ready then i wont force her, id rather her go to me when she is ready.
i jusd dont know what to anymore, i love her, but if i dump her, she may think i dont and i was only playing her, all im asking, is, what do i do, im afraid of dumping her, cuz i dont want to, but i also dont want to burden her with myself, i got enough problems regarding my studies...what do i do...please...?
G-123,
Thanks for sharing my man. Openness is good and is a big first step.
So you've been dating for 2 months, 1 month of which you've been apart? Don't fret man, things are new and you don't know each others patterns yet. But if you're calling a lot and she's not answering, pull back on that. Overwhelming a new lady will only drive her a way. Pulling back will either make her want more, or give her the door to exit.
Don't dump her, communicate about it. If you go out again, when the time is right in a convo, let her know she's seemed a little distant and you just want to know if you've done something wrong. Give her the opportunity to communicate and feel comfortable while doing it.
You two have only been going out two months, and with school you have a lot of stressers. This may be something you have to be okay with letting go of. I know it's hard pill to swallow, but if it wasn't going to work out better sooner rather than later.
My Best,
Todd
I've been dating my girlfriend for a little over 2 1/2 years now and I don't really feel the same for her like I used to and iv been talking to this girl that I've grown feelings for.. but I've also noticed that I have feelings for both of them and I dont know what to do..
Red14,
I'm glad you're being honest. Acknowledging the problem is a huge first step.
So you've been serious about a girl for 2.5 years, but have lost the feelings for her? I'm sure you still love/care about her in some way.
Here's what you should process first--if the situation were reversed, what would you want her to do? If she stopped feeling the same way, and started feeling for another man? You've cared for her for a long time, and you still need to treat her in a caring way, even if you don't want to be together anymore.
Don't start pursuing another woman while you're with someone else. Cut that thing off. Approach the girlfriend you have right now and talk about what the problems are. If it's something you don't want to work out, then you've got to break it off.
Just remember, every relationship will have highs and lows. A new lady may have came along and got you excited for something different--but things would certainly grow old with her too.
Where are you at right now--do you want to end it with lady love #1?
Best,
Todd
I have been going out with this girl for 2 weeks now and i love her loads, the only thing is whenever we are alone we hardly speak, we just hug. Furthermore, she is very flirty with other guys, she has had about 6 previous boyfriends in the last 8 months before i went out with her, the fact that she flirts alot really plays over my mind and makes me wonder whether she's actually interested in me. I think it's time to end it with her, but I can't face not being with her as i hate being single. Should I dump her or not?
Sam,
Thanks for writing. Hmm two weeks? That's not long, but it sounds like you really enjoy her company when other people are around. I've dated girls that a blast to hang out with, and they are also flirty with guys other than me. Then when you're alone they don't seem to have a whole lot of conversational substance.
This all boils down to something complex within her that you're not going to dive into after just two weeks kicking it. Here's my suggestion instead of jumping straight to dumping her: talk to her about it. Tell her you like her, and love hanging out. Think beforehand of some good conversation pieces--stuff you want to know about her. What she was like growing up, what she wants to do down the road, what's something awesome you'd both love to go do that'll take some planning.
If you try to have a medium level conversation like that, and she doesn't really know how to converse, she's probably not the datable type. A girl like that just likes to be on a guys arm, without having to give of themselves relationally.
But if you guys start clicking/communicating, well, that's the core of relationships man and that's a good first step!
Let me know how it goes!
Todd
i want to break up with my girlfriend. we have been together for over 1 yr but right now i am in a very bad siuation and the relationship is putting a heavier burden on my shoulders,i want end the relationship but she dosen`t she want to talk it out but i jus twant to get the relationship out of the way but up to this day i dont know how to break it to her.....
Yornic,
It sounds like you definitely should end the relationship. If you don't want to be with someone, and you're not happy, then end it. Maybe it's her, maybe it's YOU. But it sounds like neither of you are happy.
If you don't know how to break up with your girlfriend, you should start by picking a time and a place. Tell her you need to talk about something important. If she asks why, tell her you're having a hard time, but ask to wait till you talk to give her more info. Sit down with her, and stick to your guns. Tell her you do not want to continue moving forward. You owe her some reason as to why. And you're just going to have to let her respond, tears of anger and all.
Best,
Todd
Me and my girlfriend have been together for roughly two and a half years. The thing is, I don't know if I feel the same way about her. Yes, we love each other and we express our love for each other regularly, however, I am a junior in high school while she is a freshman. The issue here is not age, but I have been devoting a great deal of my time to my studies so that I can get into the college I want. In that time, I have not paid as much attention to her as I used to. Furthermore, we only see each other twice a week, as we know each other from church. So in that time that I've spent without her, I believe I've lost the passion that I once had for her.
But I don't believe she's as mature as I'd like. Spiritually, she's at a great place and since my parents are pastors, they greatly approve of her. However, I don't believe she's mature enough emotionally. Her heart is so aimed at me, I know if I break up with her, she will be devastated and her family will look down on me. But I don't know if that's a good enough reason to stat with her. She's so emotionally involved in everything, the slightest things will either excite her or sadden her, and I am the total opposite. I don't know if I should have to put up with her while I'm so fixated on school.
Furthermore, I am contemplating breaking up with her before I go to college, because I know that all the time I spend away from her is going to hurt her (I am not going away, I will remain where I live now). In addition, I have made it clear to her that a breakup is likely and is possibly the best thing, however she's willing to remain in a relationship and she knows she's going to be hurt if she stays. But I do not want to put her through even more pain by remaining in the relationship.
So I guess my question is should I break up with her now, break up with her before I start college (which a year and a half from now), or should I continue the relationship throughout college? Please answer as soon as you can. Thank you very much.
Hi Victor,
Thanks for being so open. You're in a tough spot. You love this young lady and don't want to hurt her. But you also don't want to hurt her by dragging her along. It's a tough spot many men, and women, have found themselves in before.
Let's put one thing to rest-if she's a teenager, she's going to be emotionally immature. She just hasn't had the time to grow yet. As for what she'll turn out to be in 5 years spiritually, to a degree it's hard to tell. Is she serious about her faith now, apart from you?
As for your passion for her going up and down, that's to be expected. Just ask your parents. In any relationship, the passion level goes up and down. But that's not to say I'm suggesting you stick around.
I don't think you'll find the answer to your question in comparing how you feel about her today compared to 6 months ago. It'll either be find within yourself, or it will be found in trying to spend more time with her again.
What you have to conclude is do you want to continue fighting for and investing in this girl. If your answer is no, it's not a commentary on whether or not she's "worth it". I have no doubt she's worth fighting for and loving. The question is do you want that for her, and for you.
And don't feel pressured to figure out if you are going to marry her. It's too soon for either of you to be able to figure that out. Just find out within yourself, do you want her in your life now? And in your life 2 years from now? And maybe further down the road? Do you have the will and the energy to continue to win her and work things out?
If yes, keep it going man. If no, then it might be time to let the ship.
I will say this, it will be really really hard for both of you. So don't get discouraged by this process. It'll be emotional and challenging, but it's necessary man.
Feel free to email me directly Victor.
My best,
Todd
Awright Todd,
Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 8 months now, we never argue or fight. she's definately one of a kind. I do love her alot and care for her alot. My only concern is that she is considerably older. (9 years to be percise) i feel ive alot more things i wanna do before i settle down for good. Am really in a pickle!! I think itl be easier to cut all ties for both parties. any advice is welcomed. It kills me inside.. as i know the cares for .me alot, and wont be expecting nothing.
Jordi,
I don't know how old you are, but if you were born in 92, then 9 years is a pretty big age gap. I think dating 8 months is a good length of time for two people to know if they want to head toward marriage. Not that you have to get engaged at this point, but you've been together long enough that you should have had deep conversations leading to the knowledge whether you want to REALLY move forward with her.
So the question really is, do you? Not do you have other things you want to do. Why can't you still do those while you're married? Marriage and women aren't curses, and they aren't balls and chains.
If she's one-of-a-kind, and you've got to spend the rest of your life with her, don't let her go. But if you're feeling tied down by her, let her go, for her sake. It sounds like you've got some growing up to do, and she's not getting younger. It wouldn't be wise for her to wait around.
This isn't me trying to be harsh in tone. I'm not married, because I don't want to marry someone I don't want to spend 50 years with. If you feel the same way, then the answer is simple, even if it's still really hard.
Email me and let me know how things go Jordi.
My best,
Todd